Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:McDonalds Should Be Boycotted
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Everyone else gets to be controversial. It's my turn, Pup t 05:34, 24/07/2009
I've got this one. --ChiefjusticeDS 08:58, 24 July 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||I see what you are doing here and it works, in some ways. Your humour works for the UnNews article, but there are some things that I would suggest that you revisit with regards to this. You fall into a very common trap very early on in your article; when you sit down to write an article you generally have an idea for jokes in mind, however you should resist the temptation to race into the article and forget to stress the point. Especially in UnNews, the fact that the purpose of the article is stated at the top of the page is not enough, you should proceed into the text as though there is no headline. Your start is confused and not very clear. The reader has an idea of where you are going but isn't sure how what you are saying fits into it. Also, slagging off conservatives is all well and good, but be careful, professionalism shouldn't be sacrificed for the sake of having a cheap laugh. If you can find a way to be far less overt with your points and still make the same jokes the article will be much better for it. Remember you do not need to exaggerate everything, especially not when christian conservatives have so much wrong with them without exaggerating things.
Also, the idea of making sentences with capitals or making jokes by using capitals and normal letters is fine, but it appears in your article all of a sudden and with no explanation. If this is supposed to be a Conservative Christian news article then why would these occur? You could justify it very easily by saying something like "In other news, this paper, highly acclaimed as God's favourite newspaper, has come under fire from God hating liberals who say that we encourage hate crime with secret messages. This is completely unTRUE " While that isn't great it makes the point, just say something.... anything, to justify this, as it's fairly amusing, it just doesn't work if put in the same context as everything else.
|Concept:||7||It isn't too bad, you have the right idea and you write reasonably well. You should be careful with your tone though, as you need to make it sound like you are reporting rather than simply publishing propaganda, even if you are. Sometimes you seem to forget this and it would be to your advantage to go back and reconsider your tone in some cases. Have a look at a conservative news paper and see how they get away with it. Or just practice writing in an appropriate style for UnNews as there is a certain knack to it.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||It's generally OK, though you should go back and read through again to get rid of some grammar problems. I know I sound like a stuck record over this but I really can't stress the importance of proofreading enough when you are writing for public consumption. Your spelling is fine besides being generally American, but you will be pleased to hear I haven't knocked marks off for that. You should also consider one or two more images for the article as you only have one right now (that one is also a bit large, do you think you could reduce the size a little?).|
|Images:||5||You need more images. A good guideline is to try and include at least two in all articles of reasonable length. The image you have is fine and quite amusing, so more of the same is desirable. Anything that you can relate to the article would be fine, ultimately you just want more than there are right now.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||My overall grade of the article|
|Final Score:||32||You have the makings of a very good article here, and, despite all my criticism, it is reasonable as it stands. You just need to sort out a number of issues which are causing you a multitude of problems. Proofread carefully and put in the effort and there is no reason that this article should not do well. Good luck with any editing.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 09:46, 24 July 2009 (UTC)|