Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:You Are in My Way

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edit UnNews:You Are in My Way

Wanted a review for this, because people seem to like it a lot on it's talk page. Whatever. ~ Readmesoon

Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 8 i will say, this article is rather good. i like the initial incident of a guy needing to walk in one direction (makes me think of MonkTM). i also like the buildup, with the man eventually revealing himself to be quite mad, needing to go to the north pole. however, i think the buildup could be layed out better. everything up until the fat part is good, but then i'd like to see a hint of craziness...then a shadow of craziness...then the north pole...then why he needs to get to the north pole...then some ridiculous time restriction or something. i think you could have a lot of fun with it. i'll also say that if you are indeed trying to make the narrator seem quite insane, then the vulgarities take away from it. instead of 'oh shit, a wall', try 'bollocks' or 'blast'. crazy people always tend to say such things.
Concept: 6.5 2.5/5 points for the subject, 4/5 points for the execution.

this really doesn't seem like an unnews to me. it seems very much like a Cajek-y mainspace article. it lacks any qualities of an unnews, like information being reported. i think a move to You are in my way would serve well; however, you should ask some users what they think about it first, as i may be off. on second thought, this is rather short, and i don't think adding to it would really improve it. so maybe unnews is the proper format. again, ask some people (maybe the people who showered praise onto the talk page?) what they think.

Prose and formatting: 6 kind of hard to read, with the short sentences and such. my reviews now come with a complimentary proofread so i'll go through and touch up the comma usage, etc. the large image was fine.
Images: 8 i think one image is enough for this one. i do like it, but i wonder which of the characters the narrator is. try referencing that in the caption.
Miscellaneous: 7.2 averaged'd
Final Score: 35.7 my preview button tells me that your score is 35.7. this is a rather good article, and it's grown on me since i first read it. some improved prose, a better caption, and some more buildup will help it. i gather you're looking for VFH. i'd like to think that this article would do well. in fact, i'd be willing to nom it after it's improved some. i'm going to do a proofread edit (which i doubt you will want to revert) and then a tweaks edit (which you can feel free to revert any or all of at your leisure). good luck, and if you need anything else, just pick up the Gerryphone and dial 30.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:02, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
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