Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks: My unusual relationship with a volley ball by the name of Wilson (2)
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The first review can be seen Here and I have made changes according to the advice given by chief.
Please be constructive..
10:33, December 6, 2009 (UTC)
I'm here 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 11:40, December 7, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||Right, I am thrilled to see you making improvements to the article and I think that nothing has been lost through your changes. Your work on the main character has improved the characters relationship with the reader the article's narrative voice appeals to the reader much more and thus we can empathise and condemn equally. To expand on what I said last time, I think your improvements are fine, my only problem this time around was that while the start is excellent the tone tails off slightly towards the middle. What I mean by this is that when the character discovers or explains something I feel there is a gap for a joke and often one is not forthcoming. For instance "a pack of condoms (which I was almost 100% sure were mine) and a 'Pay it forward' DVD." is good because after he mentions the condoms a joke follows, granted it isn't a laugh out loud joke but it prevents the list becoming just that. You should look for other parts of the article that are similar to this. A good way to identify such occurrences is to look for occasions when you make is list or make a significant development in the plot, just have the character comment on it to remind us that he is not a completely different character to the sarcastic, self-interested man we see early on. As I indicated above you don't have to go from scratch on this one as there are several instances where you do this currently, but I just felt that when I read it this time that there were a couple of occasions where a sentence would tail off and a joke would have been excellent. This joke doesn't have to make a massive impact but would be nice just to capitalise on any opportunities.
The only other comments are with regard to the island part, this is infinitely better now, the volleyball's role in the story feels far more necessary and amusing. My comment is in regard to the big argument the narrator apparently has with Wilson, apparently it is serious enough for him to kick Wilson away from him, so why is it not explained? I realise that your attention was undoubtedly on the plot point you were developing here but I would encourage you to continue to work at this. I should also point out that this is pretty advanced and technical stuff that I'm getting into here, the humour in your article is excellent and I think you should go the final mile to get it done completely.
|Concept:||9||As good as last time on this one, the concept is still eye-catching and you still deliver on the potential this allows. I'm also pleased to see you change up the tone of the protagonist. He feels infinitely more deserving of his eventual fate and the reader is now invited to enjoy his suffering. My recommendation now that you have accomplished this is to make sure you keep the characterisation consistent throughout. What I mean by this is to try to have gradual character progression rather than simply saying that the character is a horrible self-centred guy here and then all of a sudden he isn't. I would just like to see a bit more of a progression, perhaps the character could interact with Wilson or the island to begin with in the way he related to things originally, i.e. being self-centred, he could then change through being alone and through his unusual relationship with a volley ball by the name of Wilson.|
|Prose and formatting:||9||Very good, as it was last time. Your image formatting does still need some work, however. The congestion of images towards the top of your page should not be overlooked, try to work at this a bit more, consider whether the UnBooks template is essential. Your prose is fine now, the spelling and grammar is good though watch out for inconsistencies slipping into your text, it can cause undue confusion if you accidentally call a character by the wrong name; this is more a note for the future as I changed the instance I spotted.|
|Images:||9||Right, the images are good, as I said last time but I think a couple of changes may help. On reflection I feel that the watch image is a bit untidy and blurry and it may serve your purposes a bit better to find a better picture, or perhaps simply make the existing one a bit smaller so that the resolution looks better. My final point is on your captions which are good for the most part. The only time you run into difficulties is where it becomes unclear why you have captioned an image as you have; the island image for instance I thought you could have captioned it better with something like "What a dump." and was unsure why you captioned it as you have. It is still vaguely amusing but the reason for it is unclear, if I have missed something by all means let me know and I will happily beat myself with a kitchen knife, but for now it is not obvious to me.|
|Miscellaneous:||9||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||44||Still a superb read and just as enjoyable as it was the first time. I have had to be pretty harsh to identify the problems that I have come up with. Resolving the problems I have mentioned I leave completely up to you since the changes do not effect the article drastically and are unlikely to turn people against you on VFH. If you do have any further questions or comments you can find me on my talk page where I will be happy to help out. Good luck making any changes and very well done.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 12:50, December 7, 2009 (UTC)|