Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:US Govt. encourages Perverts!
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Can this one get pissed on?18.104.22.168 20:04, 12 May 2008 (UTC)
- Sorry, but new to this and not exactly sure how the table works yet. I will say that it's not neccesarily a bad idea "Government *Condones* Perverts" but you could use a couple of pictures in it and maybe some statments from the government ? Pictures of George Bush ain't that hard to find on the internet ;) Your content just now is also a bit of a stub. You might think about expanding it with sections on how it was passed through the senate? (majority vote / landslide victory / scraped through) as well as maybe some parents who are 'happy' to let perverts at their kids now that the government condones it. And oppositely some Perverts who don't think it's fun anymore now that theres no risk involved. Personally I'm not a big fan of swearing for a quick gag. I'd take out "Johnny Buttbanger" and co. and replace them with celebrities associated with the activity like Michael Jackson or Boy George (I think it was Boy George who got done in Thailand or something). Hope you found this insightful if not entirely helpful :) --Jonjammin 00:46, 13 May 2008 (UTC)
22.214.171.124 20:02, 12 May 2008 (UTC)
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|Humour:||4.5||Hmm, well there are some ideas in there, and a satirical swipe or so. The problem here is linked to your prose, I think, and also to do with clarity. Specifically, you need to be a little more clear about explaining things in the article so it is a little clearer. Are we just talking generally about the Smallstep program encouraging kids to get outdoors? At least, you need to allude to the sources of your inspiration a bit more in the article, I'd say, otherwise it may seem like a random idea - it makes more sense if people can tell where your inspiration lies (particularly if they missed the story you're referring to).
I like the idea of Judge Moses making it easier for pervs and kids to get together, but you need more explanation of how - you can have him cutting their sentences for an offense, but maybe make it a trivial one, such as jaywalking, in order to allow them to take advantage of this new law. "More forward thinking Judges like Moses are what's needed in these trying times", said Mr Jackson - that kind of thing.
I don't understand what Hillary's doing in there - the Michael Jackson thing's a bit old, but at least you know why he's in an article about pervs and kids - what's Hillary got to do with it other than she's in the news a lot and is a big love/hate figure?
I also like the idea mentioned above about the views of some perverts who think the fun has gone now that the risk element has been reduced, maybe you could consider working that in somewhere? Possibly at the end, as I didn't really feel that the last couple of lines really fit with the rest of it.
|Concept:||7||I like the idea of encouraging kids to get outside being twisted to be a sort of pick 'n' mix parade for perverts, but I think that to really work, you need to spend more time making the article feel more like a real news article, and that means structuring your sentences a bit more, adding in a bit more explanation, and generally trying to sound a little more official about things.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Well, the basics are there, and there aren't any really glaring typos, but the writing doesn't really fit, as I've already touched on. It doesn't flow particularly well, it doesn't feel particularly newsy, and in places it gets clumsy. "One pervert, who is Michael Jackson, says that," is a good example of most of this. No news article should introduce an interviewee or spokesman in that manner. Something like "Michael Jackson, spokesman for the Pervert Encouragement Demonstration Organization, told us" would fit better there. You need to spend a little more time on making all of the prose read more like a proper news item.
As for the formatting, well, it's OK, although be careful with your links, I had to fix one. And it would be better if you liked to a specific story rather than just the Fox News website.
|Images:||0||There aren't any. You need some. Generic pics of kids at play, captioned to claim they're performing under inspection or something, would probably do it. Not every article needs to have images that are awesome an and of themselves, but you do need at the very least one pic.|
|Final Score:||21.9||So, to sum up, it's not that bad an idea, but you need to work on your execution. Make it read better, in a more newsy style, explain things a bit more, make sure your links work, and add a pic or two. If you do that, this could end up as a decent little article.
Don't forget though, that this is only my opinion - and the opinion of a Limey at that. Other opinions are available if you want them. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 12:53, May 14|