Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Zombies getting fat, junk food-eating humans to blame

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edit UnNews:Zombies getting fat, junk food-eating humans to blame

Made in two days. Indepth please. Thanks!Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 21:01, June 25, 2010 (UTC)

See User_talk:HELPME#Pee_Review_Request_and_Thanks. When I feel that I'll be done within 24 hours, I'll put my template on.--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Friday, 10:23, June 25 2010 UTC
Somebody else came along, but I'm pretty far into it already, so I'll give you one as well.--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Sunday, 07:43, June 27 2010 UTC
Humour: 3 article contains few jokes other than the concept. people have a poor diet in modern times, so people themselves have become junk food. okay. kind of funny. that's in the first paragraph. but then where's the second joke?

second paragraph suggests that zombies have trouble protesting because people think the protest is an invasion. which i guess is reasonable. because an assembly of zombies would definitely be an invasion. after all, they're zombies. as the article says, they can't read, so how can they assemble to protest? why do they have interest in political activism? seems internally inconsistent. it's a new joke but it doesn't really work.

third paragraph contains no new joke. just explains why zombies are protesting: because peoples' diets have gotten worse. so basically it's the joke in the concept combined with a fact we already knew, that people are eating unhealthier.

fourth paragraph: zombie explains why fat zombies are a problem. why is this zombie's speech so detached and objective about zombie problems? it's like he doesn't know he's a zombie. maybe he could say something more like "LAST TIME ME GO FOR EAT BRAINS, ME NEARLY GET CRUSHED BY FIVE HUNDRED POUND LARDASS." maybe then he falls down and can't get up because he has a belly full of twinkie eating people. show don't tell.

fifth paragraph. humans are complaining that zombies are throwing up something that attracts other zombies. probably funnier if zombies made that complaint since they're the ones puking. also the whole puking up goop thing isn't very understandable. twinkies and doughnuts turn green in a zombie's stomach? zombies are attracted to zombie vomit rather than human flesh? i don't get it.

sixth paragraph. i think it says that there hasn't been a zombie supporting group since the old one formed a convention and the zombies ate them. the fact that it says conviction instead of convention made this very hard for me to read. the idea of a pro-zombie group that was eaten by zombies could be funny. but the article goes into no detail about it. just mentions it. which doesn't inspire a laugh. show don't tell.

seventh and eight paragraph. obama doesn't care about zombies. obama not responsive to national crises. that's fine. that's a valid subject for satire. but maybe include some parallels between zombie crisis and real crises. like slightly modified quotes about the bp spill. like the fact that obama waited a long time to say anything about the spill and all he's doing is announcing committees. like "i have taken solid action against this spill (zombies) by announcing the formation of a committee with senator frank and former senator daschle who will create subcommittees at a community level who are in charge of creating committees." or you could have him fire another general. or invoke prayers to god because there's nothing he can do (as he did last week regarding bp). satire works best when it mirrors reality.

ninth paragraph: zombies on diets, christian zombies. these are ideas but that's all they are. they aren't fleshed out, no pun intended. if you want to make jokes about zombies on diets, make jokes about zombies on diets, don't just announce "zombies on diets" and move on. that's a topic for jokes, not so much a joke itself. plus, we're talking about illiterate, mindless, flesh-eating zombies. they're involved in politics, religion, dieting? maybe that's the joke but it's not consistent. are they the mindless walking dead or are they just essentially middle-class cannibals? needs consistency.

tenth paragraph: worst paragraph of the article, does more to hurt it than to help it. article goes first person and drops newslike tone, full of internet memes, not funny. and "too stupid to understand this article" but not too stupid to organize political protests and go to church? no.

Concept: 6 nothing wrong with the concept that unhealthy people = unhealthy zombies. needs more explanation of why zombies are capable of complex thought. and if they are, they might say funny things, and we'd be looking for funny quotes from zombies. i need to know more about what these zombies are really like. that's my biggest problem with the article.

also, satire of obama seems a little thrown in at the last minute. like "i need another joke what to do what to do a-ha obama!" if the concept of the article includes an inept government response to zombies then that concept should run throughout the whole article.

and the green goop puke stuff, i just don't get that at all. i don't know what the article is on about.

