Yesh, my first UnScript. zhI hate me new sig 10:35 July 23
ChiefjusticeDS is currently reviewing this article, please stand by. --ChiefjusticeDS 14:12, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
Right, as I read this article I find my mind wandering onto how I really need to do something else with my free time, and then the realisation struck me, I was bored and your article was not gripping me as articles should. I was in a state of ungrippedness. What I see as the main problem here is that in trying to make a joke you have made the article so confused and difficult to understand the joke is defeated before it really gets off the ground. If you look at some of the best UnScripts you will notice that they tend to be coherent or at least require little or no outside knowledge to understand. A play is a play it is not an article, it should have a story and should be at the very least coherent. Your article starts with something that I certainly didn't understand much less find amusing. How exactly did you want this to be received? I would recommend scrapping the dialect, if you want to exploit that then you need to do a great deal more than you already have done to make it understandable. The parts of the article I enjoyed were the parts that I could understand which leads me to deduce that beneath the dialect there are some good and amusing ideas desperate to get out. Sort it out. Though out of desperation I really hope I have missed something drastic here.
In my opinion there are far better concepts out there than this one, however you demonstrate some effort to make it work. However the problem with the humour carries over to here where the concept is let down by a badly misjudged execution. The idea could work, but not in it's current form. Some serious work needs to be done to this before I can work on any concept issues, the execution needs to be understandable and the article needs to be readable to the average uninformed uncyclopedian before you can begin to improve on concept difficulties. Sort the coherence out.
Prose and formatting:
Prose are OK, though I do recommend that you invest some time in sorting out any stage directions. Take a look at some of the featured UnScripts to see how it should be done, if you have a look at Orian's UnScript: Trapped at Sea and you will see a very good example of how the formatting and prose should work for this type of article. Spelling is less of an issue here since most of the words are seemingly made up, any grammar problems are very minor and shouldn't bother you unduly. The images are OK, are you able to make them a bit bigger? You might also want to think about including one more. Cosmetic changes only needed here.
The images are relevant enough to the article and the captions are alright. However their size is a concern as I mentioned above, since I can't really see what is depicted in the second one. A third image would also be welcome just to avoid excessive text on the lower half of the article. As far as I can see you don't need to do much more with the images.
My overall grade of the article.
The thing about this is that I think that you have a potentially very good article here but it is too inaccessible. Consider how someone will react upon arriving at the page, the first thing they see they probably won't understand, you have to sort this out. This is an article that hates readers with a passion, and would, in fact, build concentration camps for them, you need to fix this up. Good luck with any edits.