Hey, it's me, RMS, your-not-so-ex-UnNews reporter. I know I've been gone, but eh? I had the urge to write here again. Give me your thoughts, suggestions, and overly-harsh criticism praise. ~ Readmesoon 01:27, January 28, 2010 (UTC)
I like the humor in the whole "Get rid of the annoying kid" situation. Lines such as "Yeah, those were the same ants that ripped up Timmy here... I mean, that even ate some of his bones! How cool is that?" are great, with the implication that the investigators too have the minds of annoying little kids. While there is quite a bit of humor in this, some parts feel a little bit awkward (some of those are due to grammar, which I'll get to then). Things like "They just... went.... you know..... uh..... can I have my bagel now?" are hilarious, but you followed it with "Todd went off to his room and the began listening to The Jonas Brothers." That line seems pretty much randomly thrown in, just for a cheap laugh at the mention of The Jonas Brothers. There's not really a transition, and while the idiocy of the Joe Bros is quite comical, it doesn't really have anything to do with the story, which takes away from the humor somewhat. Other similar circumstances, such as "Studies also show that nearly 20% of females in the same age area have considered purchasing the latest Barbie doll." can hurt the article rather than help. If you're going to include another statistic, make it one that has something to do with 4-8 year old boys or torturing insects or something of that nature. Also, parts like "It's about time he died, the world is a much better place without him." seem more dark than they do funny. If you want to make the dad seem like an asshole that hated his kid, do it in a cheerful, less sadistic way, like you did with the mention of the earplugs. Those are all the main humor points I wanted to cover, but in general, try to just add in a bit more small laughs here and there.
I love the ironic "kid tortures bugs, bugs seek revenge" concept, and you seem to have captured it well. Having the reporter make a comical thing seem serious and having other characters make a serious thing seem comical worked pretty well, so not many suggestions for here.
Prose and formatting:
It seemed like there was a decent lack of commas where commas were neccessary, and it creates a really awkward feel to some parts. While there's not so many mistakes that would normally justify this lack of points, these small thing make a big difference to the reader, and may be able to make or break your article if not handled correctly. And one sentence in particular, "You get used to that sort of crap; eventually you start to lose the urge to blow the kid's fucking head off instead slip into insanity" seems to be missing a word or two, and doesn't really make sense as a sentence. If you ignore everything else in this paragraph, please fix this sentence.
I like the ant picture, but I just don't really see how it fits into the article. It by itself has that nice failblog feel to it, but in the context of the article, a grown man being mauled by a giant ant doesn't make much sense. Maybe soemthing with an annoying kid or an army of fire ants or something along those lines. Maybe it's just me, but seeing as UnNews articles only ever have 1-2 pics, they are pretty hit or miss.
My general rating of the article. I know it seems like I gave pretty low scores on most of this stuff, but don't get me wrong. I did enjoy the article. It's just that there are many little things in the article that are sort of like artery clots. The blood can still flow, but not as smoothly as one would want it to. However, with just a bit of touching up and a few acupuncture needles, the article should turn out just fine.
Congratulations, Signore Leggeremifrapoco, for being the first recipient of a Cheddary review in quite a few months. Hope you enjoyed it. Arrivederci!