Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Serial killer "commited murder on an empty stomach"

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edit UnNews:Serial killer "commited murder on an empty stomach"

I wrote this up in a tiny amount of time, but the idea's been in my head for maybe even a year now. Rfaunus 18:52, 23 July 2008 (UTC)

Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!

i'll go as in-depth as i can (UnNewses are rather short)

Humour: 6 you'e got some okay stuff here. the absurdity of the article in general is good, along with the serious reporting tone. try to stick to that. the goodman/goodwoman thing confused me, you might want to clarify / get rid of that part. some of the one-liners, like the key under the mat, tended to fall a little flat. the example cases were good, though, try to elaborate on those. the length was a little short, even for an UnNews, so try to add some content in.
Concept: 6 4/5 points for a solid UnNews-worthy concept, 2/5 points for execution; keep with the escalating absurdity, i think that would work well, especially if you kept the serious tone.
Prose and formatting: 5 all of your paragraphs were essentially one sentence. try to have three or four paragraphs. your prose was rather poor, i'll go ahead and fix some of it.
Images: 2 you have one image, which really isn't relevant, and doesn't bring much to the table. one image might be fine for this one, maybe a box of cereal with a caption like 'be sure to eat a healthy breakfast so you won't kill anyone', or something of that nature.
Miscellaneous: 4.8 averaged
Final Score: 23.8 your final score is 23.8, placing your article around the 'rewrite' area. with some fix-ups that i'll perform shortly, your prose/formatting score would go up. you can also bring that image score way up fairly easily. this is a decent UnNews, which could be betterified with more content and the emphasis on absurdity; see some articles like Object Permanence for some ideas on that subject. good luck, and if you need any further help, feel free to pick up the Gerryphone and dial '30'.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 20:23, 29 July 2008 (UTC)
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