Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Scientists devote massive funds for cancer research to production of an 'orgasmatron'

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edit UnNews:Scientists devote massive funds from cancer research to production of an 'orgasmatron'

Yeah, me n' UnIdiot made it. - Don Leddy the Crunch Fedora (Nyah, see, nyah!) 15:49, Jun 5

YTTE got to it first, but can I just suggest you change the "for" to "from" to make it grammatically correct?-- purple Ape (burninate) (Riot Porn) 20:12, 6 June 2008 (UTC)
Oh, good call, i'll do that now. - Don Leddy the Crunch Fedora (Nyah, see, nyah!) 22:20, Jun 6
Hey Led, hope you don't mind, I may take a little longer to finish this review than expected. - [07:55 7 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Humour: 9 Okay, here's your paragraph by paragraph break-down of the UnNews:

First Paragraph: I like your opening, even if linking to "sexual innuendo" from a word like "massive" is a bit old. The "ADD-ridden reporter " thing is quite amusing, but it doesn't really make you laugh out loud. In fact, in terms of the laughing-out-loud-ness of this first paragraph, it's lacking a bit. I feel just one or two more jokes her couldn't go a miss. I think the funniness of "This did not last very long, however, as the funds were soon devoted to what scientists called a "way funnier thing." " could be improved upon. With a little bit of thought you could make that line really hilarious.

Second Paragraph: "a violent scientific mutiny, the likes of which are surprisingly common among research groups of this nature " is quite a good like, because of its sheer, er, weirdness and unexpectedness. "kicking the cancer patients down the stairs doesn't count as curing them " is the best bit yet and made me smile. There's quite a few laughs to be got from creating these really odd scientists. "it's only fun to laugh at their misfortune for so long, you know? " is another very good line. This second paragraph has been much better than the first. And of course, this paragraph leads you into the main idea...orgasmatrons.

Third Paragraph: This another very funny paragraph. "It's a bit akin to rape " and "According to a few burn patients next door, this new model is "a significant step forward from the coal-powered, steam-driven version" and should "significantly decrease, but not eliminate, the possibility of spontaneous combustion" " are two very funny jokes. The humour seems to be escalating and this third paragraph is definitely better than the very good second.

Fourth Paragraph: For a short paragraph this is funny, too. Your quotes throughout have been very funny and the one in this paragraph is very unexpected. The fact that the machine uses just an old-fashioned dildo, instead of fancy electricy current thingies is quite funny in itself. The quote is written very well and conveys the joke in an even funnier way. Congratulations.

Fifth Paragraph: This is another good paragraph. I'm beginning to run out of things to say, because there's not much to suggest that'll improve the humour, here. Pretty much all the jokes are executed well and are funny. None of them really seem to fall flat. In this penultimate paragraph we've got another sprinkling of very good lines, such as "the bet was called off once it was discovered that scientists have no money ".

Sixth Paragraph: This final paragraph ends the whole UnNews off very nicely. It's a good ending, which isn't quite a "twist", as such, but more, erm, "an interesting development". It works out very neatly, finishing with the scientists off to get their old boss. Well done. As I've already said, the standard of this humour has been like the rest of the article, very good. There's little to improve on here at all.

Overall: There's not much that I can suggest, here. It's already very good, and that's why I'm giving this a (maybe, slightly generous) 9. All I can say in terms of improvement is to see if you can squeeze a few ideas out of the concept, and see if you can improve that opening paragraph, a bit. Apart from that there are one or two things in the other sections to be addressed.

Concept: 8 The concept is a good one. Simple as that. I see it's not entirely your own, but the ideas have been changed significantly. If you're looking to get this featured then you really don't need to worry about improving the concept. I rarely give 9s or 10s in concept and only give them for really exceedingly clever and new ideas. But you've gone a good job of reading that ABC article and mangling it into something that completely fits with "Un"ness and which you can stuff full of very good jokes. I don't need to ramble on, anymore, this is a very good concept, well done!
Prose and formatting: 7 This was slightly weaker. The prose was fine and the text was split into paragraphs, very well. However the use of double speech marks (") inside other double speech marks can be slightly confusing, for instance ""He just went on and on about how "our work is important," that we "have to help these poor kids," " was slightly confusing to read at first. I think it would be better if you use double speech marks for the whole quote and then single speech marks inside the quote (if it's necessary). So for example, that bit I just quoted would become: "He just went on and on about how 'our work is important,' that we 'have to help these poor kids," etc. I think the article is also lacking links and could do with a few more, just to make it look a bit better. Otherwise the formatting seems to be fine, if a bit bland. As I've said, your prose are good and this is written in an appropriate and consistent voice.
Images: 7 You only really need one image for an UnNews of this length, however a second image would be nice. Also I feel that the one you have at the moment is a bit unrelated. I'd like to see a picture of the shiny new orgasmatron, how it's used, or someone in the process of testing/checking/building one or maybe a picture of the box the orgasmatron ships in? Even a picture of the place where it was developed? There's so much you could do here, and I don't feel you've really explored this, that much. The image feels like a bit of an afterthought. With a bit of chopping you could have some great images to go with this.
Miscellaneous: 7.8 Average!
Final Score: 38.8 Well this is a good UnNews. It's funny, hilarious in bits, and well thought out. It's based on a good concept, but maybe is slightly let down my the images and a few formatting mistakes. So my advice to you would be: Clear up the image, put a really good chopped one in and maybe put a second in, clear up the few formatting issues I mentioned and, if at all possible, see if there are any more jokes to be squeezed from the article and stick 'em in there! VFH? Definitely, once you've made a few improvements. Good luck and congratulations on another very good article!
Reviewer: - [09:34 8 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise
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