Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:Superman's first adventure
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A spoof of Superman's first comic book appearance. Take a look. Scofield 19:03, March 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Let's see here.. (talk) 02:24, March 18, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||I like that you know what kind of jokes to make in this article and start off your script letting the reader know what kind of humor you're using. Although similar, the jokes about people picking fights with an invincible man are well done and funny. I'll just go through each act and point out stuff.
Although you don't have many jokes in this section it fits with the intro to the comic, which is good. However, this isn't strictly necessary as everyone knows (or should know) who Superman is already. Because of that I think you either need a lot more jokes in this section or a much shorter intro. You could also make jokes about him showing off his powers, yet everyone is still surprised when someone with his exact powers shows up and starts fighting crime.
You start off well by making jokes regarding how strange this comic is. You don't really do anything with the conversation between Superman and the attendant. However, you get back to the jokes pretty quickly once the governor is introduced. Once you get to the single-panel scenes the humor seems to drop out of the article. The line "Yay! I'm the first person Superman saved!" Doesn't really work for me. It's a little too 4th wall breaking for me. You could take the opportunity to misdirect the audience here. Maybe you could change the line to "Yes! Now I can go murder more people!" or something. The other two parts at the end are ok, but could do with some improvement.
In this act the first section (with the wife beater) is really good, but could do with some pictures so the reader can picture the violence better (which I talk about in images.) The second section is what I think you should mainly work on. Specifically after the line "Pull over, skirt" as from that point until Lois is talking to the editor it's a little dull. You don't really change much from the actual comic. Even when you do change it, you only add on a little from a joke that was made in the actual comic. I would recommend expanding the section a little. Don't change the elephant joke though. That's hilarious.
You have some great jokes in this section. The only thing I can really say is to add a little more to the original material. It's when you start adding things to the comic when you get humor out of it. I like how you end it with a joke as well, but I think you could add a little more to that last joke with a stage direction like "Superman jumps off the line despite the man's pleas for his life." Other than that this section is good.
Overall I just think you should add more to the source than you already have. What you add is funny and I want more of your stuff in the article.
|Concept:||7.5||I like this concept and it has a lot of potential. Right now this article is good for a couple chuckles and a lot of "aren't old comics crazy?" kind of thoughts from the reader. These are good things to have in this article, but you should probably add more of that kind of stuff and it's a little sparse. You tend to add about as many lines as you use from the actual comic, but they tend to accumulate in clumps, which means that you could add a couple more short conversations that point out how crazy the whole idea of the comic is.
The execution of this article is also pretty good, but the format (discussed below) makes the timing seem a little rushed as the reader will read the lines one after each other in quick succession because there aren't spaces between the lines. You have the idea down. There are a lot of parts here that are funny, but don't necessarily get a laugh from the reader as they're slightly obvious jokes. In particular I expected more from the end of the first act which is really similar to the actual comic. Although these lines are difficult to work jokes into, it would be great if you could fit more of the stuff that you had in the middle part of the act. Your first act is the weakest part of this article right now because of the ending, your other two acts are well written and funny, but still could use a bit of work. In the second act the meeting of the perverts and the kidnapping could do with a little more exaggeration on the part of Superman being cowardly. The third act doesn't have much wrong with it, but rereading it could highlight some things that probably should be changed. I'll talk more about things in the 3rd paragraph below.
|Prose and formatting:||7||Your formatting is pretty good right now. The stage direction like parts you have are formatted perfectly for the most part. However, in one of them when Lois is being tailed and dragged into the car you have an exclamation point at the end of your stage direction. Stage directions typically don't have end punctuation, but if they do they just have periods as stage directions aren't giving opinions or expressing emotions, they are just stating facts. Another thing that I noticed is that your lines are really close together which makes them hard to read. A script that I think is formatted pretty much perfectly is Modus's Star Trek feature which uses bold for the character names and a colon before their lines. It also uses quotations, but that's a personal choice and isn't necessary. The stage direction at the top doesn't have parentheses around it, which is an easy fix. The intro at the top doesn't need parentheses though.
The prose is good for making fun of a comic book, especially one as goofy as superman. Right now you have a consistent tone, but you have a couple sentences that are a little bit awkward. "Reports have been streaming that this guy who has superhuman strengths actually exists" I'm guessing this is just missing an "in." "What burns me up is that I let off her yellow-belly "boyfriend" so easily" this would sound better as "let her 'boyfriend' off so easily." "Or is it Lois's boyfriend in some superhuman avatar" the kidnapper wouldn't use Lois's name and the term "avatar" is a little awkward, maybe "form" or something like that would be better. "Superman jumps over behind the care and begins chasing it" this stage direction is awkward and should probably just be "Superman jumps over the car." There is also at least one case where you don't have a question mark at the end of a question (in act 1 when Superman asks if the guy is going to take him to the governor.) You also have a line at the end in 1337 speak. This isn't funny and just detracts from your article, which is especially bad at the end because that is the part people will remember the most. There were other things I was going to say, but I don't remember those now so I would say to just read through it again and see if you could see what I saw before. You could catch something that I didn't. All of these are just little fixes that will add up. (Wait I just saw one, you use Btw instead of spelling out "by the way.")
|Images:||1||This is going to bring down your score a lot, but I have to give you a low score as you have no images. You also have no excuse for not having images. You have a great source that you can just crop to get specific scene from. I think that comic is in the common domain now (not sure, but it doesn't really matter we violate copyrights all the time. I MEAN WE DON'T. Really we don't...) So even if you can't find any pic in unused pics or google then you could simply use your source material for all your picture needs. Pictures could really help this article out and add a few more laughs. I would recommend either 3, 4 or 5 pictures for this article depending on various things. Just make sure to get some pictures as it'll get those with more visual tendencies into your article quickly.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||Overall "feel" of the article.|
|Final Score:||30||I really like this article. With just a little more work this could be a really good article. Even a couple images will improve this dramatically.|