Prose and formatting: 2 this article needs a proofread like nobody's business.

"they are completely satisfy"

"But recent, in modern times"

"they are complaining... that they blame the junk food companies"

"which also effect zombies who eat junk food eating people"

that's the first paragraph. there are mistakes in almost every sentence. get someone to fix this.

also maybe this isn't a prose and formatting thing but it doesn't sound much like a news article. news articles usually have much shorter paragraphs with many more quotes. and the quotes go in their own paragraph. and news articles don't usually editorialize by saying obama is saying something "rather sarcastically." and you can get that point across with the quote itself, not by making the fake-journalist seem like a non-journalist.

Images: 7 i really don't like the fat zombie because it looks like it's from a video game and it takes me out of the realism of the article. the political zombie protest looks great. this article is short enough that it probably only needs one picture. lose the fat zombie, i think. or reverse the pictures. or find a picture of a fat zombie that looks like a real photograph. or other things. you have options.
Miscellaneous: 4 i dont understand what this category is for. also sorry for getting you banned for not pee reviewing my article. i didnt mean to do that. i thought since there were 2 other articles i wrote, it didnt matter if one of them sat in limbo for a day or two. but i guess they banned you. thats why i didn't put a template on this page. and also because i don't know how to make templates.
Final Score: 22 needs work but not a lost cause.
Reviewer: Horace Donald Westenchester 19:32, June 27, 2010 (UTC)

Second review:

Humour: 5 Well, it wasn't all that funny. I'm going to do this review in MDL's "note" style.
  • Note 1: Where did "1969" come from? I feel that instead of making up a number here, you could make this number some kind of special date. For example, you could make that the day the music video for Thriller came out, and use a citation to link to an external website that says it came out on that date. Just an idea.
  • Note 2: In the second paragraph, you refer to them as being "successful". What did they succeed at? I feel like you could put humor into what they were trying to do. Maybe they were invading candy shops? They are fat, after all.
  • Note 3: The third paragraph isn't very funny. I felt that there was some missed potential here. It was mostly informal. For example, you could insert a joke like "The zombies raided a local McDonald's and stole all of the hamburgers". Something like that- some satire on fat people.
  • Note 4: Could use more jokes overall. You could use the fat satire, of course. You could also attempt to satirize zombie movies and video games. I don’t know too much about this subject, though. You can figure out what to do on this- it will require you to work pretty hard. You can research the subject and find little bits to satirize. You could also satirize fat people, but I don’t recommend that, because a lot of articles do it already.
  • Note 5: I felt you could expand on some of your ideas a bit. For example, sometimes will blow up if shot" Why would they blow up? You could incorporate more humor in here- but leaving it like that makes it look random. Make sure you don't mention potential joke targets without expanding on them enough for it to be funny. Also, about the green goop- you could also mention characteristics of the goop. What makes it particularly gross? However, I must warn you: describing something really gross in gruesome detail is often unfunny. Don't fall into this.
  • Note 6: Same thing applies to the thing about the zombie support group. What were they called? What did they do? What were some of the members like? Answer questions like that in your article.
  • Note 7: The following paragraph is more interesting than funny. Also, I would rather you say "The President" over "Barack Obama", as it sounds more third person and less namedroppy.
  • Note 8: See my note in Prose and Formatting about neutral tone- simply saying that zombies are dumb isn't really funny. What you could do here is say something like "The zombies could not see Obama's crossed fingers over their large faces."
  • Note 9: The second to last paragraph isn't funny. A problem was that it seemed to be a mesh of many different ideas. Perhaps you could move the Christianity thing to a new paragraph, and satirize it. You could say things like "Zombies have even become church leaders and priests." This presents an opportunity for some deadpan.
  • Note 10: I really dislike a lot of the last paragraph. You know what I said about neutral point of view, so I won't bore you with how to do it, but man was it a problem here. You could even go on the flipside and say how zombies are so great and awesome by saying "Zombies are above human reading materials". And that second to last sentence is horrifyingly bad. I think I would rather refer to when my mother broke her thump skiing and had to ski uphill with a blue thumb to get to a doctor. It will almost frostbitten as well, which blended with the blue color to create a disgusting sky blue-black color. That may give you an idea how much I hate anything about rickrolls, Mr. T, and kittens. Please remove that sentence.
Concept: 6 God, I hate this section.

