Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Researchers discover that the song, "All You Need is Love" may in fact be false.
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ATTENTION: If you are not Orian57, do not review this! Don't even try, just...do someone else's. Tagstit 21:39, 22 January 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6.5||I got the feeling you were going more for the shock laugh more often not and that’s ok it can work very well, especially here where it contrasts with the whole love theme from the song.
I like the big italicised bits, improving them I’ve dealt with in the P&F section.
I also like how you added to the obvious punch-line the idea of decapitation. It was nicely absurd and made it funny and not a cliché.
I’m giving the below seven score because I don’t think it was consistently funny. There was a lot of padding and simple getting from A to B stuff. With that try and use more inventive language that is amusing (preferably relevant) just to keep it interesting (again that applies to everything).
|Concept:||6||The concept felt a bit too random and I wasn’t really sure where you were coming from at first. It almost didn’t feel like UnNews, partly because of the fact the you’d latched on to a song that hasn’t been on the news recently (ever?) and partly because it felt like an article out of Science Magazine. However I actually quite like that, it’s not very often people parody science articles and its something I’d like to see more of.|
|Prose and formatting:||6.5||Quite good but a few technicalities.
1) Everyone is one word.
2) You have “what it exactly is” That doesn’t sound right (even if it is), swap the “it” and “exactly”.
3) In the first line of the first italicised paragraph you should have “I’ve”.
4) First line of the second italicised paragraph “…research of the validity…” should be “to”.
A few other things I’d like to rework too, they may sound trivial but with comedy writing (and writing in general) expression can be everything, to make things clearer faster and/or more euphonious.
1) You have “many legends persist. One such legend was the legend started by a popular band called, "The Beatles” I find this annoying as it uses the word legend 3 times in eight words. Try: “…many legends persist. One such myth is the one purported by “The Beatles”.”
2) I’d also cut out the bit “after many years of uncertainty” from the end of the first paragraph.
3) in the first italicised paragraph you have “and bring a stray dog behind an alleyway.” I think “And drag a stray dog into an alleyway” would work better.
4) saying a billion million dollars or whatever sounds overly immature and in the context of this article doesn’t work as well as say “USD 500,000” (the joke being that everyone is seuing them not the cost of the sueing).
I think I’ve got all those but read it out loud to yourself to get any others I may have missed and do that in future as it does help you pick up on that sort of thing. Same for the grammar spelling stuff.
Oh and a formatting note. Move the second picture up a paragraph to reduce/get rid of the white space at the bottom.
|Images:||8||Though the images are quite plain you made them funny though the captions (Particularly the second one). For the first though, may I suggest you make the caption slightly more snappy (saying “every last goddamn one of em” seems like a bit much for only four people) try using the term “lying cunts”. This works better I think as it gives a harsher contrast faster. As I said above, it’s an expression thing. Also come to think of it the second caption could be better if you get rid of the last two words.|
As for VFH-ing this I’m not certain. I think it’s a good article but I’m not sure if it’s quite good enough for feature even with my suggestions. You can try nominating it and see what everyone else thinks but personally I’d abstain.
|Final Score:||33.75||If you would like to thank/ask/insult me about any of this feel free to come back to my talk page.|
|Reviewer:||~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 00:12 23 January 2009|