Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Obama likes pie
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Though you might expect something silly from the title's name, this is actually a pretty straight article. When I read a top article on a news website about how much Obama likes pie, I decided the media needed to be mocked a little. This was on VFH for a short while, but failed due to not being funny enough, not to mention the slightly disrespectful pic of Michelle Obama. -- Kip > Talk • Works • • 23:33, Jul. 4, 2010
|Humour:||7.5||I think you've done a good job with the socialism/liking pie parallels (particularly with Glenn Beck), but I think there are a few things you still need to work on. First off, you should tweak Axelrod's introduction speech a bit. I think you should get rid of the word "freaking", as that doesn't really seem like a phrase a White House adviser would say. Second, I think you should change "OBAMA LIKES PIE!" to something a little less random in tone. Perhaps "Say, Jay, did I mention the president is very fond of pie?" that way, it sounds like a line that's trying to veer off-topic, but it also sounds formal enough to have come out of the mouth of a presidential aide. Also, get rid of that last line about Gordon Brown liking cheese- it's irrelevant, and doesn't really wrap up the article very well. Instead, I'd replace it with "It's unclear as to how Obama's love of pie will affect his presidency, but reporters think it will become much more messy." That's just an idea, but you get what I'm aiming at. Alternatively, you could just end the article after that paragraph, though that's a little awkward.
By the way, your AP link is dead. Consider replacing it with this video.
|Concept:||8||I like the concept of having the President admit an obsession with pie (particuraly since he actually does like pie), but there are a few problems with it. First, there's the fact that "I like pie" is the quintessential random statement, and it's been done so many times that it seems rather cliche when applied to someone famous. As I mentioned above, a way you could fix this would be to write the article in a very serious deadpan way. In my experience, deadpan usually works well when it comes to memes and random statements (Example: TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL).
I'd also like to hear Obama himself actually speak about this a little bit. Perhaps you could slip in a throwaway line from a statement at a press conference?
|Prose and formatting:||7||As far as I can see, you don't have any spelling error's and your writing style's fine. However, I think you need to do something about the amount of pictures you have-in my opinion there's an unbalanced Pic:Text ratio, with the former feeling kind of overdone. The first picture in particular seems like it doesn't really belong in the center of the article-perhaps you should consider removing it (see below). Also, the first sentence above the picture seems a little short because it's all by itself. If you're going to keep the first picture, I'd recommend moving the text below it so it's right above the first paragraph. Here's what I mean:
USA, Earth* -- White House senior advisor David Axelrod was a guest on The Tonight Show last Friday, sandwiched between the man who saved a flaming kitten from a tree and Lady Gaga. When Jay Leno asked him about the many campaign promises President Obama has yet to fulfill, Axelrod tried to change the subject by shouting, "OBAMA LIKES PIE!"
Confused, but wanting to stay professional, Leno asked him, "He likes pie, you say?" Surprised that it actually worked, Axelrod continued, "Oh yes, he absolutely loves to eat pie with a passion. It's a weakness of his. No, I would go so far as to say it's his kryptonite. For as long as I've known him, he's been a pie-fanatic. When we were on the campaign trail, it was always "Let's get some pie" and "That looks like a good place for pie". At one point, I considered joining Hillary's campaign. Over time, though, I've grown to tolerate it, but I can't really speak for others in the Administration. We had a pastry chef in the White House who actually quit his job because he was tired of making so much freaking pie."
If you did this, it would read a lot easier, IMO.
|Images:||7||Your images are amusing, but, as I said above, I think some of them are unnecessary. The first one made me smile, but I don't think it adds anything to the article. The president has pie on the top of his head, and...?
Also, the pic with Michelle is badly 'chopped. I think you should work on it a little bit more (or find a better replacement). The last picture is nice (whoever made that pie has talent-damn!), but, again, I don't think it really has any relevance to the topic at hand.
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||37||Basically, you've got a good concept here, and a fairly amusing article. However, I think you still need to work on fine tuning it. Overall, I think you need to work on making the tone a bit more formal, and maybe remove/adjust some of your pictures. I like this article, and with a little more work, I might vote for it on VFH. Good luck!|
|Reviewer:||Saberwolf116 15:54, July 20, 2010 (UTC)|