Interesting and original enough concept, but the execution needs work. See everywhere else.

Prose and formatting: 5.35 There were quite a few problems. You are getting better in this aspect, at least.
  • Note 1: In the beginning, you said "satisfy" instead of "satisfied". You also used "recent" instead of "recently". I think that proofreading will help fix mistakes like this. In fact, I would suggest proofreading it twice. Remember to read over it carefully, as Microsoft Word won't catch every problem.
  • Note 2: Some of your sentences were pretty run-on. While they weren't technically grammatically incorrect, I think it would help your overall tone if you made them shorter. For example, instead of saying "Despite the fact that they eat humans for no apparent reason, they are completely satisfied of this diet." you could just say "Zombies are completely satisfied with a strict diet of humans". It sounds sophisticated, and it's less long. Try to do stuff like this with all of your sentences that are long.
  • Note 3: "Know" is something you understand, e.g. "I know how to do awesome reviews". There is a difference between "know" and "no"! Never switch them.
  • Note 4: Typos, such as ending sentences with apostrophes instead of periods, are bad. Make sure to check for them carefully.
  • Note 5: You made some tense errors. For example, in the third paragraph, you said "and telling everybody" instead of "and told everybody". Did you use a grammar checker? It would catch errors like these. If not, make sure you do.
  • Note 6: You have no links- you should get some. Don't overdo it, though. I think you know how to link, so I won't bore you with the details. You could link to pages like zombies, humans, President, etc.
  • Note 7: Your tone was quite awkward in a lot of places. This is a pretty big issue. This is mostly because you ran your sentences so long. You offset them by commas, but they still stick out and weird the entire part of the article out. Here's one tip: Starting a sentence with a word like rather is just screaming for run-on. It might be better to break certain sentences into parts using periods instead of commas, making them shorter. Short sentences may be good, in some cases, but see below if you want to put in "punch" lines.
  • Note 8: You should always try to make your narration as neutral and third-person as possible. Remember that Uncyclopedia is a Wikipedia parody. Even when making punchlines, you should make an effort to sound like you are presenting neutral facts. Avoid words that insult or endorse the subject.
  • Note 9: Don't use shorthand in articles. Doesn't "until" sound more professional than "til"? That's my point. Make sure to catch things like this (Such as "cause")
  • Note 10: Saying stuff like "healthy people as well as vegetarians" puts some unnecessary length, which messes up the flow. Just saying "Healthy people such as vegetarians" is so much better.
  • Note 11: "despite what some can do to them" isn't very clear. Try to be as clear and direct with your prose as possible. You should say "Despite what eating humans can do to them." Make sure you catch any other issues akin to this.
  • Note 12: Please don't refer to your article as an article, or you as a writer/person. That's self-reference, and it's quite irritating. Remove all self-reference.
  • Note 13: There were some miscellaneous spelling errors here and there. Remember what I said about careful proofreading. You may want to ask the Proofreading Service for help on spelling and grammar.
Images: 6 Overall, they were kind of mediocre. Some analysis on why:
  • Note 1: It could use one more image, about the size of the first one. You could make one about his metting with Obama.

Now, an image-by-image:

  • First image: I'm assuming that's from a video game. Well, I dislike those bumps. They seem kinda pointless. Also, the caption could be a little funnier. I don't really know how to make it funnier, sorry. =/ So, let's go on.
  • Second image: Hardly any of those people look like zombies. try to aim for blood spatters on the face- they enhance the effect. You know why I hate the caption, I bet. I think you could make the caption something more like "Some of the zombies failed to go in the right direction. They were seen heading towards some slow, fat humans." -Something funnier like that.
Miscellaneous: 5.4 Overall score.
Final Score: 27.75 This needs some help, but I think you can do it. Also, I hope this wasn't just a repeat of the first review.
Reviewer: --Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Monday, 04:51, June 28 2010 UTC
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