Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:Black Sabbath

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edit UnPoetia:Black Sabbath

A poetic poem about the Black Sabbath, where satan forces everyone from all religion to come forth and worship his nasty deeds. Lucyfer & his friend, Wlado! 01:35, March 19, 2011 (UTC)

Prose and formatting: 4 Okay, I'll be blunt. I can't even tell what you're trying to say with some of this one. There's no context, and some parts are grammatically ambiguous at best, so it's even harder to tell what's going on. What are you doing here, telling a story, describing a situation, outlining some sort of metaphor? Whatever it is, set the scene, stick to it, describe enough so that people know what's going on, and from there say what you have to say. Beak it up into stanzas by what's more related - background in one (the day?), then by stuff happening, who is speaking, etc, and make it clear what's going on, because I just cannot tell; it's like the speaker/target swaps partway through. But I really don't know, and that is a problem. I know, it's poetry, and poetry is poetical, but this is a humour wiki, and if people don't know what's going on, they're not apt to find things overly funny.

It also doesn't seem terribly poetical in the first place, though. Usually poetry will have a distinct flow and/or rhyme and/or meter; you have two couplets, but that seems to be it. You can't force these things. Keep the lines of consistent lengths and of consistent emphasis, following consistent patterns. Poetry is maths, really. Seems silly, but it is. Then again, pretty much anything can be qualified as numbers; that's what computers do.

Anyhow, metaphors and fairies and butterflies and skulls and blood are all plusses, of course, but you need something to make it actually poetry besides just linebreaks. Unless it really isn't? Is there really no relation to the band and album and song of the same name, containing many of the same elements? And if that's the case, why is it not in UnTunes? Why not make a proper mockery of that? But I'll get into that later, and either way it'd need more of a flow and meter.


Grammars, though... get a spellchecker. Also:

The day where the devil controls the anemically christian minded people - A day is not a place; it would be 'when'. And are they anemically christian, anemically christian-minded, or something else? What does that even mean?
And force them to drink their own blood - Is the devil doing the forcing? Should be 'forces', then.
As you wish - Is someone else being spoken at, now? For that matter, why does this line just end? Although they all do; perhaps some punctuation would be in order at the ends of at least some of them. Commas are popular.
To bring all of your advantageous possesions to the black shaded altar - 'possessions', rather. If you have multiple words acting as an adjective, it's best to hyphenate them: 'black-shaded altar'.
Orelse the barones of evil shal give you a great big rupture - 'Or else', you mean. And 'barons', 'shall'... but what does that mean, rupture?
You big ol' dick! - Okay, nothing syntactically wrong with this, just... eh? Now it's calling someone a dick?
Fall prey to his unbreakable powers, and kiss his big, giant, collosal ass - Now is it targeting the reader? Also, it's 'colossal'.
That is, unless if you're willing to be a delicious carcass - no need for the extraneous if,
For Satan's dinner when he watches the ball game
So just be sure to prey to him, and live another great day - You mean 'pray', no? Or are you giving him offerings of prey or something?
Black Sabbath - Wasn't particularly sabbatical, though - bit of a non-sequitor.
Concept: 3 Just what are you trying to do, here, anyhow? It's a poem, your poem about Black Sabbath, or so you said, but what is it? If it's just a random poem you felt like writing, you need more than that to justify its existence. Something about it that is funny. A concept, angle, jokes, satire of something... of that other Black Sabbath? If you do incorporate bits of that and make them silly, or mock their layouts, or do something like that, it could make for a good notion for folks familiar with that, so long as you get the idea across that that is indeed what you are doing. But if you do that, it should really go in UnTunes. That's for music, after all.

If it ain't related and ain't to be related, though, you do still need something. This place is not a repository for random things people wrote down, so make it fit.

