Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:World to be destroyed in August by powerful World Smasher

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edit UnNews:World to be destroyed in August by powerful World Smasher

You know the deal.

--Mgr. Sir Sonic80 19:57, 30 June 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 6 Well, in some ways this is pretty solid. It strikes the right tone; it observes its own rules; it's got a good rhythm and flow to it. My problem is that there really isn't very much in here that makes me laugh. Here, let me list the things that made me, at least, smile internally:
  • After a thorough investigation, they decided that they were, indeed plans. Pretty funny. Needs a comma after "indeed," though.
  • It is unknown how the French and Swiss have hidden their doomsday-machine. I chuckled at this, because I thought the joke might be that the UN couldn't figure out that the supercollider is underground. But, honestly, I'm not even sure that's the joke that's being made.

...and honestly, that's about it. The thing is, this article reads more like quality science-fiction on the subject "What if the Large Hadron Collider were a doomsday machine" than it does like witty parody. Most of this stuff barely seems like a joke. I mean, in this situation, Churches and Synagogues would be filled up. The Pope probably would do a world tour and return to Vatican City to die. The bottom line here, I think, is that this is good writing, but it only barely falls in the "comedy" genre.

Concept: 7 I think the concept that the LHC is a doomsday device might be fertile ground for a few jokes. I just can't really think of any. Other concepts might work better, here: for example, maybe France and Switzerland aren't terrorists, but instead just bloated bureaucracies who refuse to listen to the one heroic and strangely physically fit scientist who's trying to alert them to what's really happening!! Or maybe the LHC has been hijacked by a terrorist group, but their inability to understand particle physics leads to hilarious hijinks. One thing, though: if you want to stick with "France and Switzerland are rogue nations," we're going to have to hear a little bit about why they're doing this. Do they have demands? Are they bitter for any particular reason? Is Switzerland just completely weary of neutrality? Is France experiencing a wine shortage? Are the UN forces pushed back by Swiss soldiers wielding nothing but excessively complicated knives? I mean, if you're going to mention the countries in the article, it might be worthwhile to take a couple swipes at them.
Prose and formatting: 8 It's pretty good. Like I said, it flows nicely. There are mistakes, though. "non the less" for "nonetheless". "the machine, however they" for "the machine; however, they". "9" instead of "nine" (always spell out single digits). "message today, that the world" for, maybe "message today: the world". And the sentence "The man, or woman who found the plans will remain anonymous, to protect their identity, and their worthless life." just doesn't flow at all. It's kind of a brick in the middle of the article.
Images: 5 Well, it's a picture of the LHC. Appropriate, but not exactly exciting. The word "training" in the caption doesn't make sense to me. "Developing," maybe, but even then the whole picture is kind of dry and pointless except to pretty up the article. Honestly, for a short UnNews article like this, a single picture is probably appropriate, and the one up there already is probably the right one. Which means the scoring for this section is based almost entirely on the strength of the caption. It's the only caption in the article. It has to count.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 Averaged via the Windows Calculator, because the {{Pee}} template takes longer than it's worth.
Final Score: 32.5 If I had to give advice in one sentence, I'd say: just try to punch it up. Many or most FAs have at least one small punchline every other sentence; certainly, every sentence on Uncyclopedia should be functioning as some kind of a joke. And I'm not sure all the sentences in this article are. And if they aren't, they need to be rewritten. Even parts of long sentences can drag on if they aren't part of a joke: for example, consider "who immediately caught a flight out of France to the UN headquarters." Do we need to know that? Does it contribute anything to the article?

Anyway, I do hope you keep working on this one. Good luck!

Reviewer: Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 20:09, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
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