Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetica:Black Sabbath (revised)

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edit UnPoetia:Black Sabbath

Rivised and exanded! In a short period of time. 23:24, March 21, 2011 (UTC)

Humour: 1 I feel bad giving you a 1 but I didnt laugh at all reading it. That is to say, Im not sure if the poem is meant to be clever or amusing or funny. Again, sorry, but I dont find is amusing. A little clever but not in a humorous way. So I give a 1. If you want this to be humerous I will suggest things but Im not sure thats your plan. As uncyclopedia is a humour/parody website, you might think about chosing one of those two and infusing your poem with that (are you parodying Black sabaths lyrithcs, maybe give us a link to it? Are you trying to be funny, I just dont get it, maybe make the humour less subtle.
Concept: 5 You are writing a poem about judgement day? Or some neo-satanic revival? Or is this your homenage to Black Sabath lyrics? Im not sure. The writing seems to be a bit of a mix of all three. Maybe its something completely different but nothing comes across. I suppose poetry doesnt have to be clear. My kind of art is the kind with an acessible concept which will help me relate to something about the world, or my experiences or even touch my emotions. I guess there doesnt have to be a clear concept if there is still something else about the work that makes up for the lack of it, but I dont see it. So I suggest two things. Either turn this into a work of genius so amazing that it doesnt need a concept, or infuse a VERY CLEAR IDEA of what it is you are trying to communicate to your reader. I just browsed Lyrithyas review. I didnt read it all but she seemed to say pretty much what I am saying. I suppose you have cleaned up a bit of the prose and the spelling and what not. But I seriously recommend that you do what I said before. Again, I repeat 1. Be posessed by some divine magical artistic gift and turn out amazing poetry that needs no concept or 2. Spend time thinking about what it is you are trying to say. A concept that is shorter than the actual poem. Ask yourself, is that communicated in each stanza? Is each line nesesary for each stanza? Is the line just a clever string of words that make me sound deep, or is each line communicating my message in an evocative/poetic/artistic way? The only concept I am getting now is that Satan is a bad ass, human beings are shit, we are going to get it bad from Lucifer soon.

There is SO much you can do with stuff from that. Why not show us that the devil is actually an insecure little freak that really wants attention? Or why not show us that god is jelous of the devil. That is a clear concept and can be communicated in a poem like this. This will open the door to infusing humour in the stanzas as well. In anycase, I dont think the poem is BAD, simply it is more demonstrating your ability to string cool words together than a concept or parody.

Prose and formatting: 9 Black writing isnt my kind of stuff, so I cant really give you advice on the prose. I dont see anything wrong with the division of the stanzas though nor spelling nor grammar as I suck at it.
Images: 0 No images.
Miscellaneous: 5 5 points for encouragement. SERIOUSELY! Think about the poem for a while before rewriting again. What are you communicating? Is there an overall concept? Why would someone on "uncyclopedia" want to read this? Is your poem communicating any of it. What can you do to make that happen. Spend lots of time with trial and error answering all of these questions and more. Perhaps more than just a day or two before sending it back before a review. Good work takes thought and time no!?!?
Final Score: 20 That being said, dont take all of the above badly. I think its awsome that you are working to get a great poem on uncyclopedia, I think the niche articles are the best, alternative ideas and creativity rock uncyclopedia. I dont think you should read this and get discouraged but the opposite. I hope you can give uncyclopedia a rocking poem! --ShabiDOO 23:49, March 23, 2011 (UTC)
Reviewer: --ShabiDOO 23:50, March 23, 2011 (UTC)
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