Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:Black Sabbath
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A poetic poem about the Black Sabbath, where satan forces everyone from all religion to come forth and worship his nasty deeds. Lucyfer & his friend, Wlado! 01:35, March 19, 2011 (UTC)
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|Okay, I'll be blunt. I can't even tell what you're trying to say with some of this one. There's no context, and some parts are grammatically ambiguous at best, so it's even harder to tell what's going on. What are you doing here, telling a story, describing a situation, outlining some sort of metaphor? Whatever it is, set the scene, stick to it, describe enough so that people know what's going on, and from there say what you have to say. Beak it up into stanzas by what's more related - background in one (the day?), then by stuff happening, who is speaking, etc, and make it clear what's going on, because I just cannot tell; it's like the speaker/target swaps partway through. But I really don't know, and that is a problem. I know, it's poetry, and poetry is poetical, but this is a humour wiki, and if people don't know what's going on, they're not apt to find things overly funny.
It also doesn't seem terribly poetical in the first place, though. Usually poetry will have a distinct flow and/or rhyme and/or meter; you have two couplets, but that seems to be it. You can't force these things. Keep the lines of consistent lengths and of consistent emphasis, following consistent patterns. Poetry is maths, really. Seems silly, but it is. Then again, pretty much anything can be qualified as numbers; that's what computers do.
Anyhow, metaphors and fairies and butterflies and skulls and blood are all plusses, of course, but you need something to make it actually poetry besides just linebreaks. Unless it really isn't? Is there really no relation to the band and album and song of the same name, containing many of the same elements? And if that's the case, why is it not in UnTunes? Why not make a proper mockery of that? But I'll get into that later, and either way it'd need more of a flow and meter.
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|Just what are you trying to do, here, anyhow? It's a poem, your poem about Black Sabbath, or so you said, but what is it? If it's just a random poem you felt like writing, you need more than that to justify its existence. Something about it that is funny. A concept, angle, jokes, satire of something... of that other Black Sabbath? If you do incorporate bits of that and make them silly, or mock their layouts, or do something like that, it could make for a good notion for folks familiar with that, so long as you get the idea across that that is indeed what you are doing. But if you do that, it should really go in UnTunes. That's for music, after all.
If it ain't related and ain't to be related, though, you do still need something. This place is not a repository for random things people wrote down, so make it fit.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|The 'big, giant, colossal ass' bit, while juvenile and not entirely sensible as to why it was even there, is vaguely amusing. But you really need to sort out what it's doing if you haven't and make whatever it is clear, or there's not much you can do and not much hope for any laughs.|
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|You don't have any images, so that's a 0 for the score. Not that poetry necessarily needs images (depends on what it is, how long it is, etc), but some sort of graphics usually help. Illustrate whatever you're doing. Some suitably dark image to dominate the reader's mind, in this case, or some such...|
Anything else... or not...
|Benefit of the doubt, here.|
|Final score |
11:06, 21 March 2011
|Yes, this is bad, and what you have is rather not good as well. But poetry usually is, around here, unfortunately. If you do something with it, though, make concept clear, clean up your presentation, it could at least fit. Need to make it funny.|