Thanks very much for looking. Hope you like it.
Geoffprickett 13:31, 4 October 2008 (UTC)
I like this article a lot... It might be a little obscure for some readers, but as an UnNews article, it hits a lot of the right spots for me. Whilst I never roared with laughter, it kept me giggling throughout, which is often harder to do... it was one of those "hey, I'm getting this gag" giggles, as if I was sharing a secret with the author, and I kinda like that. Perhaps I'd like to see an expansion of the darker truth hinted at in the final paragraphs, and some events between the time of the call and the date of the article to really lift it into something special. Perhaps a failed date between Dr Hook and Mrs Avery, where he was expecting to have to pay for further interaction.
This is a fun concept with a lot of mileage. Flesh it out a little more and enjoy.
Prose and formatting:
No major issues here. Perhaps a few more non-italicised sentences to even things out, but that's me being picky.
The first image works for me, the second doesn't. I'd like to see Mrs Avery and/or the operator too... the former as a MILF in real need of satisfaction and/or the latter as someone in league with her - knitting needles drawn.
It tickles but it doesn't quite sing as yet. I think that a couple of really good gags are missing... UnNews is tough for that, as in the main you have really provided the right sort of voice for the story, and adding obvious rib-ticklers can detract from the tone. I just felt that it didn't have a really good pay-off, and I know how hard they are to come by.
A good article, and just a gnat's wotsit away from being great. It's lacking a je ne sais quoi - if I knew what that was, I'd be peddling my own shit more widely. Leave to mature and ponder for that extra sparkle.