Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:Officers and Espionage

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edit UnScripts:Officers and Espionage

I did some new type of formatting for this one. Tell me what you think. --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 10:03 Oct 30 2009

With my internet window fully expanded, the separate image files didn't show up going one-by-one down the page, but by two, side by side, which could potentially be problematic. I have no idea how you'd go about fixing this (though making the window less wide works just fine), but I figured I'd bring it to your attention. I should also note that my monitor is fairly big, so I'd imagine most people won't have that problem. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:55, October 30, 2009 (UTC)
Weird. Maybe a break after each image? --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 00:12 Oct 31 2009
I'd imagine that would work. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:32, October 31, 2009 (UTC)
I see the same problem EMC, and my monitor is not particularly large at all. So yes, a small fix may be in order. IronLung 03:23, November 9, 2009 (UTC)

This one is next on my list, but from a quick glance above and then at the article I have noticed that the problem identified by Guildy still persists. Would you like the review with this still in, or would you rather correct it first? Let me know. --ChiefjusticeDS 19:24, November 22, 2009 (UTC)

I'm going to just make it text-based, as annoying as it will be. I'll let you know when I'm done with it, as I'd much appreciate a Pee Review on it when it's done. --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 11:41 Nov 24 2009
By the way, this might have to be deleted from Uncyclopedia in the following months depending on whether or not this script actually gets published by FoldedWord Press, so I'm kind of sketchy about this being seen as an abuse of Uncyclopedia and Pee Review as an outlet for feedback and other such shit since I initially intended for this to be published (in all likelihood it won't be published so it isn't an issue, but there's still the slim chance since it's in limbo). Also, I think this work being on Uncyclopedia might lessen my chances of having it published due to their publishing guidelines, but fuck it (buttfuck lol). --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 14:12 Nov 24 2009
From what I've seen, if something can be found on the Internet a publisher considers it already published. The only exception would be if it's private access only, and even then only if that access is given to very few people for the purpose of review. Of course if it's privately posted a publisher isn't likely to know how many people saw it, but Uncyclopedia is (fortunately for us, not fortunately for your article) not private. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 21:14, December 1, 2009 (UTC)
Also did you want this Pee Reviewed now? Sorry, I got myself lost in the discussion. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 21:15, December 1, 2009 (UTC)
Once I update this with the text-based version to fix formatting. --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 23:32 Dec 1 2009
OK! WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 19:33, December 2, 2009 (UTC)
Done. It's all ready for Pee Reviewing! --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 11:44 Dec 4 2009
I'm not going to officially claim this as it will probably take me more than 48 hours to get to it. If somebody hasn't reviewed it by then, I probably will. In the meantime, it's open to be reviewed by whoever. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 16:54, December 5, 2009 (UTC)
I'm on it. Look for it within 24 hours. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 05:35, December 8, 2009 (UTC)
Pee Review in progress.... WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 03:18, December 9, 2009 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer

I like to tell my reviewee about myself so you know how unqualified I am. I won RotM, so some people think I don't totally suck. As for scripts, well, I, ahem, have a fair amount of theatrical background. Also I've watched military and spy movies on TV.

Concept: 8 I think the concept of the bumbling military vs. competent opponents is a good one. It's been done many, many times, but that's because it works.
Prose and Formatting: 8 I usually put most or all of my Humour comments in with Prose and Formatting so I don't keep repeating myself, but do score them separately.

Your introduction

I like your introduction of the characters. Descriptive and short, which I think is good. I never seem to remember how a character was described after I start reading a play, but I like having it to go back to. And maybe some of it sticks in my subconcious.

S C E N E O N E

This is picky, but in scripts the notes such as "Lieutenant Ringley is in his office...." are done in italics, not in [ ] (although that could be different in different countries). I think italics works a little better visually, too.
I don't get the sergeant saying "give me some sugar." I know that can be a euphemism for getting a kiss (I actually just heard someone say that two days ago), but don't get why the sergeant would be telling a lieutenant to literally or figuratively give some sugar.
When you use a quote or partial quote in another languages, it's generally in italics; i.e. "tinas de manteca de cerdo'"
"Sergeant Daniels: Wait... What's Spanish?"--do you really want the Sgt. that ignorant? To me, it seems to be pushing it. Not knowing what an imbecile is, that I think worked.
I like the bit of the Lt. sending the Sgt. out to find out what the Lt. wanted.
Another picky point, but in several places there should be a comma both before and after "Sir"--things like "No problems at all (comma) Sir (comma)...." There's often one (as in this example), but if you have one you usually need two, which is used correctly in "Sergeant Daniels: Oh, Sir, which one?"
"Lieutenant Ringley: Oh, really (comma) which regiment?" There's a few places with missing commas. Especially in a script, anyplace you'd want the actor to pause, you want a comma; for example, "Sergeant Daniels: No (comma) he gets on well.... Well (comma) Private Sands bought him a present...."
"Lieutenant Ringley: Yes, 20 or 30 others so (too) if...."--probably a typo.
I like the bit that an exploding present and "murdering fascist etc." aren't the problem, but proper boot polishing is--this is the Queen's Army, after all.

