Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Quantum physicists discover magic; J.K. Rowling demands royalties

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edit UnNews:Quantum physicists discover magic; J.K. Rowling demands royalties

Hey, you know how I hadn't written anything in three months? I noticed. So I did this. Critiques please~~ Sir Ljlego, GUN  [talk] 01:35, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Hey, big brother. *grins mischievously* - Sir FSt. Yettie (talk) (>>) [14:08 3 July]
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Humour: 6.66 First Paragraph: Your opening paragraph is a bit plain, but has room to get funnier in. The idea seems to be there, but the actual jokes don't seem to be quite pushing through, enough. In fact your first paragraph seems to dive into the detail of this atom, without giving you any time to breath. Maybe more could be made of the fact that scientists actually have no idea what this atom is because they couldn't carry out any tests? Whatever you do to this first paragraph you need to joke-ify it and expand on some of the current ideas lurking behind the text. Your mislink from "arsenic" to "arse" was interesting, slightly funny, but not split-your-sides funny.

Second Paragraph + Quote: The second paragraph seems to be similar to the first. It's slightly more gripping (if an article on Uncyclopedia can be gripping) than the first, though. It's still a bit dull and not laugh out loud stuff. It just needs a general sprucing up. More jokes about the team of German scientists could be in order, perhaps? Also maybe the quote could be a bit more official and a bit less exciting - to make it more spoilsport-ish?

Third Paragraph: Your mislink from "news" to the UnNews main page at the beginning of this section is funny. Maybe the link should be extended, so that it links from "unsurprising news" to UnNews? That would make a bit more sense. The, well pun, I guess: "15% rise in suicide-by-antimatter among scientists of this field " is quite funny. Good work, there. This rather short paragraph has, again, been quite jokeless, unfortunately. However it's definitely not terrible, and it's not bad, either. It just needs a few more one-liners added in the form of a couple of new sentences. This section has been, however, the best so far...probably.

Fourth Paragraph: Your fourth paragraph is quite interesting and did cause me to giggle, slightly, a few times. I liked the mislinks (sleepaway camp - teenagers / very huge - penis). They were quite funny, so good work there. "speaking on the condition of anonymity, Dr. Braun stated " was good, as well - a sort of contradiction. Your article now seems to be starting to flourish. Still maybe a few more jokes to make this better. More jokes could maybe be made about UnNews' quantum physicist's "visit to sleepaway camp"?

Fifth Paragraph: Your fifth and penultimate paragraph is quite a good one. Dr. Braun's description of the magic is quite funny - "I'm-going-to-turn-you-into-a-rat-unless-you-give-me-your-money magic " - but there still could be more. It seems to be lacking that little something. Pzaz. I like saying that, so maybe it's that. More likely it needs more jokes here and there, as I've mentioned.

Sixth Paragraph + That Final Sentence: This final bit is quite funny and I particularly like "her publicist hissed at the gathered press, turned into a werewolf, and ran away ". But as I've said before, this still isn't amazing. The description of J. K. Rowling jumping in on the private room is good, as well. However maybe a bit more could be made of this? Generally the idea of J. K. Rowling is introduced a bit late on, and quite briefly. It could do with a bit of expansion - there's plenty of room for more jokes about it. I guess I better say something about the final sentence, considering it's in bold...the sentence is fine, but it isn't really meant to be funny...is it? Good work on this section, but could still do with quite a bit more work.

Overall: There's something behind this, but you haven't quite brought it out with the appropriate jokes. Generally the whole thing needs more to laugh at. Various bits could be extended upon and there are a few places you could slip one or two more jokes in. The humour here isn't really up to standards yet, and could do with a lot of work. Some bits are quite a bit below average, but some other bits are actually quite funny. It's a bit of a mix, which needs some cleaning up and general improvement.

Concept: 7.01 The concept here is quite interesting, but seems to be almost the mix of two UnNews articles at the moment. The ideas are quite good and are lurking behind your article, but they need to be brought out a bit more. The J. K. Rowling bit currently seems to be a bit of an after thought. You need to come up with a way of fusing the two ideas a lot more smoothly and generally mixing it all in together. Also, why is this new atom possibly magical? Where does that come from? It isn't explained as well as it should be. The UnNews jumps from the discovery of the atom to magic possibly being possible. Even if the Dr. Braun who mentions this magical side to the article is meant to be completely nutty, his theory should be explained a bit. Also the title of this article seems a little bit misleading - because according to the article no tests have proven magic - but I suppose that's fine.

Otherwise the ideas behind it seem fine, even good, but they just need a bit of clearing up and smoothing down. They're there, but just a little bit rough and raw at the moment. Go forth and cut the rough diamond!

Prose and formatting: 7.11 One thing I noticed is that some of the writing in the article seemed a bit "untechnical", especially for an UnNews article. In the first paragraph, the way you describe the atom's changes in state seems a bit, well, clumsy. I reckon you could do this with a bit more finesse (if that's the right word) and a bit more precision. There are a few other sentences or phrases that sort of break the illusion of a real news article. You need to watch this and have a go at clearing it up.

I like the way you've formatted the quote - very pretty and a good use of the "4=" element of {{cquote}}. Otherwise the formatting seems fine. The paragraphs are pretty much all the same size, which is good, however they are maybe a little bit on the short side. As I said in the humour section, this is fine, because you need to expand the article a bit. With one or two more sentences/jokes in each paragraph they should be a good length. Blocks of text have been avoided, though, which is great - it's one of the things which can put readers off (as I'm sure you know). One thing that is slightly odd is the fact that your first quote uses the {{cquote}} template, but the rest are simply inbetween " "s and in italics. Maybe you should chose one or the other way of formatting quotes, just to keep everything the same. Everything else, here, seems to be in order.

Images: 7.03 You need one more, quite simply. Your current image is good and the caption fine. It also is very appropriate and helps you "get a feel" for what the article's about. However I would say one more picture could fit in quite nicely down there at the bottom of the article on the left. Maybe a picture of J. K. Rowling in her crazed, lawyer-induced state? A picture of the terrified doctor? There's plenty to choose from and you could be quite creative with the picture - photochopping is probably called for, here.
Miscellaneous: 7 I hoped you liked my two decimal place scoring. Now here's a zero decimal place average to enjoy! Surprising, huh? I mean the fact there are no decimal places... Yayo!
Final Score: 34.81 Here you have an article that has a good idea(s) behind it, but needs a bit of work and a bit of expansion. As I mentioned in the humour section, jokes and polishing is required all round. There are a few ideas that need embellishment upon, and the two main parts to this article - J. K. Rowling and the quantum physics - need to be fused together more smoothly. There are also various prose issues and some formatting issues that need a bit of looking over and sorting out - nothing major in that department, though. One more image wouldn't do any harm, as I mentioned in the (you guessed it) images section. With these various bits and bobs addressed you'll probably have quite a good UnNews, here. Good luck!
Reviewer: - Sir FSt. Yettie (talk) (>>) [12:51 4 July]
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