Humour: 4 The 'big, giant, colossal ass' bit, while juvenile and not entirely sensible as to why it was even there, is vaguely amusing. But you really need to sort out what it's doing if you haven't and make whatever it is clear, or there's not much you can do and not much hope for any laughs.
Images: 0 You don't have any images, so that's a 0 for the score. Not that poetry necessarily needs images (depends on what it is, how long it is, etc), but some sort of graphics usually help. Illustrate whatever you're doing. Some suitably dark image to dominate the reader's mind, in this case, or some such...
Miscellaneous: 5 Benefit of the doubt, here.
Final Score: 16 Yes, this is bad, and what you have is rather not good as well. But poetry usually is, around here, unfortunately. If you do something with it, though, make concept clear, clean up your presentation, it could at least fit. Need to make it funny.
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 11:06, 21 March 2011
4
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
Okay, I'll be blunt. I can't even tell what you're trying to say with some of this one. There's no context, and some parts are grammatically ambiguous at best, so it's even harder to tell what's going on. What are you doing here, telling a story, describing a situation, outlining some sort of metaphor? Whatever it is, set the scene, stick to it, describe enough so that people know what's going on, and from there say what you have to say. Beak it up into stanzas by what's more related - background in one (the day?), then by stuff happening, who is speaking, etc, and make it clear what's going on, because I just cannot tell; it's like the speaker/target swaps partway through. But I really don't know, and that is a problem. I know, it's poetry, and poetry is poetical, but this is a humour wiki, and if people don't know what's going on, they're not apt to find things overly funny.

It also doesn't seem terribly poetical in the first place, though. Usually poetry will have a distinct flow and/or rhyme and/or meter; you have two couplets, but that seems to be it. You can't force these things. Keep the lines of consistent lengths and of consistent emphasis, following consistent patterns. Poetry is maths, really. Seems silly, but it is. Then again, pretty much anything can be qualified as numbers; that's what computers do.

Anyhow, metaphors and fairies and butterflies and skulls and blood are all plusses, of course, but you need something to make it actually poetry besides just linebreaks. Unless it really isn't? Is there really no relation to the band and album and song of the same name, containing many of the same elements? And if that's the case, why is it not in UnTunes? Why not make a proper mockery of that? But I'll get into that later, and either way it'd need more of a flow and meter.


Grammars, though... get a spellchecker. Also:

The day where the devil controls the anemically christian minded people - A day is not a place; it would be 'when'. And are they anemically christian, anemically christian-minded, or something else? What does that even mean?
And force them to drink their own blood - Is the devil doing the forcing? Should be 'forces', then.
As you wish - Is someone else being spoken at, now? For that matter, why does this line just end? Although they all do; perhaps some punctuation would be in order at the ends of at least some of them. Commas are popular.
To bring all of your advantageous possesions to the black shaded altar - 'possessions', rather. If you have multiple words acting as an adjective, it's best to hyphenate them: 'black-shaded altar'.
Orelse the barones of evil shal give you a great big rupture - 'Or else', you mean. And 'barons', 'shall'... but what does that mean, rupture?
You big ol' dick! - Okay, nothing syntactically wrong with this, just... eh? Now it's calling someone a dick?
Fall prey to his unbreakable powers, and kiss his big, giant, collosal ass - Now is it targeting the reader? Also, it's 'colossal'.
That is, unless if you're willing to be a delicious carcass - no need for the extraneous if,
For Satan's dinner when he watches the ball game
So just be sure to prey to him, and live another great day - You mean 'pray', no? Or are you giving him offerings of prey or something?
Black Sabbath - Wasn't particularly sabbatical, though - bit of a non-sequitor.
3
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
Just what are you trying to do, here, anyhow? It's a poem, your poem about Black Sabbath, or so you said, but what is it? If it's just a random poem you felt like writing, you need more than that to justify its existence. Something about it that is funny. A concept, angle, jokes, satire of something... of that other Black Sabbath? If you do incorporate bits of that and make them silly, or mock their layouts, or do something like that, it could make for a good notion for folks familiar with that, so long as you get the idea across that that is indeed what you are doing. But if you do that, it should really go in UnTunes. That's for music, after all.

If it ain't related and ain't to be related, though, you do still need something. This place is not a repository for random things people wrote down, so make it fit.

4
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
The 'big, giant, colossal ass' bit, while juvenile and not entirely sensible as to why it was even there, is vaguely amusing. But you really need to sort out what it's doing if you haven't and make whatever it is clear, or there's not much you can do and not much hope for any laughs.
0
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
You don't have any images, so that's a 0 for the score. Not that poetry necessarily needs images (depends on what it is, how long it is, etc), but some sort of graphics usually help. Illustrate whatever you're doing. Some suitably dark image to dominate the reader's mind, in this case, or some such...
5
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Benefit of the doubt, here.
16
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 11:06, 21 March 2011
Yes, this is bad, and what you have is rather not good as well. But poetry usually is, around here, unfortunately. If you do something with it, though, make concept clear, clean up your presentation, it could at least fit. Need to make it funny.
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