Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:My Little Womb Newt: Pregnancy is Sexy

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edit UnScripts:My Little Womb Newt: Pregnancy is Sexy

I started this as a new "iCarly," but it turned out fairly close to satire. Recently, I trimmed the intro, since it was too long winded and not the same style as the rest of the article. Mn-z 14:44, February 8, 2013 (UTC)

I suppose a key aspect of fetish is single-minded determination. However, the idea of a newt asking a brony? for permission to enter her from behind overwhelms any humor, and I see mostly quirky fiction-writing not humor. Separately, thanks for the name-dropping, but no thanks. Spıke ¬ 15:01 8-Feb-13
SpikeDragon

This is Spike the dragon

Spike is a character on My Little Pony. He is the dragon pet/slave/fax machine of Twilight Sparkle. Also, Fluttershy is a pony. A "Brony" refers to a fan of My Little Pony, typically a teenage-adult male fan (bro + pony = brony). I get the feeling that you haven't watched the show much. --Mn-z 15:09, February 8, 2013 (UTC)
Indeed not. Forgive my delusion of self-reference. Spıke ¬ 15:28 8-Feb-13
It doesn't seem like an Uncyclopedia article to me, but it seems even less like an anything-else. I'll just describe why it isn't what it isn't because that's easier.
It's entirely to well written and to subtle for the garbage can, seriously, I think the trash would regurgitate it for its quality. It's too vulgar and weird to be a normal ponyfic. It's just not weird, grotesque or pornografic enough to be clop/gorefic. It has to much sexuality and not enough teenage boy meets boy to be Yaoi. It has too few jokes and too little overt humor to be uncyclopedic and it's entirely too fictional to be encyclopedic.
I think this should exist somewhere, and unfortunately I can't think of a better place, as bad as that sounds. Darkestaxe (talk) 14:43, April 17, 2013 (UTC)
What a load of nasty unconstructive bitch slapping Darkestaxe. Pee review is to get help on writing better, not to have your work insulted and demeaned. I'll pee review this with pleasure. --ShabiDOO 03:44, July 23, 2013 (UTC)
Humour: 6 Firstly...this review and the scores is only about the first section. More on that in the concept part of the review.

Over all I found the first section pretty funny and I liked your narrative style, how the newt asks his requests so directly and how absurd the situation is. Its funny when the newt ignores many of the pony's questions and how much the reader wants to know wtf is going on. I cover this more in the next section.

Concept: 7 The first section...is rather simple and is written in an utterly absurd fashion...and in such a way that the reader wants to know whats going on...what will happen next...and you maintain that suspense by the increasing absurdity.

This is lost when section 2 begins...where the simplicity vanishes. As for the rest of the article...sorry but I didn't find any of it particularly funny and I found it pretty convoluted and confusing. There are so many ideas that go all over the place, so many characters to keep track of...many of whom are unnecessary...so many strange moments that aren't well explained. I personally didn't find any moment as engaging as in section 1. I didn't really care if I would find out what would happen. It might be hard to hear...but if I were you I'd cut the rest of the article out. Totally. Save it for some other article(s).

If you would be willing to do this and expand the first section into a full article...here are a few ideas.

