Hope you like it, cheers!
kit 09:11, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
I got this. --Tagstit 09:16, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
Alright here we are with attempt number two. I am sorry to say, but this seems to be a bit of a turn in the wrong direction. It isn't the end of the world though. You started to do some of the same things you did with your first article. You were a reporter instead of a satirical writer. You have a way of saying, "Here is my topic and a long description of it," and then you go on to, "and here is a list of jokes I have about it." What is key when writing things, especially in UnNews, is to create a satirical report, where you report a certain event, but in a way that is meant to be funny. By this, I simply mean you must mix your jokes in with the actual report, in order to create a consistent and easy-to-read flow. The qoutes were funny though, I liked those.
Well, not much I can really say here. It is an average concept. Obviously, it isn't the greatest because there are only three paragraphs. It might be wise to spend a little bit more time preparing and thinking about a topic that will help you and lead you through different ideas until you end up with a solid concept, because once you have that, everything else becomes easier, and often times the humor comes right along with it.
Prose and formatting:
Ok, well there were a few problems I could see here. I want to be brief so I will name a few problems and recommend a spellcheck. Quickly, "panicking" should be "panicing", "therefore" should be "therefor", and "as all good suppressive fire is, not one shot came close to the suspect itself," is a completely incomprehendible sentence. Consider fixing or rephrasing that sentence. You could also use major expansion in this article, and bulking it up would really increase the quality (that is, if you do put quality stuff in there).
Well, there was only, but then again there was only room for one. If you expand you will definitely need a second or third. It is relevant but nothing that adds to the humor factor. Think of some funnier lines for the thumb!
Averaged, plus a point because your new ;)
Bulk this thing up, give it more direction, and spellcheck it and you will be sitting pretty. If you got any questions you know where to find me ;D. Good luck!