Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Old people more likely to die, study shows (revised)
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|Humour:||7||Hi Magic. So this is a pretty good article you've got here. When I read it though, there were one to two things that niggled at me, if you'll indulge me.
There isn't really much humour based around the subject matter, a lot of it is tangential stuff. The first proper joke I noticed is the one about them having a party when she died. Ok, that was pretty funny, but it could be better executed. First off, get rid of the brackets. Nothing says "here comes a punchline!" like brackets, and you want your reader to be surprised by it. The way you word it is a bit clumsy too; just try to write the way people speak - try reading it aloud to yourself if that helps. I would go with something like "although in hindsight it might not have been appropriate to have a party", because that's quite subtle and realistic-sounding. Remember, scientists are generally clever people, their speech needs to match this, and can't be so clumsy.
Another joke that stuck out was the one about the guy who died of a "midlife crisis". This is a bit vague. How exactly does a midlife crisis kill somebody? Most guys I know just go paragliding or something like that.
The joke about the scientists killing the young adult falls a little bit flat in my opinion too. The biggest issue is that I can't figure out why they would plausibly do this. What could they possibly have to gain from it? The whole "shady murderer" approach lacks subtlety too. Is there any way you can suggest they've had him killed without it being so obvious? For example, perhaps when you interview the kid there could be a shady looking man standing beside him. Then you could say something like "the shady man refused to comment, but when our reporter came back from his cigarette break Jonathan White was dead". While that's not a hilarious line I hope it illustrates what I mean when I say be more subtle.
These pills that they're asking for to fight ageing, surely you can get more out of that too? It seems like a bit of a random, throwaway reference right now. Wouldn't such a medicine technically be the fabled Elixir of Life that grants immortality? Perhaps a joke about how alchemists have been working on it for thousands of years, and it should be ready any day now?
Anyway, I said something about tangents... My main suggestion here would just be to develop the idea a little more. It's a great idea, but there are missed opportunities, I feel. The core joke is the fact that scientists are once again stating the obvious, and wasting time and money doing it. What else can you get out of this? Were the public "astounded" at the findings? Was it the biggest find since their breakthrough conclusion that bears shit in the woods? Exactly what kind of "proof" do they have for the whole thing? That's another thing it's lacking; an explanation. I know it's obvious that old people die because they're old, but if this were a real news piece there would be a bit were they try to explain in layman's terms why old people are more likely to die. You know what I'm saying? Read some of our featured UnNewses, that might generate some ideas in terms of getting more content in there.
|Concept:||10||Like I said, it's a good one. The headline alone is hilarious. The only problem is that the title was probably the funniest part. Hopefully my advice in humour will help you readdress the balance.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||There are a couple of issues here two, which I will list. It’s mostly just bits of prose that are either hard to follow or that could flow better.
That's it for prose really. The formatting does look a bit off too though, you might want to give the images a bit of a shuffle around; make sure they're not breaking paragraphs or leaving too much white space (which at the moment they are).
|Images:||6||The two images you have are ok, I suppose the only thing you could probably do better is make it so the one of the woman isn't so blatantly sexploitative. It's not particularly funny to just have a picture of a hot woman, although it is a trap I've fallen into many times myself. The caption could probably do with work too. It doesn't really make a joke other than "she's hot", and doesn't make much sense either - why would there be a picture of her getting ready for the interview? Perhaps an image of an old person would be more appropriate? I'll leave that with you...|
|Miscellaneous:||7||The age I will die (in centuries)|
|Final Score:||36||So overall this is a really good idea that I would say just needs a little bit more work. Sort out some of the issues with the prose and see if you can expand it a little and it should be in great shape in no time. As usual, drop by my talk page if you have any more questions, need more help, or simply want to thank/abuse me. I hope the review was ok... err... I mean, my reviews are the best! Pee review is my bitch!|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 22:16, April 15, 2011 (UTC)|