Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Jesus Christ endorses Obama

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edit UnNews:Jesus Christ endorses Obama

Got it!

Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Humour: 7 The opening here is quite strong and I loved "This came as a shock to many Americans, in particular atheists ". That's a very good line. I'm smiling already in the opening paragraph, which is a good thing! Despite the slightly inconsistent grammar and comma-usage your writing was strong (and quite funny in places). I thought that you could have got a bit more of a joke into "Many right-wing analysts found a democratic endorsement shocking and quite frankly baffling. They thought because of issues like abortion and gay rights Jesus would side with John McCain " and that you could have made quite a bit more of that. God? A democrat? Surely not!

"Sure they'll go to Hell, but that's not my fault " (I added that comma) was quite nice, with the mislink in it. Found that quite amusing and I smiled, but didn't actually laugh out loud. "Political analysts believe that Christ's endorsement of Obama will help him win the Christian vote but may only hurt his standing with Jewish Americans, who dislike Obama for treating Israel on an equal level with other nations and having the middle name of Hussein " was quite funny, especially the end bit, even if it was a bit o.O . Again good, funny, but not laugh-out-loud funny. Still your UnNews is so far looking very nice, and quite funny to boot.

"The Clinton camp responded in minutes to this high-profile backing " while this is a well written and expected sentence it looks a bit lonely all by itself in a paragraph of its own. Even still it sort of wets your appetite for what's to come... It makes you feel a great walloping of funny is coming. And the Hillary quote was very good. I like the way that she obviously lays into Jesus, as well as she can, picking at his negative bits and trying to discredit him. I can almost imagine that happening in real life. Of course, if she had been endorsed she would have been praising the Lord and Jesus (and Obama would have done the same thing - just saying that so you don't think I'm anti-Clinton, but I'm not anti-Obama either)...so that bit's very clever.

Probably the funniest line in the whole thing (for me, at least) came with "she was insinuating she wouldn't mind having Jesus crucified to help her win the democratic nomination ", for some reason I found this hilarious. I don't know why, I can't really explain this slightly random humour, it's just funny. Good work. "whatever happened to Mrs. Clinton was not his fault " was a strong, and quite funny, line to end it on, good work. I enjoyed reading that UnNews, but there are definitely things to be done.

Reading through your UnNews, it can be a tiny bit frustrating at times, but that doesn't mean this UnNews is awful...quite the opposite! You've got lots of little things in here, which are buds of raw humoUr, but you need to add to them and expand on them. I can't go through every single one, but I think I've mentioned a few. What this needs is a good old-fashioned run through with a bit of an expansion to bits you think have potential to be seriously funny.

Concept: 8 While the race between Obama and Clinton isn't exactly a fresh topic, this new angle you took made it seem quite fresh and quite amusing. Jesus favouring a candidate? Very good. I feel you just need to make a bit more of this idea with the jokes you have in the article. Since the concept is quite strong you can almost get away with average humour - but that doesn't mean that you should get away with it. If you can improve the humour here, you're looking at a very good UnNews piece.
Prose and formatting: 6 This is average formatting here, but it's broken up by the use of {{Q}} tags. I would replace the current tags with the slightly prettier {{cquote}} tags or just put all the text in speech marks and make it italic. Otherwise the formatting seems to be pretty standard. There's a good amount of blue link, and a few red ones (which is fine). Everything is formatted according to UnNews standards and the text is broken into friendly, decent sized chunks of text. Good work. There was one thing I noticed, you were missing commas, in quite a few places. Need to watch that in the future. I've tried to tidy this up in bits. After reading it through again I realised that you were actually quite sloppy in bits with your writing, grammar and sentence construction. This needs a little look at and a bit of a cleanup.
Images: 7 I would give this an 8, because the image you do have is relevant and has a funny caption, however it's too big and disrupts the article. I would scale it down a bit and put another image in. Maybe a picture of Obama looking happy, or something similar? Also, I would put the first picture on the right hand side (per UnNews tradition) and the second one, lower down, on the left hand side.
Miscellaneous: 7 Woo, an average!
Final Score: 35 You've done well here, and I enjoyed the piece. It isn't, however, VFH ready. It's got a pretty average score, but I really don't want you to give up on this. This article has great potential and I reckon you really need to try and take this all the way. So what do you need to do? Well, first of all you should replace all the {{Q}} tags with {{cquote}} tags. Then you need to read the article through and try and tidy up some of the slightly sloppy grammar/writing. Once this is done you then just need to address the few humour issues and...well...make it funnier. Doing this is going to be quite hard work, just like it's hard work to write anything which is really funny. A few one-liners here, some sarcasm and irony there and you should be on your way to making this article excellent. Also I think this article has the potential for a few more satirical jabs at American politics and the two candidates (and of course a few jabs at Jesus, himself!). Good luck! When you think you've made all these changes to the best of your ability I would resubmit your article to Pee Review to see how people think it's getting along. And one more time: good luck!
Reviewer: - [18:07 1 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise
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