Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews: Koreans plan to take over Earth (2nd opinion)

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edit UnNews: Koreans plan to take over Earth

Staircase did an excellent review, but I'd like another. Plus I've made edits. It's Me Bitches! Don't worry, I won't kill you.

Snow white2 Orian57 is currently reviewing your article.

Conversely he is also whoreing: Snow White

Humour: 5 I can’t say I laughed at this, worse I wasn’t really amused by any of it either. It was just a bit too dry.

Making up what people say can be difficult I know, but it has to sound a bit more official than what you have. Try and make it sound like something the person would say or exaggerate (I think you did this quite well with the Nancy Pelosi quote, by making her overtly saccharine.) but with politicians and stuff it’s best not to swear. Try and find another way of saying it that’s still amusing.

Concept: 5 I think this is where you’re going wrong, really. You didn’t seem to have a proper concept, like you get in UnNews:Nuclear blast fails to settle Kim Jong Il's hair. You appear to have taken an actual news article and just changed the quotes a bit, which isn’t particularly funny.

You seemed to have hit on an idea for a concept with your last line, though. Trivialising the situation to the level of a TV show could work out funnier and is certainly an over all better attempt at satire. If you did that through the whole article, drawing parallels between it and this show (if there are any, I don’t know the show) or simply portraying it as unreal – or better a reality show then you could have something.

Prose and formatting: 6 It wasn’t awful but it was a bit drab for an UnNews, they’re meant to be a bit more sensational.

Also a bit about expression, like I keep saying to Tags. You have this sentence: “Russia also hasn't been given the most hospitalized treatment either” which trips over itself and is a bit redundant. For a start I think you meant “hospitable” not hospitalised (although this could have been a subtle joke). You have “also” and “either” in the same sentence which is unnecessary because they suggest the same thing, you only need one of them. I’d suggest this sentence: “Russia hasn’t been given the most hospitable treatment either.” It’s simpler. This is advice for the rest of you life, when writing – but especially with humour – use the least amount of words to say what you mean as possible (although conversely and now way off topic, when story telling show and don’t tell. Showing always needs more words.).

Also a strong opening sentence could be better. Something like: “WE’RE FUCKED” is instantly ‘grabbing’.

Other than that though your article looked nice, was formatted well with bold/italics and had a nice amount of links.

Images: 5 I couldn’t make out what it was. You’d need to make it bigger or maybe get a bigger picture of the thing because I really don’t know what it is and am therefore missing the joke.
Miscellaneous: 5.25 Averaged per guidelines
Final Score: 26.25 I do apologise if this seems negative but keep in mind this is just my opinion.

If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page

Reviewer: ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 12:57 31 May 2009
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