S C E N E T W O

I like the brave British soldier bit; the shooting of Private Bayswater reminds me a litle of Monty Python.
Instructor Heeney--I'm not saying anything needs to be changed, but in the past it was common to indicate a character's speech pattern by misspellings and leaving out letters and such. Generally now it's not done that way, but the speech patterns themselves show the accent.
"Instructor Heeney: [To the dying Bayswater]"--I would cut the dying part out here. I think the joke of "Private Bayswater: I think I'm dying, Sir!" would be a stronger punchline if we weren't already told he was dying (plus wimps like me will laugh at someone who thinks he's dying as long as I'm not actually told he is dying. But even for others I think "the dying" weakens the punchline). I think "Private Sands: Die like a dog, swine!" is fine, as it's the sort of thing we'd expect from Sands, true or not.

S C E N E T H R E E

"Lieutenant Ringley: Well what happened?...."--it's an old stereotype that the British soldier downplays wounds (a classic is the black knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I just watched for about the 10th time a few days ago). But I still think it works, especially as it's partially true--British men show their manliness by downplaying their wounds, whereas French men show their manliness by overplaying their wounds. And I like "Infection? I wouldn't worry about that. This is the army, not a hospital."
I like the Napoleon invasion bit.
"Lieutenant Ringley: If your son keeps shooting his classmates, do you take away his gun? Of course not. You ground him and blame the gun manufacturer."--obviously.

S C E N E F O U R

"In it is he and his secretary...."--sounds a bit awkward.
"[Sands stands to attention]"--I'd like this better as "Sands is standing at attention." I'd have Sands already doing this, which I think would make the Col. telling the Sgt. what to do funnier.
"Colonel Marlow: Do you think you can handle that responsibility?/Private Sands: Pardon?"--I don't get why Sands says "Pardon?" I would think he'd say ""Yes, Sir" to anything to get access. If you want him to say "Pardon," I've had the Col. say something confusing or incomprehensible, that then must be translated by Richard. Or, alternately, the Col. says something that Sands could interpret as suspicion on the Col.'s part, and he hesitates to avoid giving himself away--of course the Col. is oblivious.
"...married to a rare yucca plant until after...."--in context, this seems a bit too absurd.
"Colonel Marlow: Yes, please come in. And Sergeant, could you polish his shoes? They appear rather dirty."--like this bit.

S C E N E F I V E

"Of course, I already have three of those going for me and I'm not telling you which."--I didn't quite get this; it seemed unclear.
"Richard: But Sir, all I've ever done is agree with you and brown nose. How do you figure this?"--I think the "brown nose" part is unnecessarily obvious, and that Richard defense of always agreeing sounds stronger and works better.
"Richard: No, it didn't Sir."--as Richard is doing something new, I'd prefer "Yes, Sir--I mean, no, it didn't, Sir."

S C E N E S I X

"...door and knock: (they are) Bertrand and Beatrice."--I'd add "they are."
"Richard: I got it (comma, Sir)."
'Colonel Marlow: Whose outfit hasn’t been infiltrated by an Irish nationalist these days?/Beatrice: Every one except yours, Colonel."--like this.
"Colonel Marlow: Not recently (semicolon) why do you ask?
"Colonel Marlow:...false sense of self-respect and demand silly things like new coffee filters or shoes."--this doesn't work to me.
A little after "Beatrice: There is no portrait on that wall, Colonel!" the dialogue got a little confusing to me, especially in the area around "Colonel Marlow: Sergeant Daniels ... didn't you say something about the Lieutenant thinking there was a spy?"
"Richard: Absolutely(--I mean absolutely) not, Sir."--again, I'd have Richard learning to say no.
"I'm sorry (comma) Sergeant.
I liked the ending with its dramatic twists, but other than dying twice, didn't find the very end funny.
Also early on you build up the idea of learning Spanish, but then it's dropped. Personally, I'd rather you either dropped the references to speaking Spanish altogether, or make it a recurring comic bit.

Formatting--I like the way you formatted the introduction, and think it was fine in the rest.

Humo(u)r: 7.5 As described in detail above, the parts I thought were funniest I really liked, but in some areas (again, as described above) I think the humour could use some work, and I believe you can make significant improvements.
Images: 7.5 I'm rather counting descriptions as images (I do like the boots, and as I said above the look of the introduction). Personally, I've read lots of scripts so images in the middle of this would seem out of place, but I don't know how other readers would feel.
Miscellaneous: 7.75 average of above
Final Score: 38.75 I think with a little work, this could be very good. Definitely let me know on my talk page if you edit this, and I hope you do. (Also when I score something here at just under 40, it means I'm thinking with a little improvement, it could be VFH).
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 04:55, December 9, 2009 (UTC)
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