Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:Necromancer's Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary
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18.104.22.168 17:24, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
I shall review this. Right now. Unless, of course, I fall asleep. -- 20101126 - 08:31 (UTC)
|Concept:||2||Okaaay, so I might well be completely missing the point, here, but this seems to be something about the Rush song The Necromancer, since the band is the same and the name contains Necromancer, and whatnot. Since 2112 is the album after the album in which The Necromancer appeared, however, I'ma gander this is the follow-up, or some such?
Yet the intro doesn't fit with that at all - in fact, it does not even really make sense - what does why the fellow was in prison have to do with anything, and why would Rush copy a poem that appears to be sequel to one of their previous songs? Inspiration, perhaps? Could play off that - a gay man, pining away in prison, hears the Caress of Steel album and is ispired to create something of his own, but due to his lack of familiarity with the music business leaves it wide open to be stolen, which Rush happily does?
There is a very major issue here - people will not necessarily have any idea what this is actually supposed to be. Even if they are familiar with Rush or just look it up, it doesn't make sense. The fact that the Rush link in the introduction links to Rush Limbaugh doesn't help matters, either, as he has nothing to do with it; in a case like this, I would really suggest turning that into a relevant wikipedia link so that the rest of us can get some background.
Then come the poem itself - what is it even about? What's the journey, what is this creature about to be born, about which so much repetition comes? It needs something to make it funny overall - some sort of grand irony, some parallel of something folks would know? Is the creature a reference to or personification of something? Make that clear if it is, especially since The Necromancer was an archetypical epic in of itself, referencing many bits of the Lord of the Rings...
Also, 1668? Is that a typo? Really wouldn't make much sense, otherwise.
|Humour:||3||So aside from what it is...
The creature is about to be born... dun dun duuuun. Must be building up to something dramatic, right? Well... no. Problem is, it doesn't even build up enough for the sudden change in intent to be funny - if it really built up to the creature being born, accumulating drama and just oozing seriousness, then the non-sequiter of the porn might be funny. As it is, though, porn is not inherently funny - while some might get a giggle, many folks will disregard random references as just classless.
And then what's happening? It has been born? Oh, great... anti-climactic, but great. But what's going on? Getting out of bed? Summoning stuff, now? Why? And the spirit is really the devil? What else would it have been? Again, if it had some sort of build-up, making it out as some sort of wonderful thing or some such, this might actually be funny, but it just comes across as... uh, okay?
This is a problem with most of it - it moves too quickly and jumps around too much, not establishing context or situation or setting of any of it, so it mostly just comes across as confusing. What's going on? What's that doing? What has the tall guy got to do with anything? Dorks living under doors? And now there's someone touching the speaker... it's just random, with a whole lot of 'the creature has been born' thrown in.
So slow it down. Establish what's going on, space it such that some things come more suddenly than others, mind the repetition, and use the non-sequiters to your advantage, and it might do more than confuse, and actually make sense and be funny.
|Prose and formatting:||6||Aside from the timing issues I already mentioned, it's one big block of text - no stanzas, refrains, nothing. So break it up - turn the creature bits into a refrain, or something... break it up into parts for each stage of the story. I mean, there is a story here, right? It is not just ideas... right?
The rhyming is actually pretty good. Rather strange pattern to it, though. In poetry and song, patterns are key. Repetition of larger and smaller patterns throughout a piece can make a big difference towards its overall fluency... not sure how this might help, but if it does... might be something to think about.
The grammar and speeling seem decent, although might want to check the capitalisation.
|Images:||4||That image... really isn't very good in of itself, unfortunately. But that aside, the only purpose it seems to serve is to place it within a certain album, anyway - one which does not even entirely make sense given the introduction. Whatever sense is made, however, perhaps instead of the album, why not an image or images relating to something from the song itself? Depictions of the imagery used? The Necromancer himself? The creature that has been born? The spirit being... something.|
|Final Score:||20||This may seem like an overly bad review, but as you probably gathered, this poem/song confused the hell out of me. If I have indeed completely missed the point, perhaps that in of itself should say something about what you need to work on - make the point clear, and that will make it less confusing, whatever it is. Hopefully some of the rest of this will be of assist, as well, but don't be disheartened and please come talk to me if you have questions or what clarification or whatnot.|
|Reviewer:||-- 20101126 - 23:49 (UTC)|