Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:The Break Up

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edit UnPoetia:The Break Up

Saleenmustang fuentfue Saleenmustang My Talk : My Awards 21:17, 29 May 2009 (UTC)

I won't put my template up here but I should be able to do this later. (along with another I promised someone). so if it isn't done in the next 4 or so hours I should be able to. :) ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 17:26 4 June 2009

Snow white2 Orian57 is currently reviewing your article.

Conversely he is also whoreing: Snow White

Humour: 4 the thing about this is that it really lacked humour. Basically because of the concept you chose.

I think this does need a re-write. Look at my concept section for ideas.

Concept: 4 “Breaking up” by itself is a fairly overused concept but it is one that can still be made funny. What you seem to have gone for here is a bit of a run-of-the-mill poem about a normal break up. There is myriad directions you could have taken with it, picked at quirky/disgusting things the narrator found irritating being the most obvious. Or you could have written this where the narrator was clearly at fault but doesn’t see it him/herself. Maybe the best one to go for is the less used one where the narrator is breaking up because there is nothing wrong with his/her partner (or a fault like impotency that the break-upee can’t help)
Prose and formatting: 4 Prose is extremely important for poetry. It has to sound good being read out and flow nicely. There were several places where this really didn’t. Take for example:
It started off nice
But you cheated on me twice
It isn't gonna work 
So listen up you jerk

Too many syllables! It just about ruins the rhyme. Read yours out-loud then read my version.

It started off nice
But you cheated twice.
It isn't gonna work 
So listen up, jerk.

Can you hear the difference? When writing poetry, it’s possible to create humour by making faster rhymes. Granted this isn’t something I know from direct experience but it’s something I’ve read. Notice also I used punctuation which you almost completely neglected.

And on formatting you appear to have wanted it to be all italicised to achieve this you’d need to italicise each line individually. Code like this:

:''Roses are red''
:''Violets are blue''

related note would be that when your default font is italics then to emphasise words simply un-italicise them, don’t use bold. Also generally just miss one line between stanzas, prevents over white-spacing.

Images: 0 No images. I’m not sure what the policy for images is in UnPoeta but it’s probably good to have at least one. Get something that connects to the poem and insert a funny caption that bridges two jokes or adds in another.
Miscellaneous: 3 averaged score.
Final Score: 15 If you’d like to thank/insult/ask me about anything please visit my talk page.
Reviewer: ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 05:28 5 June 2009
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