Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Obama Wins Democratic Nomination, Clinton Pushes Forward with Campaign

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edit UnNews:Obama Wins Democratic Nomination, Clinton Pushes Forward with Campaign

I wrote this yesterday and wanted to get some input on how it is. --Mgr. Sir Sonic80 01:13, 7 June 2008 (UTC)

Just finishing up a review for Led, but I'm pretty sure I can get this done tomorrow, if that's okay?
Yup, sure. --Mgr. Sir Sonic80 17:41, 8 June 2008 (UTC)
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Humour: 5 I'm afraid the best way to describe this article is "meh". It's so short it never really gets going, in fact this is really just two quotes and an introductory paragraph! There's an underlying joke, which is quite funny but the article doesn't expand on that. You feel, at several points, that you're about to get a really good joke, but the punch-line never seems to be there. Obama's quote - "Darn, I hate her. At least I won't have to look at her for 4 more years, as like a vice president or something, right? Right? " is the closest you get to hitting a punch-line in the whole article, I'm sorry to say. Even that feels a bit lacking.

Concept alone can't make this article good. You need a varied selections of jokes to be slung in there. There's so much you can do with this idea. There's a few points that you should be satirising: 1) The idea of American imperialism and the fact that America thinks it owns the world and 2) the fact that Hillary Clinton staunchly refused to admit defeat for a long time. You could also get a few jokes out of Hillary trying to address Iranian needs. Going from a Jewish to an Islamic country she's bound to contradict herself in an attempt to win over voters.

If you wished you could also add an element of Hillary claiming there to be another state, that she's just "found". There's so much to laugh and satire that this could be a really good article. I just feel you haven't really gone for this, as much as you should have done. I presume you heard of Hillary's claim that she ran from an aircraft under sniper fire. Why not use this? Every time you mention her landing or taking off in the article you should make it under fire. At first it could be rifle fire, but throughout the article it could work up to WMD fire. E.g. Hillary ran to her plane under machine gun fire, yesterday, and landed in Iran amid shell fire. Hillary arrived at a children's hospital, later on in the day, with rocket fire blazing over her head. Be creative and imaginative and there's so much to be squeezed from this idea. You can make a few funny jabs at Obama, maybe a few at McCain as well, while you're at it. You could even direct one joke at Bill Clinton (the one time you mention him).

As I've said: What you've written at the moment is slightly lacking, none of the jokes seem to be finished and it feels a bit bland. While the beginnings of jokes are there I'm afraid to say that for the moment this is inadequate. Don't let this put you off, though! I'm sure you can shape this into a very nice article.

Concept: 8 The concept is a good one because it offers so many opportunities to satirise the current Democratic nominations and America (and its politics). As I've outlined in the humour section, you just need to build on this, if you want a good article. The concept doesn't really need much work on - it's the other sections that need your attention. Congratulations on this idea, even if it isn't entirely original and inspired by that CNN news article. The topic isn't exactly a new one at the moment, but that's fine, as long as you can get new jokes in.
Prose and formatting: 6 Apart from the shortness of this article (which really does need to be addressed) there's various other mistakes which add to a just under average score. First of all you have two quotes, and they're both formatted in a different way. I would suggest using {{cquote}} tags on both the quotes. You could maybe do with a few more blue links, as well. Another little problem of this UnNews are a few grammatical errors coupled with a couple of typos (the sought of thing UN:PS would fix, if they're still active). In "Barack Obama claimed the title of Presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate " you don't need capitals for "Presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate". You just need a capital at the beginning of "Democratic" - as it isn't an actual title. In "Wednesday Morning Bill Clinton issued this statement; " you should have a dash after morning and a colon (not a semi-colon) after "statement" and there should not be a capital "M" at the beginning of "Morning". A better way of putting it would actually to make into a sentence, like this: "On Wednesday morning Bill Clinton issued the following statement:". That colon at the end could also be a dash. I was being quite picky,, but that was a good example. There's a few more of those type of thigns floating around.

Also a few sentences need to be worded a bit better, just to make them flow a bit more. I think the only other prose or formatting issue in this piece is the title - "UnNews:Obama Wins Democratic Nomination, Clinton Pushes Forward with Campaign". I would change this to "UnNews:Obama wins Democratic nomination, Clinton pushes forward with campaign" as per some UnNews guideline (that I can't find at the moment).

Images: 7 Because this article is so short, one image is fine. Going for a picture of Hillary is entirely appropriate (as she is the main focus of the article). The caption, too, is fine. It's not amazingly funny but it'll do. One quick note: in the caption it says "Hillary Clinton puts on a "smile" as she boards the plane to Israel to campaign for the presidential primary ", where I think you mean "for the nomination primary". If you were to expand this UnNews a bit then it wouldn't hurt to add a second image, on the left. There's quite a bit to chose from, when deciding on what this second image should be (it could be a graph, Hillary's aeroplane or car, someone (Hillary or Obama for example) addressing people - to name a few). I would recommend that the second one is a chopped image with a joke in it, if you can think of a funny, appropriate idea.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 You got Average'd.
Final Score: 32.5 There's a lot of potential here, but you need to put a lot of work and effort in, to unlock the said potential. You need to knuckle down and improve some that humour and you need to improve a few prose/formatting issues. At the moment this article isn't amazing, but could easily reach VFH/feature level if you're prepared to put work and time into the piece. Good luck, and if you want to ask any further questions please direct them to me on my talkpage. Hope that review helped.
Reviewer: - [16:19 9 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise
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