Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Arbeit hat nicht frei gemacht

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

FAQ

edit UnNews:Arbeit hat nicht frei gemacht

What d'ya think 'bout dat? :P PoliszSir Ptok-BentonicznyPisz tutaj KUN 13:03, January 27, 2010 (UTC)

PoliszSir Ptok-BentonicznyPisz tutaj KUN 13:03, January 27, 2010 (UTC)

Vmiflag ¡Hola! This valiant VMI cadet is here
to guard this article while
it is reviewed by:

-- Sf13 Upsilonsigmasigmacrest

If he hasn't reviewed it
within 24 hours since
01:07 EST 11 Feb, 2010, remove this
tag and shout at him.


This has been here a while, I'll get on it tomorrow morning The preceding unsigned comment was added by Skinfan13 (talk • contribs)

Humour: 5.75 I had heard about this story a while back, kinda shocking really. Who would think to steal something like that, and why? Well, anyway on to the review.

Initial Impressions

It felt like your news piece was more about Poland than the incident at hand. There were funny bits, but for the most part I did not laugh much.

Second read through

The italicized line of, "Hm... I think we have something missing right there" doesn't really fit in here. I mean, it's kinda funny, but for the most part I think it's just extraneous. The reason I say this is because it doesn't really fit the mold for soemthing included in a media piece. I would re-do that and make it more of a news-sounding sort of quote. Say something like, "When UnNews questioned the guards about the incident, they merely said, " what, is something missing?" Something to that effect.

"Polish-Jewish organizations claimed that it's goverment's job that tries to deny existence of Jews in Poland. However, neutrally-minded people claimed previous statement as the biggest bullshit statement in the Polish history." This is completely extraneous and hasn't got much to do with your story. In order to take these jabs at the Polish government, you need to do so within context. making it more subtle instead of just bluntly saying it as you do will make it funnier.

"Nearly every Pole able to walk decided to help unselfishly in finding the stolen phrase bringing back to the life the forgotten tradition of Subbotnik. " this line was actually the funniest part of your article, nicely done. It's funny because it's subtle and it deals directly with your story; you aren't extremely up front about what subbotnik is, and this is good. It adds to the humor when the reader follows the link and figures it out.

"Two policemen were on a casual patrol, driving 10 km/h on a snow-covered road using summer tires, while they suddenly skided and crashed into a truck incoming from the opposite side of the road. Unfortunately policemen did not arrest the robbers immediately because they got into a coma. Robbers got several broken bones so they were also immobilized. Seven hours later 60 years old farmer found them nearly frozen to the death." Ok, so there are numerous issues with this in my mind. We'll get to the grammar and syntax in a bit (I realize your Polish, so I won't be a dick about it). This section starts out ok, but I would rewrite the first sentence to make it clear that the Polish police are famous for being inept. From here this section gets progressively dumber and less funny. Them crashing into the truck is fine, but you fail to mention that the robbers were in this truck with the sign. basically they go from being in a car wreck to magically finding the robbers, you need to say that it was indeed their truck. From there it's just utter silliness. So what you're saying is that the policeman basically went into a coma for unexplained reasons in a crash at a speed of no more than 10 km/h and the robbers just happened to break enough limbs to be unable to move and then are found by a farmer. This is an ok course of events I suppose, but personally I think it would be funnier if the police crashed into them, offered assistance to the robbers without knowing who they are, finally realize just before the robber pull away that they have the stolen sign and then fail to detain them. The farmer then is responsible for catching the thieves.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your humor comes off as being kind of juvenile here, it would probably be best to stick with stuff that more likely to happen. The above is just an idea off the top of my head.

"The robbers were taken to the hospital were physician saved them after they survived lethal injections injected by paramedics trying to sell skins to the funeral home for 100 dollars each. Policemen arrived few hours later due to lack of seats in the ambulance. According to Polish law, ensuring that criminals are safe and alive after being arrested. Polish law does not describe the method of working in case of hurt policemen so they are treated like an every other Polish citizen - they were left and taken only when paramedics had nothing better to do. " This needs clean up. You may be able to work the paramedic joke in, but I would just get rid of it. focus on the robbers being treated before the police due to polish law. It also makes sense that their wouldn't be enough space in an ambulance to bring four or more individuals at the same time to the hospital. Instead, imply that the police had to be left behind because they could only afford one ambulance.

your use of the term archaeologist here would appear to be incorrect. Just say something like museum curators or researchers or something. archaeologists are the guys who go around digging shit up out of the ground.

"Seems that arbeit didn't make them frei. Actually it made them arrested.

Three robbers have been charged with theft and anti-Jewish actuibs. For the theft they can face a penalty raging from 3 months to 5 years but for anti-Jewish actions they can face from 25 years to life sentence. Yes, the Poles are oversensitive in the contacts with the Jews. " This bit is funny, but it needs some cleanup also.

Concept: 7.5 It's pretty straight forward: an UnNews piece about an actual event. You don't really do anything overly creative with it, but it works. Your delivery is also a little bit off with the concept since you mostly throw in jokes about Poland more than jokes about the incident, which is ok, but I think you need to focus a little bit more on the sign theft and a little less on Polish procedures of medicine and policing. For the most part though, I don't see much more you could do in terms of creativity in reporting this piece, so you get an above average 7.5
Prose and formatting: 5.5 Now, I don't want to be a dick since I know you're from Poland and I'm just assuming english isn;t your primary language, but you have numerous grammar and syntax issues all throughout. There are also a few issues from formatting. The location at the beginning of the article isn't right, most news articles only have one location mentioned: it is either the location where the piece was written, or it's the location of the majority of the story. In your case, that would be Auschwitz, Poland.

If you would like, I would be happy to go through and do grammar and syntax edits in the article. If I listed each and every instance of grammar problems, I would basically be copy/pasting half the article in here. Like I said, I would be happy to go through and edit it for spelling and grammar for you sometime, just let me know.

also, your article lacks sufficient numbers of links. The ones you do have a great though.

other than that, you've formatted it in the UnNews fashion. slightly above average overall with 5.5

Images: 8 pretty average image, but considering the story it fits pretty well. Your caption is also pretty funny, but once again, I would substitute the word archaeologists for something else. average image=5, good caption=3 for a total of 8.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 This article's funny factor is fairly low, but you do throw in some fairly funny lines which make up for the average nature of the humor. 6.5 is a little arbitrary, but that's generally my level of enjoyment reading through this.
Final Score: 33.25 Needs some work Ptok, I think if you edit it for grammar and syntax and change some of the not so funny parts you can make this into a funny take on a weird robbery. If you want to discuss anything about this review, and If you'd like for me to do those edits for you, please feel free to hit me up on my talk page.
Reviewer: --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 20:44 EST 11 Feb, 2010
Personal tools
projects