Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:He-She T driver is a dunderhead (quick)

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edit UnNews:He-She T driver is a dunderhead

wrote this one a few months ago, and just revisited it, and was pleased to think that it stood up alright. i'd like a quick (it's an unnews) but good (no being lazy) review. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 16:36, 2 July 2009 (UTC)

I'm in here and you were there, and you were there, and why are all these men in my bedroom, Auntie Em? --Pup 23:55, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 7 You surprised me by being funny. And that's not an insult to you, but the fact that I saw the derivation of your article and panicked that it was going to be pure gobshite.

You've captured the voice of the Stereotypical Overweight Conservative White Editorial perfectly. The constant whining about "Liberal media", avoiding libel laws by calling it editorial and making accusatory statements is hypothetical question form. The voice here is brilliant, and I love it.

The only thing that lets this down somewhat is that the tone starts at a certain point, remains at that point throughout the article, and then ends. There is no build up or punchline, it just is.

So for instance, if I start this of as a nice quiet paragraph, and then start to build it up, throwing in some Right Wing Conservative bias into it, and GRADUALLY INCREASE THE VOLUME about THESE LEFTO COMMIE LIBERALLY BIAS MEDIA. YES, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, GLOBE! Then you can see HUMOUR THROUGH ESCALATION, YOU PANTY FACED WEASEL!.

Now I'm putting some random stuff in here so that the difference betwee this paragraph and the one above becomes more pronounced. Which means that as this is filler, you might as well just not read it. Still reading - very brave of you. After all you'll banana never know when a surprise word will be thrown defecate at you.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I pick a high volume AND CONTINUE TO RANT THERE then what happens IS YOU TEND TO LOSE THE JOKE as it slowly becomes LOST IN THIS HORRIBLE TONE, YOU FREEDOM HATING FROG LOVER.

Understand the difference? I can't think of an article that does this well off the top of my head. Hopefully someone reading this will say to themselves "Oh yeah, he's talking about the Wrstfrgl article" and add the relevant link there later. Yes, I'm talking about you, <insert name here>

Concept: 6 Although I love the concept, there are a couple of major concept related issues that kick this in the teeth. The first is the title. "He-she" in a title is usually enough to put me off reading it. "T driver" is a phrase I've never seen before and doubt I'm likely to see again outside of the context of this story and it's derivation. I like the word "dunderhead", but I'd actually look at re-titling this somewhat. Maybe something along the lines of "UnNews:Stereotypical Overweight Conservative White Editorial:He or She, T-driver is a dunderbluss.[1]" This means that I know what I'm about to get into is a parody of the editorial style, not of FTM or T-Drivers.

Second major issue is that this relies on some knowledge of the original story. I looked up the story before I read your article, (what I could get of it), which means that I was aware of the basics behind it, but without it reading through this I would be lost. It's not a problem that would be easy to overcome as the original story - Transgender train driver crashes train as Aiden/Gloria was texting at the time - sounds like an Unicycle-pedia story on it's own.

Prose and formatting: 8 No real issues in prose, formatting or layout as it suits the article. I'd probably just tweak it somewhat to match the original layout/font/appearance as much as possible. Even add a link like this:

(158) Comments | Post / Read Comments

To the base and a header like this (full size): Opinion

to the top. Ape the style of the original online article.

(Later thought: You could alternatively ape the style of a newsprint article, changing it to s serif font, breaking into a 2 or three columns and wrapping around the images, large text for the title. Just have a look at your local tabloid for what I'm talking about.)

The purpose behind this is you want to divorce yourself from the content of the article as much as possible. By having this aping the look and feel of a tabloid article people will automatically have that association between this and what they already know.

Images: 5 You have to include that fuzzy image of Aiden Quinn in here. Seriously it looks as though the reporters have found a terrible photo of a work function somewhere and digitally cut the image of Aiden out of it at a 50 x 50px jpeg and then blown it up to 200px. Okay, maybe only the people who have seen the original article will get it, but it is needed.

And caption. Although captions are often used poorly, you should have a caption on the photo of Stereotypical Overweight Conservative White Columnist saying something like And now a word from our impartial and unbiased columnist, winner of the Boston Globes "Most impartial and unbiased Boston Globe Columnist of the week" award, Whathisface I would steer away from the original reporters name, as the guy seriously does not need any more press then he already has, but either make up a name, use a This Guy link, or {{username}}.

Miscellaneous: 7 Really good article. There is nothing wrong with it at all, but there are areas that it can be tweaked. If you submit it as it is I'd vote for, but with the same kind of comments. If you left this the way it is, or ask for a delete, I'd be bitterly disappointed. This is the kind of article I'd love to see more of.
Final Score: 33 I still don't understand why there's an Misc and a final comment on this template. Makes no sense. I'm going to have to create my own template.

Sorry, I've finished reviewing your piece. This area is now become my "random rant" section. Speaking of rant. Have a look at the talkpage for this article if you haven't already, and check out the comments by 65.90.138.150. That sort of reaction is why I'd opt for more of an escalated approach rather than a straight in your face approach. At the start this guy needs to appear sane, and the end he needs to sound as though he's foaming at the mouth/having an apoplectic fit.

Reviewer: --Pup 01:17, 9 July 2009 (UTC)

Cite error: <ref> tags exist, but no <references/> tag was found
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