Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Bush Growing Army Of Orcs

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edit UnNews:Bush Growing Army Of Orcs

--A.Z?MUN123 TCE 18:31, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 5.5 this is a decent idea, and it played out fairly well, but i feel like there's more that could have been done with it. for example, no motivation for bush growing an orc army was mentioned, besides the vague notion of taking over america. why would he want to do that? elaborate on things like this that are central to your article. there was also very little scope for actual humor. the parallels work well, but build on them by rounding them out and driving them home. if bush is saruman then cheney would be...wormtoungue? why would obama fight a balrog if his advisor was gandalf? when these compariosn all line up and make sense, it causes the article to flow better and be more well-connected, increasing its humor. i liked the bit at the end comparing mccain to gollum, that was an added bonus.
Concept: 6.5 4/5 points for a most likely well-known set of subjects worhty of parody, though it's hard to do anything more on bush after the past eight years.

2.5/5 points for execution. i liked a fair bit of this, but some of it was less than stellar. sometimes you fall into just describing things without thinking 'is this going to entertain the reader?' why are the politicians attacking the orcs first? why build a wall around washington besides 'keep orcs out'? other veilied referneces to the movie couldn't hurt either, such as a backhanded reference to hobbits or somesuch.

Prose and formatting: 5 your formatting was mostly fine, but your prose was substandard. sentences were sometimes confusing; try reading your article aloud. if you get stuck at a certain point, you may want to make the wording clearer. the convention of placing names in bold isn't widely used, but whatever floats your boat.
Images: 6 one image, appropriate. the caption makes me think that taxpayers will be angry that a large amount is being spent on orc cultivation.
Miscellaneous: 5.8 a wizard averaged it
Final Score: 28.8 my preview button tells me that your score is 28.8, making this one fall just short of being 'adequate'. i think with a little bit of a rewrite this one could start to shine. not a total overhaul, mind you; just a few trimmings and plantings. having stronger parallels to LOTR and coming up with more backstory would be a good start. good luck, and feel free to come to my talk page with any questions.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 20:40, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
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