Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Andrew Jackson rises from grave; criticizes government

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edit UnNews:Andrew Jackson rises from grave; criticizes government

This mocks Andrew Jackson more than current politics. -- Kip > Talk Works Puzzle Potato Dry Brush CUN Icons-flag-us 23:05, Mar. 19, 2010

time to start making a dent into this pee list again lol. 48 hours --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 02:14 EST 23 Mar, 2010
closer to finishing, I should get this within the promised timeframe. --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 00:19 EST 25 Mar, 2010
Humour: 8 The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to be lazy keep all of my thoughts organized. I'll give you my first impressions after one read through and then go in for a more detailed look.

Initial Impressions

A fairly funny piece of slightly high-brow zombie humor, what more can a man ask for? There are some minor criticisms I have, but overall I thought it was fairly funny. I especially like Obama's comment at the end.

Details

The first thing that I didn't like was this line: "Oh, and from being undead" which is a joke that can work that you completely fugged up with your delivery. It reads rather awkwardly, I would encourage you to change that wording here, perhaps to something along the lines of, "Oh, and from rising from the grave." I guess what really defeats the joke is the verbiage, changing "from being" to a more direct verb would make it flow better.

This line, "immediately barged into the state capital building, with newspaper still in hand, and demanded a press conference" is very unclear and awkward. First off, 'state capital building' which state? a 'capital' building (like a building dealing something with a capital city) or a capitol building, a place for a legislature? are you referring the the Capitol in DC for Congress? its pretty unclear, and what you have currently makes no sense in the greater context of the story.

I personally love TJ, but the digg you took about the sally hemmings controversy in funny and clever, points to you sir. So is the first bit where Jackson is shocked a black man is president.

Jackson's solutions for fixing the country don't come off very clearly. Are you trying to make both of his major suggestions, cutting spending and reinstating slavery look incredibly foolish, or just the slavery bit? I say this because many, myself included, would love to see spending cut drastically, and therefore these people wouldn't know that you're trying to make Jackson look foolish.

this: "I feel I should be pleased from their ability to raise the common man's participation in government. However, I am not. The size of the government and its powers is abominable. I should have foreseen the mistake in expanding suffrage. Governance is a dirty game fit only for The Aristocrats!" is confusing. the first part is good, but the conclusion he reaches doesn't logically follow the first part. consistency here is much better.

Not a big fan of the section of the reporter commenting on seducing the other reporter.

Like I said, the Obama comment is really funny, and its great because its short and at the very end as an afterthought.

Final Comments

pretty funny, I'd say this is a pretty good piece of UnNews fiction, unlike a lot of the stuff that's completely made up on UnNews these days.

Concept: 7.5 pretty solid; its funny, its fake, it incorporates relevant current issues and historical context with a zombie backdrop, pretty clever in its sum-total. However, one thing that disappointed me was the lack of focus on the bank, especially since you included the old cartoon of Jackson in the middle of an epic battle with the national bank. We have a national bank again (the Fed), and have since 1917, and I think that would honestly appall him the most of anything today. You kind of touch on that with the comment about paper money, but the Federal Reserve really needs a mention, especially since the focus of your article has to do with the current recession.
Prose and formatting: 6.75 you have various problems with grammar and spelling, especially in the middle of the article. for example, " Good old slave-trading has taken a many of men out of poverty. Trust me" and, "Someone asked how he proposed the pay off the nation debt and end the recession" before it. I would encourage you to go through carefully and look for similar small errors since they detract from the somewhat high-brow direction you've taken with the article.
Images: 8.5 pretty good use of images, I like the red background for the first image. The caption is really funny though, as I assume you're referring to Michael Jackson and Thriller. For the dumb among us, just in case, it couldn't hurt to somehow hide a link to Michael Jackson or thriller in there though so everyone gets the joke. Second image is really good too, but unfortunately I feel a lot of people won't get the significance of it, ie. being tied in to Jackson's fight against the national bank. Perhaps its not so important that people make that conclusion, and therefore I think the captions probably fine the way it is. I would encourage you to enlarge the image a little bit though so its easier to distinguish Jackson's figure.
Miscellaneous: 8 my level of enjoyment from reading the article
Final Score: 38.75 Pretty good UnNews piece. A little bit of editing and tidying up should give it a good shot for VFH. any questions or comments feel free to hit me up.
Reviewer: --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 02:28 EST 25 Mar, 2010
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