Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Osama bin Laden Found Alive, Living Under Miley Cyrus's Refrigerator
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Mr. Person 12:21, August 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Hello Andrew, I'll review your article in a couple of days and send you a message when I'm through! Mattsnow 14:21, September 16, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||7.5||Hi Andrew! This is a good piece you have there but I'll still try to point out weak spots or give suggestions when I can. These suggestions are there to spark ideas, you are in no obligations to follow them of course.
The article is structured soundly with a nice introduction of the topic, a bunch of good jokes that are holding well together as it develops, but the ending doesn't really end in a big punch, although having Obama booming in is a great idea. The "nobody cares" ending is a bit anticlimactic to me. And the article could also be juuust a little longer.
At the beginning, maybe you could talk about the photo they released of his exploded head being just another llama with an explosed head, sorry about that, said US Army Captain "Lies 'R' Us" Crounch. The old poo passage is where I started lolling. The raping of the hamster would have been so-so had you not named it Squeaky, it's so hilarious, the last part of the 1st paragraph is gold.
The second paragraph is funny as hell in my view, except for this sentence: "Jury selection is due to start next yesterday." It's not funny and not setting up a joke. Maybe add something funny to it relating to the composition of the jury (5 men, 4 women and 3 camels) and it will change the sentence dramatically. "Charges have also been filed against the Beatles for liking pie." It's pretty unexpected, but I kinda like it, despite the total irrelevance.
Nice twist with the Lady Gaga thing, but she could say something funnier.
|Concept:||7.5||The concept is very good, but I find myself contemplating the possibility that even more lulziness could have been achieved by bin Laden actually living somewhere else, let's say under her bed, which would open possibilities for some jokes (I can hear the mattress squeak, just as that poor rat). You could keep the rat joke, making it a double "squeak" lollercoaster. It would also give you an opportunity to make a joke or 2 on Miley Cirus, since you haven't. Just food for thought. And I could change the title for you, I recently have been awarded "rollback". Me iz important.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||The prose is top-notch, although you could maybe use a nice adjective 2 or 3 times. I have a hard time finding things to improve. Here is a "list" of passages that I think could use a little remodeling:
On the formatting side of things, maybe you could throw in 3 or 4 more links, maybe a lulzy false link somewhere, I think you should also link the ending to Nobody cares if you keep it that way. Also, there is a red link, but contrary to a lot of people, I think a few red links are good when they are about a topic which is likely to be written about in the future.
Also, the first paragraph could be split in 2 for reading pleasure, I see the ideal place for the hacking being "...strange accent. (HERE!!!!!!) Charges have..."
|Images:||7||The image illustrates the topic, but the caption could be better. That would improve the article a lot.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||Pretty much how I rate it. 7/10.|
|Final Score:||36||It's a lot harder reviewing and suggesting improvements for a short and good article like yours than a long boring one, I hope that helped. As I am a kind of janitor for the UnNews page and template, I'd like to know if you put it on the frontpage when you finished writing it. I think you could nom it for VFH after working on it some. It would be interesting to see if the other users like it as I do, I'm kinda confident they will, though anything can happen in this wretched world. Feel free to contact me on my talkpage. Cheers!|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 22:47, September 17, 2011 (UTC)|