Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Burma wants guns to combat Cyclone
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I saw how Burma was being hit by a cyclone, and how they're a military force, and I just put two and two together and made this article. It's fairly short, but then most UnNews articles are.
It's already come under major fire from anonymous users and vandals, so do not be alarmed if you see things that are wrong or something. Checking my own previous edits in the history will show you what the true article is meant to be. Garionepsilon 08:29, 13 May 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||what you have is pretty funny but – and I know it is UnNews – it’s still a little short. I really think you could expand into the actual war against the cyclone. Something in the vein of:
“Our troops went at the cyclone but random missile fire seems to be having little effect on the monster. It even used them against us and obliterated several small villages!”
Just to add some absurdity to it as – especially in your opening paragraphs – it’s a little boring. I think your tone needs a little work in the opening paragraphs – they are really important in UnNews articles – more than anything, as it kinda felt like I was reading a history book. For example say “Last week” or “Recently” instead of “In the beginning of May 2008”. and replace “At least 20,000 Burmese people fell before the Cyclone” with something like “at least 20,000 Burmese people have been reported dead or flying…” just to make it sound more sensational as apposed to historical.
Also towards the end you kinda got too close to the truth especially with Mr. Richard Horsey’s quote. Why not try something a little less truthful: ‘’“Guns are not an emergency priority. Animal rescue squads are.”’’ Cos you see then Horsey is missing the point just as much (it doesn’t have to be animal rescue squads either you could try anything but the truth, but don’t have it too random.)
I’d also just like to congratulate you on this simile: “that this plea for weapons will be similar to offering a pyromaniac a flamethrower in a waxworks exhibit.” As it’s not only hilarious but very clever and it just sounds like so much fun torching wax work celebrities!
|Concept:||9||I think the original concept is a damn good idea! I’m jealous. A military country requesting weapons to fight the weather to create peace. That’s genius.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||you did have a few typos and grammatical errors, nothing too major but get some one from the poof reading service to go over it.|
|Images:||6||they weren’t very funny to be honest. The caption on the second one was good though. Put in an image request for something a bit more exiting, like an actual battle with and actual cyclone (unless I’m very mistaken you appear to have a tornado). Also I think the second image should be to the left and more in the article (for example put the image code under the second Than Shwe quote) as where it is now it kinda looks out of place and like an afterthought.|
|Final Score:||37.5||If you’d like to ask/thank/insult me about anything please visit my talk page and I’ll get back to you.|
|Reviewer:||Have Fun! MuCal. Orian57|Chat|Chuckle|PEE List|Awarded|UnBlog| 19:48, 16 May 2008 (UTC)|