Yeah I rushed this out a few hours before the deadline for the Poo Lit. It did come 3rd place but I'd like to know if I can improve it. Orian57Talk10:36 2 November 2009
I'm in here now. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 21:40, November 4, 2009 (UTC)
Why do I have to wait so long!? Are you fighting terrorism again? Am I gonna get kidnapped by the bad men again, Daddy? Orian57Talk21:43 4 November 2009
I am fighting terrorism again young Orian, but never fear because I'm locking you in the attic until it's over. --ChiefjusticeDS 21:49, November 4, 2009 (UTC)
Aww! But I wanna watch my programmes! Orian57Talk21:51 4 November 2009
Well now is the time you can start to learn one of my favourite hobbies from when my father would lock me in the cellar for weeks on end. --ChiefjusticeDS 21:56, November 4, 2009 (UTC)
At least if I was in the celler I couldt talk to the rats... :( Orian57Talk21:58 4 November 2009
Well unfortunately this house doesn't have a cellar, being perched on the edge of a cliff as it is, we only have sky and a very powerful elastic band. So it is the attic for you young Orian, but so you aren't denied your opportunity to commune with nature I have caught this slug, at great personal risk, I might add. Now up you go. --ChiefjusticeDS 22:04, November 4, 2009 (UTC)
Yay! I'll keep him safe because whenever we find a slug Thomas eats it. Orian57Talk22:25 4 November 2009
OK, I enjoyed your humour and the article in general, but that isn't to say there aren't parts that could do with a second look. The first thing I would recommend you try to do sort is giving the reader a bit more context. I read your first sentence and then had to read it again to make sure I wasn't imagining parts of it. I'm not suggesting that you do a preamble to it explaining everything as that would ruin the pleasing sense of mystery that surrounds the article, the main problem I found is that the context is so unclear, for the most part, I had only slightly more of an idea what on earth was going on by the end. My suggestion is to give indirect storytelling a go, essentially this means try out a technique that Valve like to use in a lot of their games. As someone who has played Left 4 Dead you will know that there is virtually nothing in the way of cutscenes in it, yet you can still find out what has gone on prior to the events of the game through other means, my advice would be to try something like this, you have already done a bit of it saying: "They confiscated all our weapons after we started with the nuclear bombs", my advice would be to expand this and put in some references or passing mentions of the events that took place before the article.
My other suggestion is with regard to your other jokes, you have plenty of jokes in the article to keep the reader amused and I certainly didn't have any problems reading through the whole thing, but I did notice that a couple of your jokes seemed a bit weaker than others, not because they were shorter or weren't running jokes but simply because they just weren't as appropriate as the others, the part I felt was most guilt of this was the part referring to the iPhone, it just seemed to be quite random and it seemed to me that there would be a better way of telling the same joke, don't get me wrong it isn't bad, but I just thought it felt a bit weak compared to your other jokes. I would recommend you have a look through and see what you think, be harsh with yourself and edit anything that you feel isn't as good as it could be; that said I think that some of your jokes are excellent, I liked the running music joke and I liked the majority of the dialogue.
Right, the concept is good and I enjoyed the way you pull it off, my main problem is with the tone you have used for the presenter. You mention that they only have the archives of MTV for cultural reference yet the times you actively use that lexicon are relatively sparse. Essentially you should probably try to make them appear a bit more in the dialogue of the article as I counted four paragraphs where you use it and was asking myself by the end why it was there in the first place. I'm not saying you have to write the entire article like the speaker walks around with their trousers keeping their knees warm and wearing a baseball cap like someone has balanced it on their head, I'm just saying you could make it a bit more obvious, if these people have only MTV to learn culture from. Just try to crowbar it in (the Valve references are mounting up) somewhere. Otherwise I was pretty pleased with this.
Prose and formatting:
This is pretty good, and your spelling needs comparitively little work. I would recommend taking a second look at your grammar as I noticed a couple of questionable instances of comma usage and syntax errors, that aside your spelling and grammar was of a relatively high standard, so well done. On your formatting, that is pretty good to, my main point being that you could probably use another image as there is a lot of space left over between the ant image and the quiz image, I would recommend moving them, resizing them or adding a new one. I leave this up to you, it being your article.
Your images are OK, but I would like to raise a couple of points. The first is that the top image of the land of the free and the home of the brave looks quite scruffy, I think you can do far better than that and I would strongly encourage you to take another look. Otherwise your images and captions are fine, just remember your captions if you do anything significant to the humour.
My overall grade of the article.
I really enjoyed reading this one and feel quite harsh to have picked out a large number of comparitively small problems for you to sort. I hope you do continue to work at this one, if only to recognise that final part of it's potential that I feel these small errors are preventing you from reaching. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.