  • The newt is taking advantage of the pony and simple wants to spawn its own offspring inside. When they are all born...the pony realises that she gave birth to evil newts (an analogy to the anti-Christ) and she must give up her innocence...and go after them and destroy them. If you use the evil newts as an analogy to something evil in this world (north korea, cancer, Justin Timberlake) then the concept would be a lot stronger. As it goes along...the pony will take on Saintly characteristics (like Joan of Arc or Jesus or Rambo with a Halo) and eventually makes the ultimate sacrifice by taking out the newts and herself in the end (symbolically destroying something evil...whatever that is).
  • The newt is actually creating a star gate inside the pony and once realised all sorts of people will come out of her orifice. Each person who comes out will be confused and the pony will have to help them understand the situation as best as possible. They will be people or characters with complex human problems and the pony (being so innocent) will not understand this and will have a hard time helping them. Hilarity ensues. Imagine Bruce Willis coming through some star gate and then choking the pony and asking her how the f*ck he ended up coming out of her womb while the pony tries to explain everything in happy land words and magic wands. Eventualy the pony will tire of this and not want to be pregnant anymore...and the newt then go through the star gate to achieve his mission (which will hopefuly do something good for the world like save John Snowden or increase the quality of Holywood movies or make all weekends as three day weekends or better yet...something related to the people who came out of the star-gate)
  • Find anything that you would like to comment on. A social problem (teenage pregnancy), a famous celebrity who is pregnant (too late...the duchess had her baby) or something totally different (lawn tennis or the moon or soccer balls). What's something about this that you think is hilarious or stupid or absurd or should change? Take time to think about this. Your goal for the end of the article will be to convey this through the end of the ponies pregnancy. The newt can represent a bad force, something to be stopped (teenage pregnancy in general, or a celebrity who simply shouldn't have a baby, or that man landing on the moon was a conspiracy). Or the newt could be a teacher who is trying to show the pony a lesson in life by getting it pregnant and then coming out as something that teaches her something true. Try to write this in a way that maintains the total absurdity of the situation, the newt avoiding questions but getting the pony to keep doing strange things...waiting to reveal everything at the end. Avoid too many characters...perhaps only a couple more if need be. Avoid too many references to this pony world. If you do...explain them...most readers will have no idea whats going on in the article as they don't read my little pony.
  • The newt is trying to save the pony from the horribly taky world of my little ponies and is in fact creating some kind of vortex that will take her to the real world. At first she doesn't understand but when walking around the real world she begins to enjoy normal life and its problems. Ultimately though...she finds conflict, selfishness and horrible telivision shows too much and wants to go back to her innocent world. The newt reluctantly relents and sends her back to pink hair and magical ponies.

Anyhoo...these are some ideas on how to rework the article...if you are able to give up the rest of the script after section 1. Here is a list of particular things in section one I found funny, I didn't understand and a few corrections:

Moments I found funny:

  • "because ponies are always naked".
  • The first part of the crawling into belly.
  • And you promise that if I don't like you inside my belly, that you'll crawl out and leave me alone?
  • I like how the newt ignores the question about the expanding belly
  • You know, I thought being pregnant was painful and sad, but when you're pregnant with a newt, it's actually wonderful.
  • but since you're classified as pet and not a person, its ok.

What I didn't understand:

  • Colts in the valley.
  • Its your job to find housing for animals?
  • How did rainbow dash say no? I'm missing something.
  • Rainbow dash wouldn't kill someone...think of a funnier punishment like Rainbow dash will turn my hair pink...and then give a superficial reason why that would be the end of the world for a pony.

Corrections:

  • Rainbow dash would kill me if they (she?)
  • a ripple in the water shows her hoof moved. (She moves her hoof creating ripples in the water?)
Prose and formatting: 8 Apart from a few things I didn't understand and corrections, in the first section, I found the prose well written except when the narrative goes a little off topic or when things are not clearly explained. In this kind of article you should always answer this question for every sentence if it is dialogue: Who is saying what about what to who? If you can't answer these questions then try as concisely as possible to fill in those gaps. If it is description of action: Who is being/doing what to/about what and how? And as with all sentences: What the fuck is going on and why is this necessary to the article.

Your first section is written in such a way that I mostly can answer all of these questions. The next sections...are sort of the opposite. Often I don't know what's going on or...I don't know why it's in the article in the first place.

Also...think of more creative captions for the images.

Images: 1 Try and use images that are not stock photos of my little ponies. Use images from the real world...or drawings/cartoons from outside of my little pony and use them in clever/creative ways. If you must use my little pony images...then use images that would not be expected and write a killer caption that is hilarious.
Miscellaneous: 5 It should be clear by now that I really think the first section is very promising and that the rest ought to be chopped. I would recommend that you keep the sexual innuendo and dirty words to an utter minimum. The first section avoids it a lot and to good effect. If there is an abortion...make it for a really good reason...and make it the focus of the rest of the article...and take a stand on it...and make it clear in a clever way what the newt has to do with it and what it represents.

Don't worry about some readers and their dislike of edgy articles or shocking moments in articles. Pick your audience and write for them. Pleasing all will ultimately please no one. If you really want to get this featured...then you will have to make some compromises, just don't compromise the humour or essense of the article and who you are as a writer. Just cause someone states their opinion directly and openly as though it is fact...does not make their advice useful or their views as the be all end all of great comedic writing. Brush it off and keep writing what you like.

And finally...remember that Jesus loves you and that you should go to confession every day and not eat meat during lent.

Final Score: 27 Jesus is our saviour and he died for our sins.
Reviewer: --ShabiDOO 05:38, July 23, 2013 (UTC)
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