Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:You're On Fire
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Someone with a little experience willing to help a noob here?
Mrmonkey72 17:32, 23 July 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||The article was funny enough for a smile, but not enough for out-loud laughter. While the general tone was witty there were few stand out lines. What was really needed was a sense of escalation. As "the reader" denies being on fire, I feel that ought to make the narrator try harder to convince, rather than just giving up and moving on. Sometimes an anticlimax can be funny, but this one just didn't work for me.|
|Concept:||7||The concept is essentially a sound one, with the humour coming from the contrast between the dire emergency being described and the calm and polite tone of the narrative voice. The only problem is that it doesn't go very far - the humour doesn't escalate, and the threat of someone actually burning to death is never taken seriously enough for the contrast to really work.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||I hate to give such a low score. The article is pleasantly written; the narrator's voice is consistent throughout and I don't see many syntax or spelling errors. My big problem with the prose is that the style is wrong for an UnNews article. Basically, I feel that UnNews articles should read like actual news stories; that is, they should be written in a very dry, matter of fact style. Other voices can be included, of course, but these ought to be in the form of quotes. I think this article would have worked better in a different namespace - perhaps "Why?: You Are on Fire"; "HowTo: Gently Break it to Someone that they are Burning"; or better yet just "You're on Fire" in mainspace.|
|Images:||4||The image is appropriate, but not particularly funny; the caption is descriptive rather than humorous.
Personally, I wouldd have used a variation on this image:
|Final Score:||26||I had a look at your list of contributions. As a general piece of advice, slow down. You seem to be trying to write as much as possible as quickly as possible. This is fairly common of people who decide to write for Uncyc; I certainly did the same thing when I started here. My work drastically improved when I slowed down and focused on quality over quantity, and yours probably will too.
You're off to a good start; you have some good ideas, some nice lines and a very fluent style; you just need to think more in terms of developing your ideas, rather than coming up with as many ideas as possible.
|Reviewer:||--Cap'n Sir Ben GUN WotM VFH VFP 04:42, 24 July 2008 (UTC)|