Hi...this is my second ever Uncyclopedia article (I won't even tell you what the first one was, because it was so damned awful). Anyway, I'm not sure how long I should expect this to take, but a review would be fantastic, even though I pretty much expect you to hate it. Thanks a lot-BlueYonder 19:37, 14 April 2008 (UTC)
It can be rather hard to get an UnScript to be both gripping and funny at the same time. Some bits here, such as the entirety of Scene 4, are done very well, but there are some bits that just feel thrown in unrelated such as the end of section 3. While we're on section three, parts such as "Uncyclopedia. They need the Grues to shoot some soap opera…I think it’s called The Young and the Uncyclopedians." are cliché around here and detract from the article somewhat. Scenes 5 and 6 build up the tension nicely, but I feel that the last section feels somewhat of an anticlimax, feeling only loosely connected to the rest of the script. I would expand here, personally, possibly adding one last event to do with the hitman work that Dave is referring to at the end. You build up your characters well I feel, with the reader getting a real feel of what the characters think and feel.
It's your average UnScript, really. It's based on your normal TV sitcom by the looks of it, and is a general parody, which is more than OK, but isn't the most creative idea in the world. You need to avoid namedropping random things here - if you need to namedrop, try something that readers of this can relate to, such as related TV characters and such forth. Overall, an average concept.
Prose and formatting:
This is the best part of the article, which forebodes well for your future Uncyc endevours. You've formatted in the correct UnScript style, with bolded names, italicised stage directions and so forth. Your spelling is rather good, I thing, and the grammar I am letting slide as I feel it was on purpose due to accents. Two things take this down - lack of formatted images, and the fact that you haven't emboldened the "Love so Blind" in the opening section, only italicised it.
I know it's an UnScript, but nevertheless it still really needs images (the one in the UnScript template doesn't count). If you could photoshop the opening card or a leaflet or something promoting the play, that would be good at the top, as well as manipulating a picture of one of the more climactic scenes of the script to go in the middle, and a picture of the finale at the end. This isn't mega important for an UnScript, but a few images will take a massive burden off your reader as they parse what is a rather big block of text.
I've manipulated the score here a bit so that it isn't too low - I feel that for an UnScript the images section weighs in too heavily.
This is a fairly good UnScript in my opinion. Like I say, a little bit of development at the end, and some images, and this would definitely be an enjoyable article. You have promise to be a good writer, I feel. Good luck!