Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Radiation hits California, causes super-heroes
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I think this needs some improvement but I'm not quite sure what to do. (talk) 01:33, March 21, 2011 (UTC)
- You know, I was just about to submit an article just like this when I saw yours...Don't worry though, I'll be fair in the review. Or will I? I will, don't worry. But can you trust me? You can trust me. No you can't. Shut up. You shut up... --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 05:08, March 21, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||So the main thing I see wrong in the humour section is that most of the jokes you tell are a little bit cliche and expected. For example, the part about asking the guy if he will fight crime and him responding, "Uh...no. Why in the hell would I do that?" Is a little bit of an expected turn-around and isn't all that funny. Maybe something more ironic would fit better, like, "Um...hang on, this old lady is giving me a hard time with her purse. Let go you hag!" Something that has an ironic value seems to work well withing this article. Another example in the section where the guy says that his scales make it hard, "to pick up chicks at the bar." Once again, this is sort of expected, not that funny. Unforunately, I'm drawing blanks at how to imrove that, but I hope you get the idea I'm trying to get through to you.
Another area in regards to that issue, is the last section, "We think it's because America is only nation that matters." Ehhh sort of expected a joke about America being great, sort of over-done. Maybe something like, "Well, all that toxic waster underneath them, plus, those attacks from Godzilla, can really make you resiliant to radiation. The sushi also seems to be helping, but that's caused an increase in stomach cancer, so a sort of double-edged sword there...Ability to fly, stomach caner. Tough decision," would be better? Just an idea.
Another idea might be to add a section talkin about how some people are complaining about gaining 'useless' superpowers, such as invisibility in the dark, or the ability to speak to lamps. I think you could get some extra laughs at how "Mr. Green is tired of being followed by persian carpets who adore him for his superpower ability to attract them."...sounded better in my head. Anyways, just an idea for you there.
Another issue was that I didn't get some of the jokes you were trying to make, like this one, "I used to be able to travel to the west coast for...research, but now there are countless others doing my...research before I even get there!" I get how you made the comparison to Spider man with the characters name, but I just did' tunderstand this sentence. Why is he pausing each time before he says research? Who's doing his research for him? Superpower scientists? Also, where is the overall humour in this sentence?
Finally, in the last section, I was a little confused about, "In an unrelated story, funeral homes in California are busier than ever, with many claiming their loved ones have died of mysterious knife and/or bullet wounds." Is that because people are seeing if they have superpowers? Either I'm oblivios to the obvious, or there should be some clarification there. Either way, just a suggestion.
So that about it. I mainly suggest using irony in a lot of jokes, as it would seem to be more appropriate and funnier. That includes reverting those cliche jokes and clarifying the ones that don't make sense. That's about it, oh and that extra section idea.
|Concept:||5.5||The main thing about the concept, is it feels rather expected. You hear news about radiation and Japan, and people immediately jump to things like godzilla and mutations, things like that. You do have that nice twist of making it about Californians, which is pretty unexpected. Aside from that, the article doesn't have that 'unique' flavor to it, but that doesn't mean it can't be good/better. You should look into the parts I outlined in the humour section for a better idea of how to make this concept a little more unique so that it has a greater feeling to it.|
|Prose and formatting:||6.5||Just some tiny issues here. The first problem is in your first sentence, second part, "but it may have also caused another very unlikely event: Superpowers." Why would you say "it may have" if your article is about it actually happening? This denotes that it hasn't been confirmed that people have superpowers or not, but in your article, you prove otherwise.
|Images:||5||While that image is dealing with superheroes, I can't really say that it or the caption, really add much to the article. Maybe a picture of a Californian in front of a burning house with a caption like, "Mrs. Winters a.k.a 'firestorm' (seen left) after accidentally sneezing napalm on her gas stove." Or how about a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger seemingly embracing some random guy with a caption like, "Seen here, ex.governor Schwarzenegger being held hostage by Mr. Holfield, the new strong man in town." Or something that deals more closely with Californians and super powers. I think that that would greatly improve the article.|
|Miscellaneous:||5.56||My spidey senses are tingling for that score.|
|Final Score:||27.56||So that's about it for this one. Kind of short review, but it is a short article. Hope I was able tohelp you out a bit, sorry if I didn't, I meant well. Anyways, if you have any questions, coments, blah blah blah, just juke over to my talkpage and leave the secretary a note. She'll hand it to the mailroom who will then process it and then...ahhh I'm sure you know how it goes...|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 05:05, March 22, 2011 (UTC)|