Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:"Sexter" abused, possibly raped (2nd Review)

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edit UnNews:"Sexter" abused, possibly raped

My favorite UnNews article of mine so far. I have had lots of help with this from the likes of SysRq, Orian, and DJ Irreverent (Zim ulator did some see also stuff}, and so I just want one more opinion before this goes out for VFH. ~SirTagstitVFHNotMPEEINGCPTRotMBFF 15:59, 23 April 2009 (UTC)

Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
i will get to this at some point today. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 14:50, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 6.5 i had a tough time scoring the humor on this one, because it did have its moments. but overall, the subject matter and humor weren't sparkling. for unnews, rather than in-depth looks at sections, i usually like to give a 'what i liked' / 'what i didn't like' comparison, so... i liked the overall idea that someone can be charged with rape over a phone,since it is patently absurd; the horrible/horrible repeat in the intro; the change in tone from serious reporting to text-speak back to serious; the confused juror, particlularly the "what is an 'lol'" line; the boy not using a condom; the ending sentence of 'no one was really sure what had happaned'. i wasn't a fan of the actual rape exchange...i like *dos stacy* but then the slapping and anything after that just makes it disturbing...i'd almost rather see *dos stacy* end that segment, and then an additional segment where she is at first confused until she realizes what happened; the eyewitness with the screaming was also just disturbing and didn't contribute much to the humor.
Concept: 7 5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody. sexting is certain;y relevant and should as such be parodied.

2/5 points for execution. i like some of what you did, but a few things didn't mesh well with me as a reader. for an unnews, the overall tone is not very newsy/professional. for example, when you open with 'There is a new craze sweeping across the nation's youth: Sexting!'...would a real news article start with that? this is a theme throughout the article...remember that news stories can't just give opinions, they have to look like they are merely presenting facts. so starting a sentence with 'rape is wrong' doesn't fit well, but maybe 'nearly every american would agree that rape is wrong' sound smore like a news story. i would say that an overall re-working of the voice of the article would improve it greatly.

Prose and formatting: 5 i have to say, a lot of the prose was a little on the poor side, for example 'The chaos raised in this debate, left the judge a hard decision' seems awkward, but i can give you a proofread. let me know if you want it immediately or after you do some more revisions and just before you nom it. the formatting also left something to be deisred: there was a ton of whitespace due to the phone exchanges. i realize that the exchanges are necessary, but maybe you can fill that space with more images? you also break up paragraphs into single lines sometimes, and your quotes aren't done in the traditional way but separated from the paragraphs. if you want me to do a format check for that stuff, let me know.
Images: 7 two acceptable images that controbute well. i particularly liked the caption on the first one.
Miscellaneous: 6.4 averaged via magic
Final Score: 31.9 my preview button tells me that your final score is 31.9. i would say that this has VFH potential, but not in its current state. with some formatting fixes and another few images, you'd drive me to abstain territory, but what you really need to do is refine your content a little more. i'd like to see a little less stuff that could be considered disturbing, such as the eyewitness. i'd like to see a more professional tone. i'd like to hear more from jurors, as that is potentially hilarious. i recommend reading HTBFANJS (again), then going directly to your article and trying to improve itl i find that always helps me. good work, good luck, and feel free to come by my talk page with any questions.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:46, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
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