Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Study: Blueberries actually just peas holding their breath

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Revision as of 04:25, March 7, 2011 by JackOfSpades (talk | contribs)

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edit UnNews:Study: Blueberries actually just peas holding their breath

I've noticed a pattern in my UnNews stories, so I'm looking for some feedback on my writing style in general. ~ Humbuck Talk 13:16, March 5, 2011 (UTC)

Writing style you say? Well I can certainly do that. Jackofspades (talk) 08:30, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 8.5 The humor in this article is great. It's a perfect example of taking just the hint of the truth and expound upon it. I love it. There are a couple of things that keep the humor from getting to the reader as fast as it could, but those things aren't related to the humor so they will be discussed later. You've done a great job with adding humorous mental images as well satire of extremist groups who would want to "adopt" the peas into the human race as well as ones who would want to eradicate them. Not much more I can say here, good job.
Concept: 8 Number One. The title. I wouldn't recommend changing this, but the title is misleading. In this case it disguises the main point of the article, the fact that peas are alien spores. Although it works for this article, I wouldn't recommend doing this too often in the future. I really like the whole idea of blueberries being suffocated peas. The whole alien idea is original, but I'm not sure I like it quite as much. Nonetheless, there is a lot of humor here which makes this a good idea no matter how much I like it. You've pulled off this idea marvelously without over doing the whole alien thing. The only thing that I can really say against this article other than you should make it more clear whether or not the aliens can speak English or not as right now you make it seem like they know how to speak English, then a sentence later you say that it isn't clear if they can speak English or not.
Prose and formatting: 7.5 The format, while a little awkward because of all the line breaks, is fine. Spike seems to not care whether or not quotes are in italics or not, but I think it makes the article look nicer if they are. The decision is up to you though.

There are certain points in the article that are awkward when I was reading through. At least one of the points made me read the sentence quite a few times before I got what you were trying to say. Two of the sentences that I found confusing are "...and who’ve received death threats both for selling what they’d thought was a vegetable, and for not selling enough of what they now know is not a vegetable" in paragraph seven, and “Is that on earth, the average spore is 1/1,000th the size of a pea. These things are going to be fucking huge” the last sentence. The first doesn't make sense no matter how many times I read it and the last one takes a few times until you get what it actually means. I think both of these sentences should be slightly reworded so they can be more easily understood.

Images: 7 Not much to say. It's a picture of blueberries, relevant. The caption is ok, but not really a laugh-out-loud caption. Maybe something more along the lines of "Clear!" or "Anyone know mouth-to-mouth? Wait, do peas have mouths?" just so you aren't stating something that the article is saying already. The picture could also be quite a big bigger, right now it's really small. I almost feel like I need glasses to see it, and I don't even wear glasses.
Miscellaneous: 8 Writing Style:

Since you asked for this specifically I might as well devote a whole section to it. The tone you use for news is fine. I would suggest not using quite as many quotes just so the article will flow more. If you want to improve more on your UnNews "newsiness" then I would recommend reading the articles that Spike puts at position #1 like the one there now and the articles that they are based on (like this.) As it is right now, you could improve on your overall tone, but then again who couldn't? Writing style is often based on what you're writing on, so getting a single style down perfectly is extremely difficult.

Final Score: 39 This is an excellent example of an UnNews article, especially for a relatively new member to the site. Keep this up and we might have to award you something.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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