So picture this -- after a night of horrible dihorreah and BBC comedy shows I felt rather funny and so wrote this. Am I still funny? I used to be brilliant, can't I just ride on the back of that a little longer? Orian57Talk06:39 16 March 2010
Okay this is what kills your article. The writing is very rushed and has numerous issues within relating to spelling and grammar. The use of local idioms throughout the quotes does make it a little hard to access the humour for someone named Bruce, but they are significant to the article, so not something I'd be looking at changing.
I'm not a huge fan of the layout and the overall look, as for a shorter article is is a lot of very blocky text. Thinking in a newspaper format of course they try and cut things down to shorter paragraphs, and try to sensationalise as much as possible. If you can cut the text up in this it would make a better feel to it. Also dropping in a straight guy narrator in a greater aspect then it is at the moment as it works as a contrast against the idioms and increases the humour value of them.
Honestly, I laughed when I highlighted the link to this and saw the name of it. A very clever idea and a very cool use of the basic elements of humour. Taking what should be the exception but has become the status quo, and highlighting that stupidity behind the reality. It is the classic aspect of satire, and works really well.
I would probably suggest making more of a point of showing the reality that this is based upon. I'd probably include some quotes from sports-people who have been involved in sex scandals. The first two that come to mind are Shane Warne and Tiger Woods. Given the status of the Tiger Woods infidelity it would almost be a shame to not use this to your advantage. Even something short like Tiger Woods expressing dismay at any sportsmen who chose to make love with his wife - especially when there are groupies throwing themselves at him.
In short, for the humour to work it has to be recognisable firstly, and then twisting it to see the stupidity.
How funny is it? Why is it funny? How can it be funnier?6.5
Some very good lines in there. Again a lot of it is lost from the poor spelling and formatting. The way you have given a punchline to every paragraph (sort of) is very good.
I have a strong tendency to somewhat more subtle with my prose, and using the slow creep up to a punchy line would work well. Also extending the joke. If something is funny once then by extending it further then it would increase the humour.
Take the barmaid section for instance. Very funny, but if this then went on to explain how she finally gave up and have a hand job to Anthony in the end just to get over being turned down by Rick... extend the humour. If what's funny is that she's an up-for-it slut, then make her more up-for-it.
Beyond that I think what I've covered in Concept and Prose sections will probably help out bringing this up to scratch.
How are the images? Are they relevant, with good quality and formatting?5.5
An okay image, but the stock photo thing does ruin it somewhat, and I would have expected to see an image of the pub or the footballer himself. Maybe something like this (sorry about your eyes) would also work well - anything that combines straight sex with football would work.
I'd probably expect the text to be about half as long again as what it is, which would suggest at least two images to go along with it.
The article's overall quality - that indefinable something.6
Hey, it's a billion times better then a lot of the stuff that I've seen here, but if I read it and didn't know it was you I'd think that this is someone trying to do something in the style of Orian. I think you have a huge potential with this idea, but it may take a few rewrites to get yourself back on top of your game.