Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:Son, Go Clean Your Room!
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Here is my first UnScript article about a spoiled son not wanting to clean his room. Enjoy!
Oh, and the aren't any pictures yet, so ignore the "pictures" score/comment please.
Lucyfer & his friend, Wlado! 14:36, July 10, 2011 (UTC)
Okay --13:00, July 12, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||The script has a couple funny moments, like the mother being half white etc... and the cool-aid thing. These are the moments in the play when there is a little development in action and characterisation in the script. Otherwise, you've patched together a whole giant bunch of crazy off the wall stuff that has the absolute bare minimum of story line and development. This is the third time I've done a review for you, and I think its worth doing cause you follow up on things, so I think I can be a little more direct with my critique and suggestions...so...don't take the following...in any bad way. I wouldn't review anything unless I thought it was worth reviewing, but there is a lot of work to do if you want to infuse this script with an idea/concept and make it funny. It can be done.
Heres how I found the humour line by line and my first impressions about the script:
Intro: I wouldn't recommend beginning a play with "here is a play about". If there must be an introduction, and if you are making a parody of real plays why not incorporate the introduction into the play. Almost no scripts come with a "this is about". There are lots of ways to do it. For instance: The following play was submitted to a play contest for children's theatre. It was rejected before being read. Also...move the "setting" description to the actual play (i.e. the first scene) as almost all scripts do it that way.
Act1: Whats with the second father? Is that a mistake? The food part, it seems a little strange. While I understand that there would be mouldy food in a dirty room, you mention it like its something natural. Maybe: "Theres so much mold on the floor it looks like grass" or something like that. Why does the father spit on the pig?
I am confused about the different colloquial styles, at first it seems like they are British chavs (fauking) but now like African American pimps (Oh no you didn't). It's probably best to stick to just one of them. Over all, cute but not super funny.
Act 2: (no scenes?) Car crashes "in" or "into" his room? It would be a pretty big room if it crashed "in" it. What does "bliggin" mean? I'm not sure that someone would use unreasonable AND niggers in the same phrase. I would give suggestions but I don't really want to improve on an insult with the word Nigger unless its really ironic. I'll put this here...do not use hard core and controversial language unless you MUST and there is a good reason to do so. Good reasons include making a parody of the people who do use it, being VERY sarcastic and or ironic or some extra creative reason to do so. Right now, you are using the n-word cause it seems cool and off the wall, I don't think thats a good reason to use it. Would an African American say "tard ass"? Or "n-word" for that matter? Black guy 1: This is the first line of the play I find kind of funny. Spilling cool-aid on the flood: Also funny (though Im not sure what its supposed to represent. Do black people like cool-aid?) The rest is...a little more believable in terms of what they say, though why did the black people just change their mind suddenly from being pissed off, to just leaving? Were they so offended they just HAD to leave? Or were they now scared of the white boy? Why do they jump out the window? Give them a reason to leave.
Act 3: This is a little more believable again (in your world of crazy trash people). The whole half white, half black thing is cute. I am not sure why you chose half purple. Could you maybe use a race? Like yellow or red? I like the joke in the pubic area but why blue? You could re-use white or black in the various areas of the body like: Im white in the breasts and very black in the pubic area?
Act 4: Sorry, its all a little off the wall slightly creative, but not funny.
Act 5: Why is the father spitting on them? Why does the father explode? Why does the mother shoot Fred?
The moral part: Again these are not included in a script. Maybe you could have a narrator character that says these lines on stage? Or make it a film and there could be a voice-over.
|Concept:||4||This is the concept I extracted from your story:
A boy has a room which must be cleaned, and awful parents. He keeps getting interrupted by crazy people. Parents get angry. In the end father explodes, mother blames son for everything and kills him. Moral: Obey your parents.
Now...apart from the pig pissing, the cool-aid and the half white-half black part, there is relatively little in the content which adds anything more to the story line that I have outlined above. That is, unless it really needs to be there, or is entertaining/funny, it really doesnt need to be written by you and read by any one else. Take a look at it from the point of view of the reader as if every second of their time is precious, why would they be reading about cheech and chong from your script when they have already read it before. What do you add to them as characters..what more do we get/learn from them? How does that add to your story.
You should consider making your story line a little more complex. It wouldn't be too difficult. First...maybe give the kid some kind of motivation to clean the room. If he gets his room clean his parents will reward him with something (as opposed to negatively punishing him for not doing it). In the three middle acts, you can have something distract him as you have happened before. In each case, the boy has to get these people out of the room before he gets into more trouble and looses the reward. The parents furthermore dont believe that anything strange has happened. In each case, the boy gains something from the experience (i.e. the queer people may help him clean up his room as the stereotype goes that they are clean and organised). The black guys can teach him how to fool his parents as they know how to trick other people (apparently). The cheech and chong guys can show him how to sneak some drugs into his parents coffee so that they will become docile and forget that there is even a problem and then in the end give his son an even greater reward.
