Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Slovakia had better crazed gunman than Poland
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|Humour:||6||Hi, Ptok. This is a pretty good article you've got here, so well done there. I don't think I've ever reviewed an UnNews before and am not 100% sure what kind of criticisms they require, but this is such an old request that I just had to get it.
A lot of my criticisms are going to be regarding the language. Now I know you said you accept no responsibility and to take it up with your native proofreaders, but frankly if I didn't mention it there'd be very little to review. I will say however that the English here is rather good. Honestly, I've read dozens of articles by natives that aren't as eloquent as this. Anyway, I'll get to that later, let's take a look at your humour.
Ok, so the ariticle is funny but like a lot of UnNews pieces it's not really laugh out loud funny. It's more of a sharp and well thought-out satire, although again that might be more suited to the UnNews style. The article would definitely benefit from the insertion of a couple more jokes, I think, because there are sections that are entirely serious. Nothing major, just literally one or two more jokes overall should take it from funny to very funny.
So what can you do about this? I think the best places to get some more humour in would be the quotes from the various politicians. You should make more of an effort to parody the kinds of things politicians say in such tragedies, as it's a golden opportunity that you don't really capitalise on. For instance, the part where the Komorowski says "we are concerned about the shooting in Rybnik. We made many mistakes but we took a lesson from that." Try to imagine what the Polish president would really say (or what he did really say, if applicable). He might have said something like; "we are all deeply upset by this tragedy", for example, and then yours could go on to say; "but we will do better next time." Do you see why this would be funnier? It starts off as the kind of thing you would expect him to say, then twists it unexpectedly. While this isn't a hilarious example I hope you can see what I mean enough to try this on some other parts of the text. There are a few occasions in here where you could have tried to get a joke in but didn't, probably because you were sticking to the dry, UnNews format. Like where you describe Poland and Slovakia as "countries in central Europe", for example. Surely there's something funnier you could say about them? I'd recommend you just have another read through and see what you can play with humour-wise, try and get those twists in. These are just ideas to help you of course, what you do at the end of the day is up to you.
|Concept:||10||OK, the idea is a good one, and it's well executed too. The piece is a nice, if rather dark, parody of the popular "crazen gunman" news story, an unfortunate staple of news that rarely gets such a good treatment in satire. You adhere to the news format well by the way. There's not much else to say here other than good work.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Ok, so here's my comments about your prose, like them or leave them (but I would rather you liked them). To be honest, you and your native friends haven't done a bad job here, the slip ups in prose are all just things that happen to all writers, whether English is their first language or not. Again, I know you said you're not taking responsibility for it, but I've made it really easy for you, and when I feel there's an error or that something could be worded better, I'll give you a suggestion to replace it with. How about that?
First of all, the title is a little awkward. It doesn't really sound like a professional news headline. I'm not an expert when it comes to UnNews but I definitely think it would benefit from a move to another title, something simple and clear like "Slovakia win Kill Frenzy contest". Another issue is with the word "better". It's hard to tell what you mean by it until you read the rest of the article. Instead of better, try something like "higher quality of gunman" or "more effective" gunman. On a final note regarding the title, changing the word "had" to "has" (present tense) would also make it flow a lot better.
There are a few similar issues with your opening lines. This one, specifically: "The intention of the contest was to prove which country got a better crazed gunman." It's basically the same problem. First of all change "got" to "has" and go into more detail about what you mean by "better".
Then the next sentence: "The task was very simple--which crazed gunman kills more people before being shot or (less probably) arrested." - the problem here is you don't say what happens to the gunman who kills the most peope. The reader can infer that they win, but you don't actually say this. All you really need to do is add the word "wins" on the end to clarify. I'll show you how to do this, and also clean up some of the other issues too, so just copy and paste this into the article: "The task was very simple. The crazed gunman who kills the most people before being shot or (less probably) arrested wins." That should do the trick.
After that there are just two other minor issues with prose. This line: "Poland officially asks for a rematch" is in the wrong tense. Just change "asks" to "asked" in order to retain a consistent and professional tense throughout the article. And finally; "Slovakia's total score was 71 comparatively to 18 of Poland" doesn't really make sense. Just try "Slovakia's total score was 71 while Poland's was 18"; a much simpler version of what you're trying to say.
Also, I don't think "racialist" is a word, it should be "racist" (unless of course that's the joke, in which case it's actually kind of funny).
I was unsure what you meant by the "lame, devilish laugh". The two words don't really seem to go together, you see. Do you mean something like; "he laughed, maniacally"? Which would mean he was laughing like a maniac. Just try to describe exactly what you mean so the reader can visualise it.
Just a quick note for formatting too; there aren't many links in here, especially in the middle section. It just makes the article look a bit bare. Obviously this isn't a major issue, if you don't see it as a problem then don't worry.
|Images:||10||Your image is good, and the caption in particular is very well done. The only thing (yes, it's another language issue, sorry); I'd change "calculated" to "calculating", since that's what it appears to be depicting. This isn't a big issue of course, it still makes sense. Since UnNews articles are only supposed to have one image I don't think there's really much else I can say here. So... a 10 for score? It'd be a first but I don't see why not.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My gut feeling.|
|Final Score:||39||Ok Ptok, so to summarise; a great piece that could just do with a final proofread and maybe another joke or two. Sorry you had to wait so long for the review, but I hope it was worth the wait. If you want me to clear up anything I've said here, or take a look at something more specific, let me know and I'll see what I can do.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 19:46, October 19, 2010 (UTC)|