Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Monsters of the World Now Immune To Christians

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edit UnNews:Monsters of the World Now Immune To Christians

Hmm, ok. I'm not generally great at UnNewses and I doubt this is an exception. Just wanna know if it makes sense as it is and if it could be improved. Should note also that it is a rewrite from something an IP wrote last year, which is why the date is a bit out, though I like teh date it's at.    Orian57    Talk   Union pink 16:03 31 July 2009

Ahahaha! An article by Orian appears on PEE review and he says some disparaging stuff about it. I have to review this one! --ChiefjusticeDS 19:31, 31 July 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 7 Strange obsessions with reviewing Orian's articles to one side, there are a couple of difficulties that need to be overcome before this one is as good as it can be. Firstly, I really like the idea of integrating the conflict between liberalism and conservatism into this one. I would, however, urge you to be cautious, if you are integrating two ideas into your article, especially in UnNews, you should make sure that when you transpose an idea onto the article that the point of the article is not lost. To say that in a simpler way: Remember that ultimately the article should be about the fact that Monsters of the World are Now Immune To Christians. As I completed the article the point of it was not at the forefront of my mind. In UnNews you cannot afford to do this. The jokes are perfectly valid, I just feel that they should regard the subject a bit more (More on style and coherence below).

The humour in UnNews also comes from writing comedically (obviously) but also writing as though you are actually reporting on a news event. While you successfully write amusingly, you fail, to an extent, to acquaint the article with the appropriate base for your writings. Open up BBC news or CNN, whichever pleases you most, and read an article, use that style. Note how an article contains observations more than quotes and often make assertions with some kind of intent. It is this that you need to work on. The article is by no means bad, but is not as ideal for UnNews as it could be.

Concept: 6 The concept is good and I already said that, as far as this article is concerned, the idea of integrating the Democrat vs Republican conflict is a good one. My issue is with your style. A news article anywhere is read for information primarily and anyone should be able to summarise the subject matter with reasonable accuracy after finishing it. What you need to do is copy an actual practice of journalism and approach the article as though you know nothing about the subject in question and see how much you would know when you finished the article. In this case I knew that it probably wasn't a good thing and that the republicans and democrats had opposite views, but I had no idea what the views were articulated on, it is alluded to that the monsters have been pillaging and otherwise acting like monsters but this is never addressed in the text. This let's down an otherwise promising concept, don't get me wrong, the interviews are spot on but they have no real basis.
Prose and formatting: 7 Your prose are reasonable and spelling and grammar is not the main drag factor on your score in this regard. Though another proofread would not go amiss. What is the problem is your coherence, make sure the article remains coherent throughout. In the latter part you note that Dr Brian Death is a professor of undead studies in Oxford, but the following quote implies he is undead, was this intentional? This occurs to varying degrees in the article and you should make sure that things are clear so that there is no undue confusion for any readers. You could also do with one more picture, I generally work on the assumption that 2 is the bare minimum, take a look at Boomer's article on VFH, that is pretty short but still has 2, consider including an extra one.
Images: 7 The image is OK and the caption justifies it's inclusion, but just put another one in. It can be anything, try to make it something to do with the UnNews article, possibly one of the people you interview? You know the drill with including pictures well enough.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article
Final Score: 34 It is a reasonable article and a bit of smart editing and a little more work will do wonders for it. Make sure to fix the coherence and style most of all. Good luck with any editing.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 20:30, 31 July 2009 (UTC)
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