Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Smiles All Round as Goth Dies

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edit UnNews:Smiles All Round as Goth Dies

I'm hoping this is quite good but I'm actually worried it may be in poor taste, to be fair I've tried to have a go at the real life wankers as much as possible but still keep it light-hearted, in HTBFANJS it does say "be silly about serious things", which i haven't done before. The image is my first attempt to do anything like photoshop. Also it's my first UnNews article although I'm not sure if that makes a difference.

orian57 02:23, 28 March 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 6 Writing your first UnNews article is always a difficult task, and I see full and well that you did try on this article. Despite the effort in this article, there was nothing that genuinely made me laugh or chuckle. You presented the information, sure, and you did it with a straight face, but you did not have a load of laughs, and the problems with prose also made humour a bit more difficult. My advice would be to read over HTBFANJS, it really helps bump article up a bit.
Concept: 7 Don’t get me wrong, it is very difficult to come up with a truly unique, satire worthy article, and satirizing Goths is hardly unique. Do not worry about the possibility of people being offended by your writings because, quite frankly, the purpose of Uncyclopedia is to have a humour-oriented time, and if someone cannot take the humour, they cannot take the humour.

Back onto the topic of scoring, the concept that a Goth is trapped in a mirror was helpful, (I took it as an attempt to describe Goths as soulless), but your text also hit a few problems. “Escaped with just five hit-points left” Quite frankly, this is not a video game, and I know that you intended this as a joke, but that part is not really needed

Prose and formatting: 4 M’kay, not meaning to be too overly harsh, but your prose is a rather bit confusing. In your opening paragraph, you said the boy was “commended as a hero and a martyr”, but a martyr means one who dies for a specific belief. You also claim that the boy was “sentenced to life in prison”, and in the end you say that the judge is “going to be quite hard on him and only give him a few years” These inconsistencies sting, badly.

Looking even further down, your sources were incorrectly constructed (give credit to the person and the website), and your categories are not nearly enough, only assigning the default ones. However good your grammar was, you took some serious hits with the problems I pointed out.

Images: 6 An article this short, I completely forgive having only one image, but what I have trouble forgiving is the lack of humour. I already know, from reading this article, that the Goth was trapped in a mirror, and I get the point that a 15 year old boy did so, you do not need to clarify that in the image. If you can find a small image and add that in, it would help a bit (and if need be, put the one-liner under that image)
Miscellaneous: 5.75 Avg’d as per Pee Review guidelines.
Final Score: 28.75 Well, here is some homework for you to do. I want you to
  1. Fix the errors with inconsistencies
  2. Add more categories
  3. Read HTBFANJS
  4. Cite the source properly
  5. Real life does not have hit points. Really.
  6. No need to over reinforce your points, seriously.

As I said before, UnNews, when you first start, is one of the most difficult sections to write in. I hope that this review was helpful, and that this article can become one of the best on Uncyclopedia.

Reviewer: Warm Regards, Javascap
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