Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:That chocolate Easter egg was terrible
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|Humour:||6||Well, the biggest issue with the humour is probably the fact that there aren't really any jokes in the main body of the article - just one at the end (and this itself has a few problems too, but I'll get to that later). All in all, it's a bit of a one-joke article. In the first paragraph for instance, the closest thing you get to making a joke is probably where you talk about the "crazy journey we call living", which is mildly amusing due to the deliberately silly phrasing, but still not really a gag. Unless you're going for a very straight or dry approach - which you're not - you've got to keep the joke count up. I remember Hype once said that if a sentence doesn't contain a joke or set up a joke then it has no place in an Uncyclopedia article. I think he makes a good point, although I wouldn't quite go to that extreme myself. I would recommend you try to twist some of the more serious things you're saying to make them funny. For instance, where you say "truth be told, I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny when I was ten", this could easily have a bit of humour injected into it. You could say something like "I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny ages ago, when I was like, 35." Not a hilarious line, granted, but I hope you see my point. A joke needs a "turn"; something the reader doesn't see coming. See what other lines you can insert punchlines into.
The problem with the joke at the end - wherein it is revealed that the narrator has eaten faeces - is that it lacks subtlety and it's kind of obvious. Although I do quite like the idea of the narrator's neighbour crapping in his yard, the way you just baldly refer to it isn't particularly funny. You may as well just end on "I ate a big piece of poo", which would have pretty much the same effect. To address the obviousness; I knew it wasn't chocolate as soon as you mentioned its shape. Now, this may not actually be a problem, because what you're actually doing here, quite successfully, is revealing that he's eaten shit without blatantly stating it. This would be a better way to end the article, in my opinion. If you could also put a subtle hint in there about the neighbour's bizarre garden activities, I think that would really help, because then there'd be no doubt in the reader's mind that it's actually a piece of shit, but you're still not having to spell it out. Then I would lose the recap bit, it gives the joke way too much attention, and spoils it before you even give us the punchline.
|Concept:||7||The concept is ok, not mindblowingly good but I suppose it's the execution letting it down really. The chatty, first-person approach is difficult to make funny, possibly because it's been done a lot and can end up being a bit of a template approach. You have to try to make it stand out. Perhaps you could spend more time defining your narrator - who seems rather familiar to be honest. The biggest problem with the concept, in my view, is the fact that it doesn't feel in any way like an UnNews. I'm all for pushing the envelope, but this doesn't resemble news, it isn't delivered in a journalistic style, it isn't about a current event (unless you count Easter, I guess). Nothing about it suggests news - TKF's disco article might have been "out there" but at the end of the day it was actually about a recent news story, and my UnNews:Chaos erupts across the universe might be mostly nonsense but at least it sort of starts off as news. I suppose it could be an editorial... but to be honest I'm not particularly clued up on those. Overall it would probably work better in mainspace, although that might make it look sort of stubby. It's up to you obviously, Kip; these are just some suggestions.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||The informal tone is a tad clumsy at times. You seem to have a habit of adding meaningless idioms that add nothing to the article, like "of course", "truth be told" and "but c'mon" etc, and a number of pointless adverbials like "relatively" and "really". I do this a lot myself, so it probably annoys me more than others. It might be worth trimming little things like this though, just so the sentences flow better. The way you put whole sentences together could probably be better too, as many of them appear half-arsed. Take a look at the first one, for example; "I woke up and got out of bed this Easter morning, and, of course, it felt like just another day." It reads like you're just basically listing the clauses you want to get in there, rather than paying attention to flow. Try to use a bit more brevity in the things you say, this line for instance could just as easily be "When I got out of bed this Easter morning it felt like just another day." That says everything you say in your version, but it's terser. See if you can edit the rest of your prose in a similar way; I usually find reading it aloud helps me sort out problems like this. Everything else to do with prose (spelling/grammar/formatting etc) is perfect.|
|Images:||7||There isn't really much to say here - you have one image and it's fine. It didn't really make me laugh but it serves its purpose. I still think you could try to make a joke in the caption though, just something like "at least it tasted better than Cadbury's". It's something to have a think about at least...|
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||The number of Easter eggs I've eaten so far this year. Ah, I love these Pagan holidays.|
|Final Score:||31.5||Ok, so overall not a bad piece. I would definitely try to get some more jokes in there, and refine the final punchline a little. After that it should be in much better shape. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 15:34, April 22, 2011 (UTC)|
I actually was going for dry writing. Close to the end, you start to think, "Wait, did he eat shit?" When he says "Oh God. My neighbor crapped in my yeard again," you think "Haha, I know it!" The toilet humor is supposed to contrast with the dry writing. But then! The final sentence reads, "Honestly, I think I would've been better off eating that" meaning he did, in fact, eat a bad egg and not the turd. It's the anti-climating twist ending with complete misdirection that gives it the "lolwut" effect. I dunno. I cried laughing at my own article when I wrote it. Of course, I was born stoned. -- Kip > Talk • Works • • 15:23, Apr. 23, 2011