Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Obama birth certificate non-existent; Hawaii Health Director quits

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edit UnNews:Obama birth certificate non-existent; Hawaii Health Director quits

Yea, maybe VFH worthy? I don't know, should I know? I don't think I know...where am I? --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 22:53, February 27, 2011 (UTC)

It's the final countdown! (24 hours from now, that is) Jackofspades (talk) 23:09, March 1, 2011 (UTC)

My First UnNews Review. I hope it's helpful for you. Jackofspades (talk) 03:29, March 2, 2011 (UTC)

Humour: 8 I really enjoy the jokes you have in here. A couple of them miss the mark (like the last one with the reporters) but for the most part they are excellent. You have a really good mix of news reporting and humor. The main thing I would keep for future UnNews articles is the style you employ of starting a paragraph or sentence in a way that makes it seem like news then throwing in a "throw-away" joke at the end. A great example of this is at the end of the third paragraph with the quote that ends "Drunken, or not." This is great because it's a short and sweet joke that comes in at the end of a quote that seems like it could be legitimate. Also puns. The quality of a pun can make or break an article especially in an UnNews since they are so short. The one you have about Abercrombie and Fintch is just right as it isn't a "bad pun" where people feel the need to punch you in the face for writing it (see: a number of my edit comments made after 1 AM) but it isn't expected in that paragraph (some people might have seen it coming but I didn't.) Finally, the caption of the image followed the same formula as most of your other jokes and was spot on, it actually made me laugh when I read it when I was fully expecting to have to "have a talk" with you about it judging from the opening line.
Concept: 6 The concept for this article is pretty weak. As I see it UnNews articles should be changing a story so that it has a humorous slant in the story itself. You have a pretty good start on that with adding the "because of obama's birth certificate," but that's quite a bit of an outdated reference now and is a little too close to the truth. What I usually do to write an UnNews is, obviously, start with a story, but add a pun or something outrageous to the title (Example: I wrote an article about Adam Wainwright undergoing Tommy John surgery but changed John to "Gun" which barely changes the title but changes the story dramatically.) This story seems to be more of the type of UnNews where you took a story and just added in jokes.

The above section was more for future UnNews articles. The concept can't really be improved without rewriting the whole article, which isn't advisable at this point. Although I don't think that this is the best way to do an UnNews it isn't bad, but simply taking an article and adding jokes (even though they are funny jokes) isn't enough, IMO, for a great UnNews. It's not a bad way to go though.

I have to ask: I'm sure there is a such thing as "medical billing fraud," but is that the technical term for it? If not, you should probably change it to the actual term as medical billing fraud is hard to read for some reason. It took me a couple times to actually figure out what that meant (maybe I'm just stupid, I don't know.)

Prose and formatting: 7 There are a lot of things about the prose that I noticed while that make the article a little clunky. Quite a few of your sentences have extra words in them that make them more drawn out then they should be. For example, in the first sentence the ending is "...and also the first person to quit working at a job in Hawaii." The "working at" in that sentence is entirely unnecessary, and honestly, I would rewrite the ending of that sentence so it reads something like "...he is not only the first to quit in Gov. Abercrombie's administration, but in all of Hawa'ii."

Some other sentences that are awkward are: 2nd para. 1st sent. "...response to Gov. Abercrombie trying..." could be changed to "Gov. Abercrombie's attempt. 2nd para. last sent. "...in order to keep the truth of Obama's missing birth certificate from surfacing." could be changed to "in order to keep the truth from surfacing" as it's already been determined that the birth certificate is what's being covered up. There are a couple more that are either minor fixes and/or I can't find right now. I'd recommend reading this through again (perhaps out loud) to see if you can find a way to make some of the clunkier sentences flow better.

Also to note: The company is Abercrombie and Fitch, not Finch. Although I agree that that would be absolutely hilarious.

Your formatting is fine for the most part. The only thing I would change is the quotes. For quotes in UnNews I personally use the <q></q> tags which puts the text in quotes and italics for you. Back when I was writing more UnNews Zim liked to just use '' (two apostrophes) to make quotes italic. You could also use a few more links to other articles. The links don't have to make sense, like you could link quit to the stupid article or something. Always a good thing to give other articles more traffic.

Images: 8 I'm assuming the image is of the actual person mentioned in this article. That's good as anyone who knows more about this than I do will recognize that instantly. The picture could be bigger so that the caption doesn't take up so much space because right now the caption is almost as big as the picture itself. That being said the caption should also be shorter as per the formatting and prose section. I would recommend taking out the Interim Hawaii Health Director part, this makes the caption shorter and it lets readers get to the punchline faster.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 36 Good UnNews article overall. Featurable? Probably not, but I can definitely see a featured UnNews in your future.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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