An UnScript I wrote based on three audios (also included) that I did with some of my friends, like, four years ago. Needless to say, special thanks to Rosenkrantzenkreist, Sternensteinenstien, and Brian. —UnführerGuildyRittervonGuildensternenstein 03:14, 30 June 2009 (UTC)
I think that your humour is very promising, you have a reasonable grasp of what you want to use to make each section amusing. However, I think your humour does need some work in each section. On the section with The End, while it is clear, after a couple of reads, that you want Snake to be serious about the mission in this section and The End to be more preoccupied with being old, the text with Snake seems very redundant and I found myself skipping parts to read the next comment by The End. Try and make Snake's reactions fit what The End is saying. In the section with Sigint, I like the idea of relating back to the LAPD, but I think your execution in this section, and indeed the entire article, is flawed. The humour in an UnScript like this comes from being able to laugh at known characters in a new situation, if they responded as you expect them to. Rather than use Snake's regular tone you change his character to achieve an end result that is far less compelling. My advice would be to firstly avoid profanity, Snake rarely swears in the games and the character in here seems a far cry from the character in the games. Secondly choose one person to provide the new situation and avoid having it go both ways, have Snake react to the other characters rather than set up the humour. The best example of your humour is in the final paragraph where you complain about the save system. This is the type of humour that fans of the series will really appreciate, as it can be related to their own experiences.
The concept is a good one, I regularly state in my UnScripts reviews that satirising existing work is good if done properly. I think you are well on your way with this but should just re-examine the tone you use. I think the article has potential and could be excellent for fans of the series and amusing for newcomers, you just need to sort your tone which is very confused, flitting from Snake as a professional in the first section, to profane in the next two. This is all you need to sort in this regard as it does hold you back somewhat.
Prose and formatting:
Your prose are fine and your formatting is equally fine. The text is, for the most part, grammatically correct and really doesn't require anything other than a brief revisit to make sure all the sentences make sense. Your image to text ratio is also fine and the images fit what you are saying.
While your images are perfectly acceptable, the captions leave something to be desired, fans of the series will find nothing new in the image and so may turn to the captions for humour. Revisit them and try and be a bit wittier, especially with the para-medic image, because I had figured out that it was para-medic because the picture is in the section, I played the game, and it identifies her as para-medic in the image. Likewise for the box image. Try and be a bit more creative than this, it is obvious you can be from some of your other work, so please, put in some thought or remove the captions.
My overall grade of the article.
You have the makings of a solid article here, to improve you just need to take another look at the tone and execution of jokes. The image problems are really secondary to text. Try to relate the script back to the game or at least issues with the game like: unskippable cutscenes, constant codec calls, weird enemies/situations etc. This way you will really make the article far more amusing to read and much less redundant. Good luck with any edits.