Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Evil Santa Clause Captured
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Unlike my other UnNews, which were made out of complete randomness, this one was actually base off the guy who dressed up as Santa and shot people at a christmas party, and from a Flash Animation I saw on Youtube created by EddsWorld (I think thats the name). I hope its not too gruesome. And I know its spelt Claus, someone already told me that, so no need to point that out. In-depth would be nice please. Thanks! - TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 04:46, 28 June 2009 (UTC)
- Not a full review, although I'll see how I go timewise, but it's a fairly well-used concept. We've got Black Santa, Santaism, Satan Claus, Satan Clause, Santa Claus, Sintu Cloven, T'was The Night Before Christmas, and Santa Claus is Coming To Town. The concept is a little old. Pup
Zheliel-has "marked" this article for review.
|Humour:||6.876543221||I didn't really laugh much throughout the article, but I can see it does have to potential.
The santa clause - Maybe you would like to keep the santa clause, instead of replacing every single word. Maybe you can make he EVIL santa to be some word geek or something. Though personally, I still do think that you should change it to Santa Claus. Sounds better.
...We finally caught that... - When you say Timmy was on Santa's naughty list, make a ironical reason like "who was on his naughty list (because he was good throughout the year)" or something. Something funny. And who is the sniper guy. Maybe say it's Timmy's father's enemy or something, who later admitted his mistake and wished he didn't save Timmy. OR something. I have no idea, I'm not really good at UnNews.
...The Evil Santa has commited many... - Give the children longer names, like "Jr. Ahmad Jr. Jr. son of Jr. Ahmad Jr. son of Ahmad Jr. son of Ahmad". And give ridiculous reasons, like "murdered for eating a plum" or something hilarious. George Bush would like that. Make it sound more formal (i.e. Instead of He murdered Billy Jr., age 8, in 2004, you can say In 2004, August 3, 2053 hrs, Billy Jr. was murdered by Claus or something. Destroying 30 christmas trees was funny. Which Santa would? :)
...Two days later, he... - Funny :) Add more examples like "Old man started to chop off their hair" or something.
...After police and S.W.A.T. arrived... - The reference to the song at the last line is very funny. Good manipulation of the song.
Last Sentence - The Award sounds great. Maybe say something like "There have only been 2 people worldwide who have ever gotten the award" to show how much Santa means to them. Anyway, yeah.
|Concept:||5.444444444444444444444444444444||Did you know? - Saint Nick ("...old Saint Nick we...) is actually an alias for the Left Behind Antichrist? Maybe you might want to say something about that and well, Santa.
Also, - your article has lots of potential. After all, Santa Claus is quite popular. And Santa has many fans to cool himself with, and to sing his praises. Fans multitask.
Second Last Paragraph - The "RUN I'M TELLING WHY, I WILL FIND YOU IN TOWN!" should be "RUN AND I'M TELLING YOU WHY, COS SANTA CLAUS WILL FIND YOU IN TOWN!" And add the double inverted commas.
Spelling Erratas -
|Prose and formatting:||7.12345679||Generally- Did you know that Santa's "full name" is Santa Claus and NOT Santa Clause? The Santa Clause is a movie and it is something about replacing santa. Apparently, your first sentence depicts your error by stating "a fake Santa Clause" If your creature is meant to be "Santa Clause", showing that it was different from Santa Claus, you still should change the first sentence. After all, it's meant to be a fake Santa as in the fake real santa. Right?
The title - You should say "Kentucky National Prison" instead of "Kentucky's National Prison". They're the same, but the former sounds nicer, more professional. Kentucky's National Prison sounds too child-like.
...We finally caught that... - Please, don't use "pro", unless you don't mean professional. Use better words like fat or something.
|Images:||7.49999999||The Image - One image, fairly relevant. Funny because of the bright hat in contrast to the dark gloomy "Santa". Of course, that picture is all you need for an UnNews article. So yah.
Maybe you would want to crop the IGN watermark at the bottom. It's up to you, really.
|Miscellaneous:||6.7||I love decimals.|
|Final Score:||38.200000001||Great one, but still needs improvement.|