Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Harbhajan Singh racially abuses clown

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Revision as of 10:25, January 15, 2008 by Under user (talk | contribs)

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edit UnNews:Harbhajan Singh racially abuses clown

People! This article needs to be front paged! Or does it? e^{i \pi} +1 = 0 \, ~ |DoS|Did|Yak|

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

OK, as a cricket fan, it's probably a good idea for me to pick this one up. --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 09:42, 15 January 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 6 Well, it's not bad. I mean, there are some nice lines, "I'm not being spoken to like that by a Paki!" springs to mind, nice display of ignorance there. But it's not really funny, more a smile-raiser for me.
Concept: 6 Well, yes, it's a bit of a furore and good material for an UnNews, but I don't think you really exploit this to the fullest. Don't forget, the Indian team stamped their feet, threatened to not play, and already had an umpire replaced due to their tantrums. And of course the main focus of this story in much of the press has been the fact that the Aussies, the arch-sledgers, have reported an opposing team for an offensive remark. There's plenty of scope there to really open up the tanks of satire. Go for it a bit more would be my advice.
Prose and formatting: 6 OK, the spelling's fine, the formatting's OK, but there's some clumsy sentences and niggly little errors, such as missing punctuation. If you want, I'll take a nip through it and tidy it up - after you make any further changes, of course!
Images: 8 Good. Appropriate images, and I like the caption on the Harbhajan one. Just the right amount. Leave as is.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 Averaged. It is the will of Allah.
Final Score: 32.5 OK, this isn't bad, but there's so much mileage in the concept that you can go much further. Have fun with it - a big case of the pot calling the kettle "faintly off-colour", plus grown men threatening to take their ball and go home. Also see further notes below.
Reviewer: --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 10:25, 15 January 2008 (UTC)


Further comments: don't forget to cater for those uncultured masses who know nowt about cricket. "Oh, by the way, does anyone remember Darren Lehmann?" Well, I do, being a Yorkshireman, but how many people are going to understand that line? Explain it, and explain the situation a bit more. Assume that the majority of readers know little about the incident or the game - you can enjoy patronising them, if you like, which may add humour if done the right way. I know you've put the "Overly British" tag on it (which isn't exactly right - surely any reading Aussies would understand it for a start?) but you can open it up and make it funnier at the same time instead.

Generally explain things a bit more. "Coming from Australia (Birmingham and the West Indies)" - that doesn't really make sense. You need to explain a little more clearly about his classic Australian upbringing in Birmingham and the Caribbean. And try to make the style a little more "newsy". That means a little less of the gossipy style, and trying to sound like you're being factual. And possibly breaking it down into slightly smaller paragraphs.

It's not a front page article as it is, too niche and not really well written or fleshed out. But as I say, there's plenty of scope, and I'm happy to help with the readability if you like. Give it some more work, and see what happens.

Hope this helps, and remember, it's only my opinion, others are available. Good luck! --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 10:25, 15 January 2008 (UTC)

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