Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Santa's elves on strike this year, naughty and nice list shortened

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edit UnNews:Santa's elves on strike this year, naughty and nice list shortened

Nananananah. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 13:01, 14 July 2008 (UTC)

User:Orian57/peetemplate8

Humour: 5 Ok it wasn’t the finniest but there was some good jokes (like opeing with "NORTH POLE, MASSACHUSETTS "). A lot of what is stopping this being really funny is your prose. Make sure it sounds official and uses interesting language. (Also see below)

Yeah you also had the elves suing for $50,350 when you mentioned before that they were gonna sue only for $50,000. This kinda felt like there was a joke there without a punch line (What did they need the other $350 for?) try and include the joke (if there is one) or just leave it both at $50k.

Concept: 8 I did like this. A story about Santa in July, nicely ironic at least if not satirical. Him being sued has probably been done before but I still thought it was good how you pointed out he was essentially a charity (“Free service”) and you didn’t put all (in fact hardly any) focus on his breaking and entering habit.
Prose and formatting: 5 "Children around the world have been sad due to Saint Nikolaus Claus' firm's workers being on strike. " yeah this opening line needs a bit of work. Opening lines are important especially in UnNews articles. my main problem is “Nikolaus Claus' firm's workers” you hear the consonance there? It really doesn’t make it easy to read and your reader will trip up over the “esses”. Try something like “Santa Clause Unlimited’s work force going on strike!” (A side not eit really should be “going” not being). Secondly the word “sad” doesn’t make me care. Try something more sensational like “depressed” “enraged” or “suicidal”.

Your heading was good though, and that’s pretty much more important that the opening line.

Generally your prose needs some polishing (you’ve forgotten to close parenthesis at least once and over commarised in other places) and needs to be a bit more sensationalised. Occasionally you ended up sounding a bit garbled ("been blamed of fascism and other forms of hate previously in the last 200 years " being a top example) Try reading it out loud to yourself and that should pick up those bits.

Yeah you also felt a little unfinished. Try adding another paragraph at the end saying something like Santa is trying to resolve the problem by employing Gnomes to do the job instead. Something like that.

Images: 6 Yeah the image here was OK but the caption needs a bit of work. You have " CEO of Santa's Workshop, Saint Claus Senior, has also advertised obesity, break-in and even robbery. " But that doesn’t sound newpapery enough for my liking. Why not try “…Saint Clause Senior has also been accused of promoting obesity and breaking and entering; worried mothers also threaten to sue.”
Miscellaneous: 4.8 (averaged)
Final Score: 28.8 If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page.
Reviewer: SK Sir Orian57Talk Gay flag RotM 13:29 21 July 2008
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