Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:Paradise Abridged

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edit UnPoetia:Paradise Abridged

My Milton-inspired PLS entry. Don't worry, it's not as long as it looks--iambic pentameter actually reads pretty quickly. I'd just like some in-depth feedback before nominating/revising it. Oh, and those big black things that say "Clicketh here for Book __" are links, so please click them. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:05, June 21, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 8 As can be seen by my most recent article, I enjoy the classics, and, although I haven't read Paradise Lost, I must say that I enjoyed this. The mockery of John Milton's epic is amusing, but there are a few things i'd like to address. First, although this is much shorter then the original, it still might be a bit too long for some users to sit through. I suggest trimming it just a bit more, and perhaps adding a little more ironic adbridging and reference to modern culture. However, I do think you need to change your delievery a bit: the switch from archaic to modern English can be a bit awkward at time (when God started cursing, it seemed a bit out of place), so perhaps you could consider keeping your language uniform. Since a majority of Uncyclopedia's readers aren't English majors, you might want to play with the text a bit.
Concept: 8 I like the concept of modernizing an epic and making it shorter so that it can be read by the average Joe, but like I said above, since Paradise Lost is such a massive work, parodying it will be a difficult task. For one thing, the size needs to be reduced, and the best way to go about doing that is to skip the tedious lines describing characters and their various names. Since this is Paradise Abridged, I recommend keeping the basic plot, but also skipping on some of the image-heavy metaphors and descriptions.
Prose and formatting: 8.5 This is Milton, so not much can be said about the prose. However, your current set-up can be a bit of an eyesore at times, so i'd recommend putting a few more images at the bottom. You also might want to consider making a link to the next book at the top of each page (like a template that you might see on wikisource) so people don't have to keep backclicking.
Images: 7.5 Your current images fit the poem very well. However, like I said above, one image per book probably won't cut it. You may want to consider photoshopping a few of them and adding one of your joke lines in, or perhaps just add a few more images that relate to Paradise Lost. (If it helps, I found this one).
Miscellaneous: 8 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 40 I like where you're going with this, and I think this is going to be a very funny article. Just work on trimming it down a little bit more and avoid the awkward shifts between modern and archaic English, and you should be good. I also recommend creating a cover for your book- if Sonje is still around, perhaps you could ask her about it? Anyways, good luck making this article work out.
Reviewer: Saberwolf116 19:30, June 28, 2010 (UTC)
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