While we don't really learn anything from this narrative, at least this its a situational comedy structure thats funny (its already funny cause the idea is funny) and we get something more out of the characters that keep interrupting the story line. This way we can also create stronger characters out of Fred and his parents. Try to distinguish them. Why are Fred and his parents so alike? Why are they all horrible people? I would recommend distinguishing the two. Either make Fred a really nice boy who is getting screwed over by everyone and the parents slightly irresponsible or clueless, or make the parents very clever and strict parents and the boy a total lazy fuck up who always seems to win the day otherwise. If you dont do this, you are just showing us a world of horrible people doing horrible things, which is no different than a world of totally happy people doing nothing but happy things, which is just like Barney the dinosaur which is pure hell.
As for the three interruptions, try to keep them separate. Act 1: intro with parents. Act 2: Black guys (enter, scene, learn something, then get rid of them), parents enter...whats going on? Explain, parents dont believe him, son uses lesson learned to stall for more time. Act 3: Queer guys (enter, scene, learn something, then get rid of them), parents enter...whats going on? Explain, parents dont believe him, son uses lesson learned to stall for more time. Act 4: Mexican drug guys (enter, scene, learn something, then get rid of them) Act 5: parents enter...whats going on? Explain, parents dont believe him, son uses ALL lessons learnt to convince parents everything is okay. They give in. Son gets reward (no one explodes).
Note the...no one explodes part. When that kind of thing happens in a narrative, it is always a side thing. Something explodes as a sort of tangent to a story line (not directly a part of the main story). The main character never explodes (unless there is a REALLY REALLY REALLY good and important reason to do so). Because the father is pissed off is not enough of a reason for something so meaningless and absurd as "exploding" to happen. Maybe if something exploded outside to distract the parents while the boy shoved something under the bed...but in general, you should always have a pretty good reason why something happens (even if it is random). That takes time to come up with. Having absurd random things is okay. Like...the whole cool-aid thing. Thats pretty random, and there is a reason behind it (trying to show outright racism, get the black guys to calm down a little, add a joke and change the pace of the story again). There should be a lot more moments like that (that is, using absurd random moments for a reason rather than to be silly).
As the play stands now, you are far ahead of most scripts, because there is a beginning, middle and end, distinguishable characters and some kind of movement in the plot and a very very vague concept. So...congratulations or being better than most beginners. That being said, you really have to spend some more time thinking about the characters themselves and presenting them as something more than just crazy evil people, and for the stereotypes as something more than just a stereotype. Cheech and chong should be more than just, stupid stoned Mexicans, the black guys should be more than just pimps etc...but mostly I think you have to give character to Fred (he is the person we give a shit about)...give us a reason to care about him, make the reader WANT him to win at the end, cause he is a good guy at least in some way. I think if you just have his mother shoot him for no real reason, you give no real reason for any one to really want to read your script. Which is basically what all of this text here is saying in both sections so far, if the whole script is a crazy roller coaster of stereotypes and horrible people doing random stuff, if you could switch ACT 2 with ACT 3 and see no difference to the play, then a reader is probably going to switch off and read something in which the author has put time into thinking about the characters and concepts and making events pass for a reason, even if they are crazy moments. This needs TIME TIME TIME!!!
Lets get back to content again. I assume that what you have written is a rough draft. Why is everyone swearing at each other? If there is a reason make it clear. Are they horrible people? Why are they horrible? Do they live in a horrible neighbourhood? Do you have time to explain that, a reason why? If not...cut it out of the script. Why are the parents obsessed with the room being clean? Coming up with a reason will give a reason for the readers to want to read the script and can also add humour. Add that into the content (and consider having them communicate that to the kid without insulting him the whole time). With every line ask yourself, why is the character saying that...why is he saying it that way and does the reader care? Its work, but its worth it as you'll turn out a much better story. Something people will want to read, enjoy reading and laugh at. And it's more likely to be a lot more funny. Good luck.
|Prose and formatting:||4||Ive covered most of this above. The only thing of note is how the introduction and ending are outside the play. Consider adding a narrator in the play or a voice over if it is a script. I can't really say much more about the prose.|
|Images:||There are no images. Thats not a big deal as it is a script.|
|Miscellaneous:||10||I'm giving you 10 points for encouragement.|
|Final Score:||22||As I have said, you have a couple funny moments and a beginning middle and end and the bare bones of a story line. That is good! You also clearly wrote this with enthusiasm and some energy, which shows that you have the stuff it takes to go over this again, answer the many questions I've asked, get a slightly more complex story line into this script, add more personality to the characters and tone down the shit talk and stereotypes. Even without trying to add humour, doing what I just said will make this script a LOT more funny. A deeper kind of funny. Let me know if you didn't follow anything that I have said so far, or if you have any further questions. I'd be happy to pass it over again once you've spent time thinking about the review and making some changes. Have fun and I look forward to reading the next version. The bones in my fingers have broken writing this. I don't have health insurance. You owe me $700. Thanks.|
|Reviewer:||--17:48, July 12, 2011 (UTC)|